Vogue’s Vague Blunder and If Conscious Uncoupling is the New Divorce, Maybe I Need to Sign Up

I’ve been a bit out of sorts at Casa de Enchanted Seashells, I might be a tad snarkier than usual. My Tugboat man’s been home for a while and I’m seriously contemplating a temporary conscious uncoupling because he picked up a horrible bug somewhere and he’s been coughing, sneezing, whiny, cranky, grumpy – and he’s getting on my very. last. nerve. Guys make the worst patients, don’t they?
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What a few days this has been for America’s celebrity watchers!

Number One…Vogue, WTF?
Kimchee, I mean, KimYe, Kim and Kanye, baby momma and baby daddy, unmarried ‘rents of a compass direction, the magnetic true North, (Didn’t they hear my momma mantra, “No Cohabitation Without Documentation“?)

How did y’all pull off the cover and all that fluffy copy in Vogue? Hmmm?

Somehow, somewhere, I truly believe a shitload of cash must have been deposited into Anna Wintour’s offshore bank account, because how else could she justify the dummying down of Vogue Mag, the Vogue I’ve salivated over since I was a little girl in Detroit, using my shiny silvery rounded edged scissors to cut out my favorite aspirational fashions and paste them in my wish book.

HOW COULD YOU, ANNA WINTOUR??

How can you justify putting them on your cover?

You have hurt me to my core, Anna Wintour. I am SO disappointed in you. Really.

I loved Vogue, Vogue is fashion. Uber fashion. High fashion. Picture me, Princess Rosebud, in Detroit, drooling over haute couture (even the term is exotic and exciting), sucking in my rosy little cheeks to play “model”, walking across my bedroom floor with a stack of books on my head. I inhaled the smell of the print on a fresh mag (still do) —  and the added treat of those fragrance samples nestled between the pages.

This is where I honed my WANTS and desires of a material nature.

I am a material girl.

However, Kim Kardashian actually disgusts me. Her fame is based soley on a sex tape–A SEX TAPE. I’ve never seen it, nor do I ever want to, but I heard about it. She has no discernible talents or skills except for achieving the ultimate in a superficial and meaningless life.

GREAT message to send our impressionable young women, Kimmy! Way to go!

Maybe that’s my problem. I should have done a sex tape and accidentallyonpurpose leaked it to the media/public and then I’d be rich and famous, too! Too late now, right?

The KardKlan sells a line of klothing at Sears, and although there’s absolutely nothing wrong with SEARS, this is VOGUE, people. I want Chanel, Dior, YSL, MiuMiu, Burberry, Louboutin…all that jazz.

And I bet that no one knows that I have a personal connection with Vogue. When my Angel Boy was four and adorable, he had an agent and did a fashion shoot for the Italian Vogue. My baby boy! A model! He HATED it so it was a VERY short-lived career. Sigh. He was soo cute.

SHAME ON YOU, ANNA WINTOUR! SHAME ON VOGUE!

I’m on Vogue, too! Look at me and my new hard crush, Richard Roxburgh, star of the AU Rake, a MUST SEE. Don’t we make a LOVELY couple?

My Vogue Cover

On To Number Two…Gwinnie and Chris
WTF is a goop? I never would have googled goop (that’s funny, say it ten times…googlegoop googlegoop…haha) but I say BRAVO to Gwinnie for capitalizing on the death of her marriage to Coldplay hottie Chris Martin by making it a front page story to drive traffic to her website/blog.

Way to go, Gwinnie! Yay for exploitation! Apparently, nothing IS sacred anymore. Not even the conscious pulling off of the wings of your marriage.

But I bit, I went there, I “gooped” — and this is the gobbledygook goop that I found there.

Hey, Gwinnie, did you know this is the definition I found for “goop”?

Ick, right? Totes ick. Ewww.
goop

Mucho negative valence here, Gwinnie!

While visiting goop, I learned about this new age term,  “conscious uncoupling”, this systematic undoing of a marital contractual obligation, kind of like Jenga, carefully taking out one piece at a time until one day it totally crumbles. Who’s the loser? Who’s the winner?

Is that what you mean, Gwinnie?

You are so blah to me, sorry, I just never GOT you, you never thrilled me with your acting, and your personal life seems so CONTRIVED and FAKE.

Are you also dedomiciling, going phfft, disassembling?

And what about the kids? How do you plan to consciously uncouple them?

In the midst of all the important and serious events in this world, the media has focused tons of attention on these unimportant stories.

Just in case you missed it all, you’re welcome!

From goop:

Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

 

 

“I am sorry, I do not talk to press, but I am fine.”

I’ve been out-beeyotched by a lovely beeyotch herself, Jen of Life on the Sonny Side  who may not have done it on purpose, but corrected my incorrect spelling of beeyotch. I bow to her superiority. That’s role model material, people.

I vow to say this all the time, whether in appropriate circumstances or not.

Since my only resolution for 2013 is to release my inner beeyotch, I’ve been on the lookout for inspiration. These are some of my heroines.

naomi campbell

Photo from naomicampbell.com

According to TMZ, Naomi Campbell reportedly suffered a torn ligament in her leg when she was mugged on a street in Paris. The supermodel was hailing a cab when she was attacked and robbed by multiple assailants reports the NY Post. It is thought they were after her jewelry. The attack left Campbell in a wheelchair and crutches. The Post says Campbell’s boyfriend, Vladimir Doronin, has upped her security since the incident. When called for comment about the incident, Campbell told the paper, “I am sorry, I do not talk to press, but I am fine.” 

michelle dockery

Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary

Downton Abbey‘s Lady Mary exemplifies the refined upper class beeyotchiness to which I aspire. Oh, if ONLY I hadn’t been born in the USA! I just know my life journey could have included a dead Turkish ambassador or two.

Look at the beeyatchy way Anna crosses her arms. She ain't messing around@

Look at the beeyotchy way Anna crosses her arms. Guurl ain’t messing around!

And then there’s Anna Wintour, the beeyotchiest beeyotch of all. MEOW! According to Forbes Magazine, the most powerful woman in fashion continues to use her sway in politics. This year the Obama bundler teamed up with actress Sarah Jessica Parker to cohost a $40,000-a-plate dinner with the President, attended by a glittering array of designers and Hollywood icons. Some speculate she’s after an ambassadorship in London, but Wintour says these are just rumors–she’s quite happy in her current job. Vogue, which reaches 11.4 million readers in print and an average 1.2 million monthly visitors online, opened its digital archives in 2011 including articles, photos and ads dating back 120 years. It’s a thorough fashion history book and a new revenue stream–an annual b-to-b subscription price is $3,250. Wintour has edited the magazine since 1988 and is a member of the President’s Committee on the Arts and Humanities.