Old men, you are hereby put on notice: STOP PICKING ON ME BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE AN EASY TARGET ‘COS I’M ONLY FIVE FEET TALL! STOP BEING BITTER, RESENTFUL, SMELLY, DRIED UP OLD ASSHOLES!
That grumpy neighbor, we all have one in our ‘hood, “Get off my lawn, you whippersnapper!”
There seems to be an epidemic of grumpy old men in beige shirts with beige windbreakers and stained beige slacks–you know the kind that are pulled up high and belted–so you get that burn-the-eyeballs, never-to-be-forgotten view of either 1. their Depends, or 2. a nasty old Vienna sausage (if you know what I’m sayin’)
They all seem to be farty and perpetually frowning; what happened to chivalry?
Ramming their damn shopping cart into me at Trader Joe’s, giving me the evil eye like I stepped in front of them just so they’d have to run me down. Like, really. “HELLO OLD DEAF THING, THE MOTHER F-ING SHOPPING CART IS EQUIPPED WITH WHEELS AND A HANDLE SO YOU ARE ABLE TO STOP BEFORE YOU TAKE OUT MY ANKLES.”
Can you hear me NOW?
I’m on a roll. I’m ranting and rolling. Old men are horrible drivers. Old women are pretty awful too, but they seem to be less hostile.
In my town old men drive with the rage of a thousand Clint Eastwoods.
They tailgate, and pedal to the metal with lead feet left over from the big war, WW2, when cars were cars and men were men. Or something.
They cut you off, they obey ZERO traffic laws, and blast the horn with the same sort of zeal as if they’re masturbating it. HONK HONK HONKHONKHONK HONNNNNKKKKKK.
For the most part when I have these encounters, it’s invariably when my tugboat man is out to sea and I must deal with it myself, either by ignoring their bad behavior or by being assertive, or by majorly unleashing my previously leashed INNER BEEYOTCH.
If their impulse control clearly functions when I’m accompanied by a “man”, why does it fail when I’m by myself?
This last time, hubs was there to defend his woman. 
Let’s pretend this is Episode #24 of my TV sitcom, That Crazy Wife of a Tugboat Captain–a little bit Lucy, a little bit That Girl, a little bit Gossip Girl, and a little any Real Housewife of Anywhere, sprinkled with the best of Erica on All My Children.
Your basic fantasyland, that’s where I live.
Okie dokie.
FADE IN:
EXT. FITNESS CENTER – MORNING
Scantily clad gym members line the dingy hall. They’re waiting for the Spin class to be over and BootCamp to commence. All ages mingle, chat about the cold morning, aches and pains, boyfriend problems. At the front of the line is PRINCESS ROSEBUD–exuberant, this ageless chick sweats charm like an old-time movie star.
[Backstory: The line forms because there's a sign on the doors to the group class room admonishing members to wait until previous class is over before entering.]
An older, late sixty-ish, flaccid muscled man in an unwashed sleeveless t-shirt (also called a wife beater) with a few dry hairs trying but failing to cover his liver spotted scalp, bumps into Princess Rosebud and pushes his way into the room.
Under the aggressive gaze of twenty PMS-y, peri- and post-menopausal women plus a few actually normal men, he places his water bottle and towel on the floor directly in the spot Princess Rosebud has always claimed for her own. While the spin class is STILL in session, he proceeds to set up steps and risers for himself and another.
PRINCESS ROSEBUD
OH NO HE DINT.
Outrage erupts up and down the line.
PRINCESS ROSEBUD
OMG, Did you see that? Did you see what he did?
RANDOM GIRL WITH SHOES THAT ARE TOES
I can’t believe he pushed you. He can’t do that. I’m going to say something to him.
RANDOM OLDER LADY WITH GRAY HAIR
There’s a sign! We’re all standing here to be respectful of the other class!
We follow the rules, he should too! Does anyone know him?
PRINCESS ROSEBUD
What an asshole. That’s MY spot. Everyone knows I’m in line first ‘cos I take that right upper quadrant. It’s the spot of most mirrors and least germs.
ANOTHER RANDOM OLDER LADY WITH GRAY HAIR
What happened, what did I miss?
PRINCESS ROSEBUD
Remember last week? That’s the same guy who pushed me out of the way at the jelly weight bins and tried to grab the eight pound weight (the yellow ones) out of my hand.
FLASHBACK TO THE PREVIOUS WEEK’S ENCOUNTER WITH NASTY OLD MAN
I tightened my hold on the weight, stood my ground, and gave him my best squinty look like, It’s on, old man. High noon behind the gym. Bring it. You’ll get that weight when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. He backed off then, but I sensed further trouble down the road and here it was. END FLASHBACK
TUGBOAT MAN WALKS UP, HAVING CHANGED INTO WORKOUT GEAR
What’s going on? Why’re you looking at me that way?
PRINCESS ROSEBUD
Where have you been? Didn’t you see? it was that old man, you know, the one I told you about, the one that tried to grab the weights out of my hand last week!
TUGBOAT MAN
What did he do?
PRINCESS ROSEBUD
LOOK! She points inside the room, which by now has erupted into chaos, a gaggle of women surrounding the old man, pointing to the signs clearly stating the gym policy.
He pushed me and took our spot! I’m out of here, he ruined my bliss.,
I’m gonna go upstairs to work out on the Stairmaster and weight machines.
TUGBOAT MAN
No, don’t go. Wait here. I’ll say something to him. That’s just not right.
What is it with old men, anyway?
My knight in shining armor came to my rescue!
VOICE OVER NARRATION
What is it? Is there a switch that turns a (probably) normal guy into a crabby, belligerant unpleasant person? is it the slipperly slope of the effects of lowered testosterone levels? Too many episodes of erectile dysfunction? Ran out of Cialis? Pipes clogged?
Maybe there IS a reason why aging men are so unpleasant to be around. According to Innovative Men’s Health…for MEN, there is something similar that happens as we age called andropause. Andropause is the male version of menopause but is much more insidious (happens slowly over time) and it can happen slowly enough that you only notice it after several years or someone else points out there you seem different. Some guys seem to hit a breaking point where their low testosterone level seems to catch up with them and they all of a sudden start having symptoms, such as erectile dysfunction.
The grumpy old man syndrome is an example of how important adequate testosterone is for brain function. It is like PMS for men but it is ALL the time! Testosterone has an affect on brain function and low testosterone increases your risk of getting Alzheimer’s disease.
END VO
BACK TO EPISODE #24
TUGBOAT MAN
Walks over to the old man.
Look, man. You can’t go around pushing women out of your way.
That’s not the right way to treat women.
That was my wife you pushed and I don’t appreciate it.
OLD MAN
Throws hands up in the air in a supplicating gesture.
Okay, Okay, I get it. I get it. I heard it from everyone already.
{sarcastically} What am I supposed to do, apologize to her?
TUGBOAT MAN
Nah, that’s not necessary, dude. Just be more of a gentleman to the ladies.
You don’t need to be an asshole.
TUGBOAT MAN reaches out a hand to shake the hand of the nasty old man. The old man accepts the gesture, shakes, and…class begins.
FADE OUT.
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