I’ve been out-beeyotched by a lovely beeyotch herself, Jen of Life on the Sonny Side who may not have done it on purpose, but corrected my incorrect spelling of beeyotch. I bow to her superiority. That’s role model material, people.
I vow to say this all the time, whether in appropriate circumstances or not.
Since my only resolution for 2013 is to release my inner beeyotch, I’ve been on the lookout for inspiration. These are some of my heroines.
Photo from naomicampbell.com
According to TMZ,Naomi Campbell reportedly suffered a torn ligament in her leg when she was mugged on a street in Paris. The supermodel was hailing a cab when she was attacked and robbed by multiple assailants reports the NY Post. It is thought they were after her jewelry. The attack left Campbell in a wheelchair and crutches. The Post says Campbell’s boyfriend, Vladimir Doronin, has upped her security since the incident. When called for comment about the incident, Campbell told the paper, “I am sorry, I do not talk to press, but I am fine.”
Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary
Downton Abbey‘s Lady Mary exemplifies the refined upper class beeyotchiness to which I aspire. Oh, if ONLY I hadn’t been born in the USA! I just know my life journey could have included a dead Turkish ambassador or two.
Look at the beeyotchy way Anna crosses her arms. Guurl ain’t messing around!
And then there’s Anna Wintour, the beeyotchiest beeyotch of all. MEOW! According to Forbes Magazine, the most powerful woman in fashion continues to use her sway in politics. This year the Obama bundler teamed up with actress Sarah Jessica Parker to cohost a $40,000-a-plate dinner with the President, attended by a glittering array of designers and Hollywood icons. Some speculate she’s after an ambassadorship in London, but Wintour says these are just rumors–she’s quite happy in her current job. Vogue, which reaches 11.4 million readers in print and an average 1.2 million monthly visitors online, opened its digital archives in 2011 including articles, photos and ads dating back 120 years. It’s a thorough fashion history book and a new revenue stream–an annual b-to-b subscription price is $3,250. Wintour has edited the magazine since 1988 and is a member of the President’s Committee on the Arts and Humanities.
While I’m hard at work on a new post–or maybe it’s a chapter of my book...please enjoy the musical interlude.
It’s a dedication–of sorts–to the physical representation of the disembodied voice of my tugboat man. And while the lyrics might say, “all I want for Christmas is you” and that IS true in an existential way, it’s not the only thing I want for Christmas/Hannukah. Yes, I did get my Chanel Grand Shopper Tote, I mean, I could hardly represent my hood without it. Yo. But now I need the matching wallet. And although the GST is a roomy, serviceable day bag, I still very much need the 2.55 with the gold chain for all of my sparkling evening events. Which right now is zero, but once Tina Fey realizes that I am going to be her most prolific, witty, banter filled writing and producing partner, then I’ll be showing up at all the MAJOR parties. Maybe, just maybe, if I’m very, very good, I’ll be able to negotiate with my tugboat miser man and work out a mutually satisfactory deal, if ya know where I’m going with that. Wink. Wink.
P.S. And if you’re thinking to yourself…well, try this…imagine me imagining you with a thought bubble, “Is she really this shallow?” and maybe you’re getting a bad taste in your mouth about this whole “enchanted” person and her apparent obsession with Chanel and shopping, what if I was just a really good writer–but I’m a seventy-year-old MAN–or what if I was really the mariner, and I’m the one on a tugboat, and I have a scruffy blondish/silvery beard and all the boy parts and this is my secret persona–WHAT THEN, huh? Paradigm shift? Could be, ya never know…
Picture the one person in the world you really wish were reading your blog. Write her or him a letter.
Dear Mommy,
Your little Princess Rosebud is very very mad at you. You are not here anymore and for that reason I understand that you can’t defend your actions, but I’m still super duper mad at you anyway!
Here’s why:
1. How could you be so stupid as to travel all the way to France, actually enter the original Chanel Store on Rue Cambon, and only buy a scarf. A pretty scarf to be sure, but just a SCARF, a worthless square of fabric!! What good does that do me? You went to France in the seventies; if only you had been a better mother, you would have known that your only daughter would one day be obsessed with Chanel. A good mommy–a better mommy than you were–would have known that and would have made sure I had all my wishes fulfilled. At this point, it would be a VINTAGE bag. I HATE YOU! [Cue sound of door slamming-- just like the good old days.]
2. And another thing, how dare you die before your grandson got his Ph.D. HOW DARE YOU! That was incredibly selfish of you. You know how much he loved you and how he called both of us “Mom” and both of us would answer, “Which one do you want, honey?” I’m the one that had to buy him an Hermes tie and write a note to him telling him that if you were still alive, this is what you would want him to have because you are so proud of him and what he had accomplished. [Again with the I hate you and door slam sound effect].
3. You would totes love the captain. He would totes love you too, but he’s only heard stories about how wonderful you were. He had kind of a crappy mom and you would have filled that hole in his heart.
The universe is dropping some love on me today, that’s for sure. Ommmm. After the gym, I stopped at my secret source consignment shop…somewhere in SoCal…I’ll never tell. But I bet DIL knows which one I went to. OMFG, first I spied the red polka dots (and I’m a sucker for polka dots), and then I looked at the label. Vintage Valentino-fur reals. Then I looked at the price. $40. Forty dollars, are you serious??? Finally I tried it on, and it fits. It’s too good to be true! It’s two pieces. The dress is a sort of a halter top, but very intricate. The top is a snug fit with a flowy skirt, enough to hug the curves but not to make anyone think you’re trying to hide a big belly or some of that good old menopause paunch. The long-sleeved coat is absolutely stunning with handmade fabric buttons. It’s silk, of course, and that famous Valentino red. So well made, it puts my Target outfits to shame. Now I have the perfect outfit to wear for the captain’s arrival! Check out the label–I was telling the truth.
This won’t even take ten minutes. It’s not deep. It’s not profound. Its not life changing to anyone but me. It didn’t make the world a better place. It’s not even the birth of my eight and a half pound giant headed child. Nor was it the down-on-one-knee romantic and thoughtfully planned out marriage proposal from the captain. My offer I couldn’t refuse came recently. It happened a couple of weeks ago right before the captain left to go out to sea on his current assignment. I had been non-stop I LOVE LUCY-ing him, nagging, cajoling–WORKING IT–if you know what I mean, gurrls–for about two years until he capitulated. He told me to go ahead and “get that Chanel handbag you’ve always wanted”. THAT was the offer I couldn’t refuse. And so I did! This should come as no huge surprise to my loyal and patient readers who’ve endured a few posts about my Chanel obsession. Well, here she is, my Grand Shopper Tote in all her glory!
Cowboys and Crossbones and a few others have requested pix of the new addition to our family: my Grand Shopper Tote Chanel. I appreciate any opportunity to show off; I’m a proud mama. She went on her first outing today, first to Target, then Trader Joe’s, and up the street to Anthropologie, B/W Market, and Nicole Miller. At each location, I was treated with so much more respect and deference than usual, when I carried my old Louis Vuitton. Peasants! I’m the same girl who wears bleach stained sweats and old Yale shirts with so many holes they wouldn’t even be useful as rags. Please enjoy these pix and thank you for your interest!
This is going to be a brief blog ‘cos I’m working on some awards; thank you so much to my nominees!
Ya know there should be something between a 140 character Tweet and a blog. Sometimes a girl has just a bit more to say. (I’ve trademarked this, nobody better think about ganking it.) I know someone that can make it happen like THAT –oh snap.
Th saga of my car continues. So do the little red drops. I had an epiphany regarding “her” problem. I believe she has reached menarche. Obviously a late bloomer as she was born in 1983. Well, stranger things have happened. I surfed the internet and came up with a solution–a sanitary napkin for vehicles. I am NOT kidding.
Here’s info on the Kooss Pad and a helpful video. You never know when your car or truck will have a little “accident”.
I’m not just all about seashells, pearls, superficial Chanel desires, baking crazy healthy food, (s)mothering my Angel Boy child, and going to the gym. Well, I mostly am all those things–but additionally, as the wife of a proud Merchant Marine who abandoned me went back out to sea (to be able to buy me a Chanel), I offer a salute to Merchant Marines past and present. In spite of the fact that I’ve had a few delivery issues with our postal service, I love my mailman (whoa, that did NOT come out right, ha ha!). I continue to buy stamps and mail some correspondence and pay a few bills by snail mail instead of doing absolutely everything online.
How about we give a round of applause to all the mail that actually does make it to its destination!
I felt better pretty quickly, that’s what a Z-pack‘ll do, and we’re having a Santa Ana weather event (hot, dry, windy) so I did several loads of laundry and hung them out on the clothesline to dry, no really, that’s what I did! Then I decided to make petit4chocolatier’s Italian Chocolate Meatball Cookies because they look so delicious in her beautiful photos. My pix can’t compare to hers, but the cookies are delicious! I didn’t have the blue sugar crystals to sprinkle on top, but all in all, I think it was a success. Take a peek. They look like meatballs with Alfredo sauce. Thank you, Judy, for a fun cookie to make and an easy recipe to follow!
Delicately arranged on an antique Limoges plate
Unfrosted. They’re yummy like this, too, full of chips and pecans.
This is my deja vu–my first blog re-do–obviously my life is a deja vu redo Groundhog Day repeat. The captain was gone again, I was alone for a very long time…I’ve learned to use tags since then–maybe THIS time it’ll get read!
“…We sail tonight for Singapore, don’t fall asleep while you’re ashore” Tom Waits
Day 60: Alone again! It’s 8:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening and I just completed a copy editing assignment for a brilliant young neuroscientist. Since my first pink lock and key diary at the age of eight, I’ve filled notebooks and journals with my thoughts and observations, and even minored in creative writing in college, but the hardest thing in the world for me to do is to let go of my own words. (I’m a word hoarder. Hah!)
Update: Now I’m a word spewer–since I started blogging, I can’t STOP writing.
Although I easily re-write and proof and edit the work of others (and love to do it), my own words seem to be trapped somewhere; I am never quite satisfied with the finished product; I always feel that one more re-write is always needed—just one more, and then another and another–and I am determined to overcome this obstacle by blogging about my life as a wife of a Merchant Mariner.
To other MM wives, I’d love to share our experiences, problems, frustrations, and solutions. There are thousands of us around the world—let’s create a community and help one another. What do we all do when our guys are gone? In what ways do our lives change when they are away on assignment and when they are home? How do we cope with the work-related absence of a spouse, whether it is due to the military, MM, or any other career that involves a lot of travelling? Are you sad? Maybe relieved sometimes, if you were to be completely honest?
Update: Still hoping to create the community of Merchant Mariner Wives. I’ve met a handful and they’re wesome, but there has to be more! Come out and play!
Here’s a mini-version of my back story:
I’m a (was a) stay-at-home mom; when my son left for college, I stayed home. Don’t you think that’s funny? I do. That’s my standard joke/response when I’m asked what I “do”.
Some people think it’s funny, some people think I’m obnoxious. Story of my life.
I’ve been married to a Merchant Mariner tugboat captain for about eighteen nineteen years. For the first fourteen years or so, our life was pretty ordinary and except for a few assignments that took him away for a week or so, his schedule kept him working in local ports.
In 2009, he changed companies and became the kind of mariner who goes out to sea for extended periods of time and travels to the four corners of the globe. When I tell people that my husband is a MM, most either think he is a “Marine Marine” or they don’t know what a Merchant Mariner is or what they do. My guy’s an academy graduate (he won’t let me say which one ‘cos he’s paranoid that someone will figure out who he is) and has been working in the industry since graduation.
What exactly is a Merchant Mariner?
What do they do?
For those of you who don’t know, the United States has a fleet of Merchant Marine vessels, ships which are owned and registered in the US and fly under our flag, but are separate from the military. (We are proud supporters of American-flagged vessels.) For example, car ships carry cars (obvs!), container ships hold cargo of TVs, bananas, soda ash, or even sand and gravel.
The Merchant Marine supplements the military in times of war, transporting goods and equipment to areas where it is needed. The people who crew Merchant Marine vessels are known as Merchant Marines.
Perhaps you remember hearing about the Maersk Alabama, a container ship seized by pirates a few years ago? Tom Hanks stars as the captain in the soon-to-be released film of the Navy Seals’ rescue of the ship and her crew. People who work on tugboats are called Merchant Mariners.
My guy is a Tug and Tow Master, although he has decades of experience on yachts, passenger vessels, and just about every type of boat, EXcluding fishing. No Deadliest Catch stories here!
Tugboats pull (or push) barges all over the world, assist all types of ships in and out of their berths, and work in marine construction and the oil industry. It is really more complex that than, with a rich history and great anecdotes, but I am only the wife of, and my perspective is a different one.
Update: I made my captain audition for the Tom Hanks pirate film–even was sent sides (that’s a script to those of you who are NOT in the know like I am), but he didn’t get the part. He really should have. They cast a professional actor, which is not what the casting director said they planned to do. Darn!
Back to my story…this lifestyle has been quite an adjustment. When he’s home, he’s a 24/7 at-home husband, just like being retired, with an adjustment period of compromise and diplomacy. I have to remember someone else lives here and sleeps here and he has THINGS THAT HE PUTS EVERYWHERE.
When he’s away at sea, I become a sort of “grass widow”, and have learned to structure my time alone to stay occupied while waiting for my best friend to come home.
We modern merchant marine wives are really no different than wives of a few hundred years ago whose husbands went out to sea. We might have email access and satellite telephones, and are able to stay in touch more frequently than the occasional letter posted from faraway ports, but we are essentially on our own for a great deal of time.
We have to be comfortable with being completely independent and solve problems and fix broken washing machines and cars and take out the trash and mow the lawn by ourselves, unless we have kids still living at home on whom we can foist these chores.
My confession du jour? I fully rely on retail therapy to help me cope. That doesn’t mean I actually PURCHASE a lot and spend a lot of money, rather, I am an accomplished fashionista BROWSER, (which should be an Olympic sport, as far as I’m concerned.) I have endurance and I possess stamina. I’m a hunter AND a gatherer. A shot of wheatgrass and I’m good to go for hours in my quest for a treasure, a good deal, or something I just have to have, and can’t live without; the next get. You know that Shopaholic film? I’ve seen it about a dozen times; it’s like a training film for me! A day or so after my MM leaves, I fortify myself with a protein drink, a double shot of wheatgrass, and lay out my itinerary with quasi-military precision. I first make the rounds of my local stores; TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Ross, Target, Homegoods, just like a warm-up in my boot camp class, and then move on to H&M, Anthropologie, White Market/Black House. After that, I venture further away to the Nordstrom Outlet, DSW (yes!!!), and then our local mall for Bloomies, Nieman Marcus, and the boutiques-Tory Burch, Hermes, and the holy grail at South Coast Plaza in the OC…Chanel…Chanel…Chanel. I want/need a Chanel 2.55, the original black quilted bag with the chain strap. I am saving for a pilgrimage to Paris to pay homage to Coco at the original location. I. can’t. wait.
Update: I just can’t do it to y’all again, I know I’m probs on your last nerve with the whole Chanel thing, but it was cool for ME to tell myself, “Hey girl, your dream DID come true! Way to go to think it, believe it, and it will happen!”
Today, I was on the hunt for another blazer; blazers are super trendy and forever a classic fashion staple, but it has to be the right blazer in the right color and cut. I ended up at a local consignment shop and while I didn’t find the desired blazer, I discovered the treasure of a Tory Burch sweater with gorgeous logo buttons. I found a similar style for around $250, and I got it for $40. It’s in perfect condition and looks like it’s never been worn. The pic doesn’t do it justice; it’s a rich cocoa brown, and totes adorbs.
Well, it’s back to editing for me and building my Etsy store where I can sell all the ropework jewelry and beachy décor we create. I hope you’ve enjoyed this first glimpse into my world.
Update: STILL working on that Etsy store! I can’t get all the pix just perfect. Almost done tho, hopefully so I won’t miss the holiday season!
