Being married to a guy who goes out to sea elicits ongoing explanations–what does he do, why does he go away; he’s fishing, right? (Wrong)
At the gym today, one of the girls asked me the question I have been asked literally hundreds of times, “Do you ever get to go with him?”
NO, I can’t ever go with him, nor can I meet him and spend a few days sightseeing.
In the middle of the ocean?
These are working vessels. They don’t carry passengers for safety and security reasons; plus he works ALL the time.
A refresher for new readers…my husband’s a tugboat captain. He’s also referred to as a mariner or a merchant seaman. He’s a member of the United States Merchant Marine.
The way most tug captains and crew are paid when they’re out to sea is on a “daily rate” basis which means he’s literally on the clock 24 hours a day.
Sometimes it’s eight hours on and four hours off, or six hours on and six hours off. In the “off” times, he has to eat and shower and sleep, which is why seamen often suffer from sleep deprivation.
When he comes home after a long assignment, it takes about a week to regulate his body to a more normal sleep/awake pattern.
I guess there are still some situations where spousal visits to ports are possible, but that’s never been my own experience, and since I get seasick and tugs are super noisy and smelly and dirty, I’m not sure it would be that much fun.
Here’s how we prepare for a long assignment. We’ve discovered that having a departure routine is also a coping strategy, as it helps us work as a team.
The prep is a major undertaking, although a reluctant one on my part, because it ends with a drive to the airport as a couple and the drive home alone. When our beloved pets were still alive (Victor the Border Collie and our daughter cat, Bandit) just getting the suitcases out of the garage actually caused them to become depressed, as they both came to associate that action with their daddy going away. So sad.
Bandit as a kitten and old man Victor. The best kind of love.
We make a lot of lists so he’ll have enough supplies of personal items to last the duration of his assignment. He’s often gone for 2-4 months without any stops in port or he’ll be in a part of the world that doesn’t have a Target or CVS on every corner.
Food
There’s always a cook aboard the tug, so he doesn’t have to worry about preparing his meals, but he has to have enough toothpaste (4), dental floss (4), vitamins, the kind of tea he likes (Yogi Antioxidant and Ginger), underwear, socks, shampoo (Kiehls is the shampoo of choice), sunscreen, and supplies for his marlinspike seamanship projects.
I pack raw almonds, raisins, dried (unsweetened) mangos and papayas from Trader Joe’s to ensure he has healthy snacks for as long as possible.
He fills two large suitcases, two medium suitcases, and a backpack that contains his computer, iPod, other personal items.
Serious things…
I think it’s important to have a discussion about serious matters, just in case.
It’s something no one wants to think about, but the reality is that a tugboat is a dangerous place, and it’s smart–not to mention empowering–to be prepared in the event of a worst case scenario.
I suggest making sure you each have current powers of attorney and easy access to all financial documents. (I’m not an attorney; this is just what we have found to be a good idea).
He always checks our two cars to make sure they’re in good working order, fills the gas can for the lawnmower, and completes any last minute house repair jobs. This last time he washed the second story windows. (I abhor dirty windows!!)
It’s these little things that he does that make me feel like we’re still connected even when he’s an ocean (or two) away.
It’s equally as important to know how to reach him in case of an emergency. Cell phones often don’t work in remote locations, and there’s a definite course of action with the company if it becomes necessary to bring him home.
Make sure that neighbors, family, friends have that emergency contact information–just in case.
After his first long assignment, we installed a security system for peace of mind as much as for actual protection.
And to give you a real idea of what life is like aboard a tug, try this…
Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can.
[Taken from http://gcaptain.com/forum/professional-mariner-forum/3115-life-aboard-merchant-vessel.html]
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- Tugboat or Towboat 1 (tugster.wordpress.com)
Thanks for giving us all a reality check. We all want to believe that a tug boat captains wife leads a glamorous life, but it’s a lot of hard work for both of you.
Mostly for him. I just wait and wait and wait. Oh, and I wait. I appreciate your comment!!!!
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 6:37 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
That’s rough. I’m impressed by how much (emotional) strength it must take to do that every time.
I’m hoping one day he’ll decide he wants to go back to working locally like he did for our first 15 years! Hope you had a great weekend! Get ready for that big storm we’ll scheduled to get.
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 6:38 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
People don’t ‘get’ a lot of things;many Americans with 9-5 jobs have no clue how the rest of the world lives.
Hat’s off to Tugman…and you,Mrs.Support. He has an important job…and he’s lucky to have you and your candle in the window.(Spouses, and I mean usually wives, never get enough credit for holding down the fort and making their mates able to do their jobs).
right you are. Sometimes even always happy me gets a little frustrated with the waiting and not being able to plan things. Not often but today ha ha.
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 6:49 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Tough reality check! Your marriage is a true testimony of love and commitment.
Thank you, or is that BS? Ha ha! I made a joke. No really, I appreciate your kind words. However, the mailman’s looking pretty darn good lately…
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 7:00 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
No BS. My blog is BS but my comments are not
I know. I just sent you a private love letter.
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 7:35 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Laughing. Ooh private
Seriously. Nothing is private on the internet.
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 7:36 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
True. Very true
I enjoyed this post and learned a lot. I had no idea what the routine was like for tugboat captains and their families until I read it.
I know it’s a lot worse for Navy families and guys/gals on submarines, too. But important. We can’t live without working vessels!
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 7:36 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
People always ask me if Cadet doesn’t get sick from eating seafood everyday… LOL.
Oh that’s funny. One time capt was very far away and they ran out of food. not good. can you believe it?
Run out/What is the matter?They should have at least a month’s supply extra.I know it takes up room, but really…
Things happen, unexpected job or weather delays that are unavoidable. That’s the nature of the job…
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 11:06 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Wow. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us. So interesting. You’re right when you say it’s important to be prepared.
Thank YOU! He even got me all prepared for an earthquake or fire or blackout (we had one last year when he was gone). I have a wind up radio, tons of water, tent, camp stove, flashlights with extra batteries, he’s very thorough!
I always get ‘doesn’t your boyfriend get sick from eating seafood everyday?’ LOL
I have to agree that their job is dangerous. I just had this conversation with Cadet. If there’s a fire in the engine room, he have to see whats wrong and even try to fix it…
Seamen contribute so much to a country’s economy, yet a lot of people fail to recognize this (at least thats true in my country). Most people look up to bankers etc…
The world would come to a stop without working boats. They provide a valuable service in so many ways, I agree!
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 8:11 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
I like the last bit about the lawnmower and the alarm clock. Poor guy. I can only marginally relate when my husband is on call and the darn phone rings in the middle of the night and nearly gives me a heart attack. I couldn’t do that for a living. My blood pressure would be sky high. Not to mention being away from Target (or our equivalent Walmart) for 2 to 4 months.
I’ve been on a few tugboats here with him in the harbor and also one fun trip I took a 4 hour train up the coast to where he was and he came to get me in a small boat to motor to where his tug was working and I spent the night. That was kinda fun, but the tug was anchored ha ha, and then I took the 4 hour train ride back. Personally, I don’t know how those guys do it. PS You do NOT want to wake him up those first few days. He’ll sleep sitting up on the sofa. It’s gotta take a toll on the body.
On Mon, Feb 18, 2013 at 9:44 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
When my husband was in residency working 100 or more hours a week, he couldn’t stay awake. HIS doctor told him that many, many doctors at that point in their careers are on some medication to get through. People need sleep. I know I do. I couldn’t do either of those jobs for that reason alone.
you and me. I need sleep and i LOVE to sleep. I love to fall asleep. Talking about sleep makes me sleepy and I just woke up!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 6:33 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
what an interesting glimpse into your lives
For the first few days he’s home, I have to remember to put a note in the garage to remind him the alarm is on if he comes home from surfing and I’m not there. He needs a reminder! I appreciate your comment!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 7:03 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Gives me a good understanding about your family. Do cherish every minute of the time when the captain is with you!
Of course I do most of the time, every now and again he gets super annoying, which is normal!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 7:21 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
When my kids were little, my husband had a job where he traveled one week every month. There were times when I thought it was SO difficult. When they got older it was actually liberating and fun. Routine was without a doubt the key to success. I honestly cannot imagine having him gone for months at a time, your strength and independence are inspiring.
I’m not sure about strength (but thank you!) but I definitely am able to function on my own. Although we’re pretty much joined at the hip when he’s here, I have lots to do when he’s gone.It would be much harder to deal with if we had small kids at home.
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 7:25 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
I must admit I do appreciate the space when my bf works lates every other week but your situation, Well you are very strong! Heartbreaking reading about your pets missing him too.:-(
I guess your blog really helps you to keep your mind off things.Your Blog…and Shopping! x
Yes, blogging, cleaning, shopping, seashells, working out at the gym. That about sums it up nicely! A little bit of space is good, but this has been going on for about 4 years (before that he worked in our local harbor and managed a tug co too so he was mostly always here) I think we have it worked out pretty good. Sniff, I miss my animals every day! I think it’s time to fill the house again….
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 7:42 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
This sounds like a lot of preparation and strength! I give you and your husband a lot of credit… it can’t be easy not seeing each other for months at a time. But, at the same time, the job he does is very needed and honorable. Here’s hoping if he’s out on a trip now, that he comes home safe and soon!
I appreciate your kind words and yes, he’s been gone for about 2 weeks now, possibly home sometime in March, fingers crossed! The weather has been bad, so there have been delays.
I knew that it was a hard life but love how you went into detail. I knew it wasn’t a easy job and my hats off to both of you for making it work so well.
He’d be the first one to say that the danger pales in comparison to our armed forces, but it is not an easy desk job, that’s for sure! Thank you for your kind comments all the time!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 8:43 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Agree that it has it’s own dangers and not a easy job especially with the always being on call and lack of sleep. Happy to comment as I really enjoy your posts!
Much appreciated!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 2:21 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
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People think of a life at sea as a romantic life, and not of the reality.
I’m glad you two have a routine for it, so the captain can just focus on doing his job and coming home to you.
You got it exactly! He needs to not worry about me, cos that’s how accidents happen, when you’re distracted.
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 9:39 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
I have just tagged you and hope you can play! Don’t think I would be very good at all on a boat – any boat!
What’s tag? I would play if I knew how, LOL! I’m only good on a boat if he’s the captain.
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 9:48 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
So, you’re saying you can’t pack yourself into one of the suitcases in your cute, Hello Kitty giddy up?
It sounds like you have the routine down pat – but it does NOT sound like an easy journey, my friend. Cheers to you!
I appreciate that you and I are on the same page with the hello kitty giddy up, but sadly, no, he has to wait til he gets home for that. It’s the life of a tugboat captain’s wife! Your words cheer me!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 2:11 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Wow. What strength you must possess to live life to the fullest with a less-than-perfect path to travel. I admire you both. And I would prefer to not have the lawn mower running on full blast inside my home. Ever.
Its gives you a pretty idea of what it’s like, another side effect is potential loss of hearing from those noisy diesel engines! I’m really not brave. No hardship for me except missing my best buddy!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 4:34 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Thank you for sharing all of this. One would think it must be fun and glamorous. It definitely isn’t a regular job. You must eat and breathe the routine! {{Virtual hug}}
Thanks for the hug, I needed that! Tomorrow’s our anniversary, sniff, I’m OK, I’m a brave girl! I wish I had about 4 dozen of your cupcakes right about now…
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 6:35 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
I would bake you 8 large ones right now and drive them over to you if you were closer. Happy Anniversary! You are a brave ‘Hello Kitty” girl!!
Meow right back at you! I might just have to bake for myself, which i NEVER do!
On Tue, Feb 19, 2013 at 6:40 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Wow … not an easy life for either of you … I had to take a break to say hello.
Nice to hear from you, how ya doing?
On Wed, Feb 20, 2013 at 4:32 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
But, can’t you ever just go with him–oh wait, damn. Oops, sorry…
I couldn’t resist. But it sounds like the makings of a beautiful but lonely romance. I always thought it was brilliant for you to keep a blog of it.
Really really really FUNNY! Oh, but you are the master storyteller and you got me. Me, brilliant? I’ll tell my DIL what you said. And thank you so much!
On Wed, Feb 20, 2013 at 7:58 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
You’re welcome
So interesting! But 2-4 months? I’d go crazy, so I don’t know how you do it. Perhaps some new babies (pets) are in the cards for you.
I agree, I’ve only been waiting because I won’t leave my babies, so for basically 20 years, we never travelled together and now we’ve been able to go on vacations. But he and I both want dogs and cats again!
On Thu, Feb 21, 2013 at 4:31 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
That last para was the perfect kicker end! Now I can imagine it! Interesting & well written post!
Much obliged! Thanks for stopping by!
You covered just about all the bases in your story. The woman at the gym was clueless to life. God Bless the Families who dedicate their lives to do the jobs that are done like your family. They are to be honored like our military who are overseas also and face many of the same perils. My hubby is retired and home safe now, his saga of his wars is still with us in his dreams. Having a strong and loving wife at home is what makes it worth the trip and worth coming home to…Thank You. Thank You to your family for serving our Country.
What a kind person you are! I have to confess, I feel spoiled now, not really appreciating him when he was home all the time for our first 15 years. Now that he’s gone so much, I really wish I had that time back! He’s on the move now, hopefully home within a month. Thank you so much!
On Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 7:18 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
The reunion is always worth the wait… enjoy your time together.
Yes, it is! Great point of view
On Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 7:32 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
This is a wonderful post–I learned so much! Great pictures, too!
How kind of you to say so and thank you so much for stopping by!
On Sat, Mar 2, 2013 at 9:14 PM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
That DOES sound tough. You are both very brave. Although “merchant seaman” IS an incredibly sexy title.
I kinda thought so the first time I met him too! Tugboats ARE very sexy!
On Wed, Apr 17, 2013 at 7:11 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
You have entirely deglamourized the life at sea. (Today I came from A Mother Life’s Hump Day Hook Up.)
Thank you for stopping by!
On Wed, Apr 17, 2013 at 7:34 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
Thanks for sharing this one at the Hump Day Hook Up. It’s such an interesting life you guys lead
Sometimes it’s not good to have him gone ALL the damn time! I love these Hump Day Hook Ups. Thank you for hosting them!
On Wed, Apr 17, 2013 at 8:39 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo
I just couldn’t imagine how hard that is! Being away is bad enough, but dealing with not always being able to get up with him… wow! sometimes you just need to hear that voice.
He’s only been doing this far away work for a few years, before that he worked in our local harbor and hardly ever had an assignment that was more than a week or so away; I can’t say it’s really any easier getting used to it, but we try to make the best of our times together. Otherwise I’d be a total bitch 100% of the time instead of only 50% ha ha!