Rebranding Fat Tuesday and Much LOVE for Cindy Crawford

There’s a connection here — or at least in my feverish condition, I see one…

Writer’s note: After I hit publish, I realized there’s grammatical confusion with the original title — I don’t think Cindy Crawford needs to be rebranded ALSO, which is what the “and” implied Update:. I think I fixed the problem with this version.

Photo:Enchanted Seashells,Confessions of a TugboatCaptain's Wife

Photo:Enchanted Seashells,Confessions of a TugboatCaptain’s Wife

It’s not the excessive alcohol consumption that bothers me, nor the shiny beads (I love all that is shiny and sparkly), nor the naked-y ladies dancing down Bourbon Street.

What really vexes me is the name…FAT Tuesday.

I know what it means…

Mardi Gras is French for “Fat Tuesday”, and is the practice of overindulging in rich, fatty foods before the ritual fasting of the Lenten season.

Because of my body issues, it’s the word FAT that causes me distress.

I work really hard to fight against being overweight, to eat healthy foods, exercise daily, limit my intake of fatty and rich foods — yes, it’s my issue, I KNOW that. I’m so short at five feet tall that an extra ounce looks like five pounds on my small frame. It’s been a life-long struggle.

Still.

Here’s what I think of when I hear FAT:
Plump
Stout
Overweight
Large
Chubby
Portly
Flabby
Obese

All very negative. FAT is an ugly word.

Here’s a thought. How about a total rebranding?

If it were renamed “Curvy Tuesday” or “Voluptuous Tuesday”, I’d be more inclined to wholeheartedly celebrate.

Doesn’t that sound better than “Plus-sized Tuesday”?

I dunno. I guess you could say I’m fat-shaming Fat Tuesday.


What do you think about this unretouched photo of Cindy Crawford?

Unretouched Cindy Crawford

http://www.dailyhiit.com/hiit-blog/hiit-community/cindy-crawford-releases-un-photoshoped-pictures/On another but similar subject, what do you think about this un-retouched photo of Cindy Crawford?

I think she’s gorgeous and real and it’s incredibly empowering.

There’s so much pressure to continue to look like we’re in our unlined and no cellulite twenties — I’m hopeful the future will bring less photoshopping and more authentic portrayals of women as we are. I stopped reading all those fashion mags ‘cos they’re really depressing. Try as I might, I could never attain that level of skinny.

This might sound like a mixed message with my observations about FAT Tuesday, but it’s not. Really.

Happy Curvy Tuesday, everyone!

 

 

Oy Vey, Jon Stewart, You Broke My Heart

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And right before Valentine’s Day!

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, MY LOVE?

Did you hear the news?

My secret fantasy, the love of my life, my all-time JewCrush, has broken my heart.

I’m verklempt.

OY, the PAIN!

#1 JewMom heartthrob: Jon Stewart.

Jon’s Goodbye
http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/02/jon-stewart-goodbye-the-daily-show

(We profess love for the dreamy Max Greenfield — Schmidt of “New Girl” — however, he’s a bit young for a true midlife fantasy as he’s about the same age of our sons — and there’s something not quite right with that scenario, if you know what I mean.)

Don’t misunderstand —  I have a special place in my heart for my erstwhile tugboat man; after all, we’ve been married for just about twenty-one years, but JON STEWART owns a huge piece of my heart (the Jewish part.)

Those blue eyes, that soupçon of unruly hair that falls rakishly across his forehead, his sort of creepy and girlish giggle — even his UBER hairy hands — no one else measures up.

His wit, his humor, his singular delivery, even his SINGING — I’m fanning myself- what will I do?

How will I survive?

What about NEWS? What about VIEWPOINT?

Don’t worry, hub knows all about how I feel about Jon — he shares the love — and never misses “Your Moment of Zen”.

We trust The Daily Show to deliver the kind of UN-biased news that reflects our perspective, our cynical and mocking attitude toward all that is political…

And he has rescue dogs! Rescue! Dogs!

I’m planning a trip to the east coast to visit Professor Angel Boy; WHAT IF I WAS IN THE AUDIENCE FOR A TAPING OF JON’S SHOW?

WHAT IF WE MET? 

That would be totally awesome.

TOTALLY AWESOME.

The stuff of dreams, my friends. The stuff of dreams.

Jon’s First Daily Show

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/28/jon-stewart-first-daily-episode_n_2204750.html


My previous posts about Jon Stewart:

Dear Jonathon Stuart Lebowitz

http://enchantedseashells.com/2013/01/26/dear-jonathan-stuart-leibowitz/

The Real Meaning of Thanksgiving

http://enchantedseashells.com/2012/11/21/the-real-meaning-of-thanksgiving-enjoy/

 

 

 

Au Revoir, Facebook

For the last and final time, Facebook has thwarted my desire to be known far and wide by my nom de plume, Princess Rosebud.

For my friends who like me on Facebook, I am so sorry.

No longer will I be able to waste hours and hours with you.

I will miss you!

I thought the most recent ploy on their part to force me to reveal my true name was successfully sidestepped by christening myself Rose Bushes which I believed was a singularly brilliant albeit tongue-in-cheek gaming of their stupid RULES.

Today, out of the blue, Facebook shut me out again,

I give up.

This time, they demand I send them some form of “acceptable” identification, like a driver’s license or a passport, which I feel is a huge violation of my legal and privacy rights.

I will NOT be doing that.

Of course, they will say it’s their sandbox and their rules.

P.S. There’s a chance that my blog posts will still automatically appear on my now defunct FB pages but I won’t be able to comment or converse with anyone. My sincere apologies!

So be it.

Je suis Princess Rosebud.

Au revoir, my friends.

Of course, you can still be my friend on Twitter…

https://twitter.com/EnchantedCshel

Ello, anyone?

 

 

Was Jennifer Aniston REALLY a Bitch to Benedict Cumberbatch?

Last night, in a blaze of dueling tweets, those of us who thrive on celebrity stupidity were glued to our televisions AND our fingers were SMOKING to offer thousands of unwanted opinions on all topics Golden Globes-related.

(This is one of the few activities that I thoroughly enjoy when my tugboat man is out to sea. I can watch and tweet without hearing his snotty, sarcastic complaints and girly-like whining and whinging.)

The following are some of my observations of last night’s show, in no particular order, just as I’m remembering them.

One moment stood out for me right at the beginning of the show.

When Tina Fey asked for someone to volunteer to announce the first award with Jennifer Aniston, Benedict Cumberbatch was chosen. What followed was either a poorly thought out and executed skit OR Jennifer Aniston is an ungracious, selfish, self-centered BITCH.

I choose the latter.

In my opinion, Cumby was genuinely excited to be chosen – he was a bit nervous in a totes adorbs way, and seemed to have no pretense about him.

On the other hand, JenASS was dismissive, rude to him, short-tempered, and even made a comment sotto voce about “doing it by herself”.

If it was pre-planned, and I don’t think it was, it fell flat.

Like I said in a tweet. “Cumberbatch rules, Aniston drools.”

What do you think?

Similar to the overkill with Margaret Cho as a Korean dictator. It was kinda funny the first time or two, but we got message, OK?

More relevant and eloquent was the speech by the foreign press guy (can’t remember his name) about free speech and the horrific tragedy in Paris.

For me, even with the anticipation of Tina Fey and Amy Pohler, the Golden Globes was simply “Je suis ennui.” (I am bored.)

I wasn’t wowed by them this year, sorry everyone!

The Cosby jokes were cringey and kinda in bad taste, ‘cos I don’t think rape is at all funny, and certainly not a topic to joke about.

I love love loved Michael Keaton tearing up about his son. That was beautiful.

I was never a fan of single George Clooney (I actually bet my tugboat man he was gay a while back) so married GC doesn’t really bother me. I’m not getting the marriage to an obviously brilliant international barrister, though. It seems to be a weird match — down for her, up for him – and THAT Fey/Pohler bit was funny AND great observational humor.

What else…trying to remember. Oh yeah. Then there was Kristen Wiig. Girl, PLEASE don’t wear my bedroom drapes and matching pillow to an awards show again. Thank you. It was hideous on so many levels.

And then there was Prince. Totes cray, right?

Fashion-wise, there lots of double-sided sticky taped boobage every where you looked. Kate Hudson looked amazing, JLo did not. Kate Beckinsdale is so gorgeous I have a girl crush on her. Poor Melissa McCarthy and Lena Dunham. Sad.

But the very best surprise of the night is that I’m now being followed on Twitter by the brilliant, insanely snarky comedian, Carolyn Rhea! I’ve always admired her wit and ability to cut to the heart of a situation. I wish she had her own show!

Like to follow me? I’m at: https://twitter.com/EnchantedCshel

carolynrhea2 carolynrhea1

 

Hairy Hanukkah Harry and The Story of Hanukkah 2012

Hannukah candles

Forget elf shaming, try a little Hanukkah Harry Guilt! (Not gelt).

This post is a time machine back to the year twenty-twelve, but it’s the only one I have for Hanukkah.

That year I was all alone. Again. 

Happy Chanukkah or Hanukkah or Hannukah or Channukah 2014!

However you spell it, it’s eight days of prezzies! 


…or the continuing saga of my life.

As my first husband’s mother said to my mom, “isn’t it such a shame you wasted so much money on her education. She doesn’t really seem to do much of anything, does she?”

Looky here, readers, you all need to stop whining right now. Right now, I say!

I’ve peeked inside your private lives. Here’s a typical scenario:

8:00 a.m. You’re home with your spouse before leaving the house to go to work or he goes to work while you “stay home to take care of the kids” which really means you’re going to Tweet and shop all day and change a diaper or two, only if necessary. Not all of you, but enough to make it true. And I know it’s true ‘cos who do you think I tweet with all day?

Spouse: “I’ll home home at six. See ya.”

{Smooch goodbye}

crzy cat lady bathrobe

This is awesome.

Wife pulls the ratty bathrobe a bit tighter and rebelts it because an important message is acoming…

“Now you come right home after work, don’t stop anywhere; no bars, no strip clubs, nothin’. You come right home, ya hear me?  I’m making something special for dinner tonight.”

Spouse: “OK”

He walks out to the car. Five seconds after leaving the house, before the car even backs out of the driveway, he totally forgot everything his wife said. Typical, right?

6:00 p.m.- no hubby

6:15 p.m – no hubby

6:30 p.m. Here it comes…the power texting, phoning, emailing commences.

{no response}

burned dinner in oven7:00 p.m. Dinner burns. wife drank all the wine, spends time sharpening knives. Candles burnt down to nubs, the smoke of one burnt out candle with its acrid scent floats through the air.

The scissors come out to make a few strategic alterations in his favorite t-shirt.

She opens another bottle of wine.

8:00 p.m. His car drives up, front door opens, “Hi honey, I’m home!”

“WHERE. WERE. YOU.”

‘Wha? Why is it so dark in here?”

Where. were. you. I called. I emailed. I texted.”

“Ohhh…didn’t I mention I’d be late today? I -uh- thought I did.”

-End scene-desperate housewives

OK, I could go on and on but the point is that when 99% of you get mad at your significant others when they’re late; when work or whatever–delays their arrival at the appointed hour–you all need to STOP WHINGING AND WHINING about it!!

Since the world revolves around me, take a walk around South Coast Plaza in my shoes (not the Gucci ones, tho. I wear a 5 1/2 and your feet’d stretch ‘em all out.) I was expecting the captain tomorrow, Thursday. I cleaned the house, washed the windows, planned and anticipated the whole homecoming–even made a new welcome home sign–and he called and said he’d be LATE.

HE’S GOING TO BE A MONTH AND A HALF LATE!

HE WON’T BE BACK UNTIL SOMETIME NEXT JANUARY 201THREE!!

I’m not saying not to be pissed at your inconsiderate spouse–I would never think to deprive you of that joy–just think about ME next time.

OKAY?

Your “late” and my “late” are two different things altogether.

Ahem. Now, to give equal time to my cultural background as a full blooded Jewish American Princess, may I formally present to you my Hannukah installation….with the one and only Hairy Hannukah Harry holding the torah. Eight candles represent the eight days that I had to wait before I could spend more of the captain’s hard earned money.

Hannukah candlesForget elf shaming, try a little Hanukkah Harry Guilt!

Best Christmas Decorations EVER. Haters, Line Up! Yoo Hoo, #Pinterest, I’m Calling YOU!

 I hope you enjoy a repeat of one of my most clicked on posts of 2012 while I get ready for my son and DIL who are visiting for a couple of days and my tugboat man who’ll be home on December 23. 
…..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     …..     

Don’t HATE…EMULATE!

It was last year that I was inspired by other topnotch decorators who so kindly blogged about their DIY Christmas tree masterpieces.

In fact, I was so inspired and so thrilled to be stuck here all alone for the millionth time during the holidays that I created a masterpiece of my own, just for you, my loving internet family.

As I looked around my house, the elliptical seemed like it had the best “bones” to adorn.

Plus, it had a ready-made beverage holder!

I didn’t have any Maxi-pads or other feminine hygiene products–‘cos THAT ship has sailed–if you know what I mean. (Hey cool, a nautical reference jauntily tossed in. Damn, I’m good!)

I added a toilet paper garland, a couple of Sophie Kinsella novels, two glittery seashell ornaments, a bottle of wine in the beverage holder, a white plastic poinsettia, a few EMPTY gift bags, and a festive plush Hello Kitty toy.

You can’t really see it very good, but there’s a chocolate bar too, which I don’t have to share with anyone! I’m such a lucky girl! This is the best use I’ve found for the elliptical. Hanging freshly ironed shirts hanging on it is a close second.

Now you can carry on with your day; just take a moment to let it all sink in.

The moral of the story is that it might not be a good idea to leave Princes Rosebud alone for long periods of time.

Don’t HATE…Emulate.

Decorated for Christmas elliptical

Property of Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain’s Wife

decorated elliptical

Property of Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain’s Wife

Where Fashion and Function Meet and Marry

There’s so much RIGHT with this.

versaceamaretto

…from a marketing standpoint.

…from a branding standpoint.

…a marriage of two MAJOR brands.

…aspirational and inspirational, quenching my thirst on a couple of levels.

Follow along with the way my brain works, OK?

Do you know Lizzi at Considerings?

She very kindly (after I twisted her arm) shared her amazing recipe for Lebkuchen  — a traditional German cookie — that I plan to bake in honor of the homecoming of my esteemed (German) Professor Angel Boy, also known as the boy/man who can eat more food than anyone I’ve ever known — a Guinness World Record contender – which makes baking and cooking for him a total and complete joy.

The frosting calls for Amaretto, something we don’t normally keep stocked in the Enchanted Seashells liquor cabinet.

After a massive shopping excursion at Trader Joe’s, I walked down the sidewalk (in the same shopping center) to BevMo.

I picked up a small bottle of Amaretto (along with a few other items, as long as I was there, ya know.)

In the center of the main aisle, my eye were drawn to a bright blue box — one of those promotional boxes of booze they feature around the holidays usually boasting a value added option like glasses or a shaker.

Wait, hold on a minnie.

This was DeSaronno Amaretto, but a larger bottle than the one I had in hand, and it was packaged with two pretty glasses.

OK, I didn’t really need more glasses that I’d just end up breaking, BUT I do like a bonus.

Chanel notwithstanding, I am a thrifty gal.

Upon closer inspection, the final affirmation of purchasing perfection was my realization (in slo mo) that the amaretto bottle itself was DRESSED IN VERSACE.

DRESSED IN GIANNI VERSACE.  amaretto11

Picture me doing a double take.

Wha?

Yes! Yes! Yes! A DESIGNER CLOTHED BOTTLE OF BOOZE!

(And only a few dollars more than the naked/undressed/unadorned bottle and THAT satiated my price point.)

Oh HELL YES, I said to myself as I grabbed it off the shelf.

SEASHELLS AND CHERUBS.amareatto16

I’m all verklempt, fanning myself with my shopping list.

OY. VEY.

Come to MOMMA.

A perfect marriage, a perfect union of form and function.amaretto10

A truly  brilliant marketing design.

hello kitty

Water bottle and iron on patch.

I haven’t been THIS excited since my son sent me a water bottle from Yale that featured Hello Kitty.

At the time, I thought THAT was the pinnacle of marketing heaven.

Backstory: Versace and I have a sad history.

When tugboat man and I were newly married, his father and stepmother gave me a Christmas present in a beautiful brilliantly white Versace bag with the iconic lion. Read all about my disappointment HERE @
Lesson #1. Never do this to your daughter-in-law. Ever.

The only Versace I own is that white bag.

Up until now, that is.

Now I have a stylishly dressed up bottle of booze.

Life is good, y’all!

P.S. I have the world’s worst in laws — world’s WORST. The Versace bag incident was the tip of the iceberg. It’s been downhill ever since. I have NO IDEA how my tugboat man turned into such a wonderful, loving, caring human with ‘rents like that. Truth.

“Selfie”: TV Review

MV5BMTc0MzgwMjc1MV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNjExMTE5MjE@._V1_SX214_AL_“Having haters online means that you made it!”

“But having haters in real life means people hate you.”

“Selfie”.

How could I NOT be intrigued?

I’m not a professional reviewer. I’m not on staff of a newspaper (do they even exist anymore?) —  I don’t write for a trade publication like Variety, I don’t have a horse in the race, so to speak.

Simply put, I watch a little television from time to time.

I’m a VIEWER, not a REviewer. 

Some of my all time favorite shows are outside my demographics; for instance, I LOVE LOVE LOVED Gossip Girl and mourned the day the series ended.

Oh Blair! Oh, Chuck! Oh, Serena! Oh, Dan!

And I like(d) New Girl, but now I’m almost — but not quite– over it. Except for Schmidt. LOVE him!!

Love Sherlock; watch Downton Abbey but sometimes it’s a snoozefest.

I’m not enamored of the “vampire” genre, nor do I enjoy crime or hospital dramaz. Too much blood and guts, not enough sex and snark.

The only reason my opinions are made public is that I’m a BLOGGER.

Bloggers are inherently self-absorbed and narcissistic, don’t you agree?

Here we are, as a whole, writing down our thoughts and observations and sharing various parts of our lives and putting it all OUT THERE for the world to see and appreciate —  IF we’re doing it right.

See how it always circles back to being about me? See what I’m saying?

I’ve strayed a bit off-topic…

The teasers for Selfie were so adorable, I hoped the show would live up to the preview, and for me, it has.

Created and executive produced by Emily Kapnek for Warner Bros. Television stars Karen Gillan as Eliza Dooley and John Cho as Henry Higgs. P.S. Karen Gillan is AMAZING.

From the website: 

“Social Media superstar Eliza Dooley (Karen Gillan) has 263,000 followers who hang on to her every post, tweet and selfie. But after a workplace mishap goes viral, she quickly realizes that being “instafamous” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and being friended is not the same as having actual friends.

She enlists co-worker and marketing guru, Henry (John Cho), to ‘rebrand’ her self-obsessed reputation and teach her how to connect with people in the real world.

At first, Henry wants nothing to do with Eliza, who is the epitome of all he deems wrong with the app-addicted world.

But soon, Henry takes pity on her.

What Henry doesn’t anticipate, however, is how much he’ll learn.  As a workaholic who rarely makes time for socializing,  Henry eventually begins to realize that his little “project” just might have something to teach him. After all, keeping life at arm’s length is great for taking a selfie, but not so much if you want someone in the picture next to you.”

I’m hooked on the snappy wit and often seriously funny dialogue.

It’s so refreshing to discover a TV show that is NOT a retread of an old idea — CSI ad nauseum. Not a fan, soz.

The situational humor is for the most part believable, not clichéd nor contrived nor forced.

Might Selfie be ahead of its time?

It’s possible that some of us aren’t quite ready to hold that mirror up to ourselves and examine certain behaviors, but I’m a fan.

Selfie: As a society, we have become so connected to our technological devices that we’ve become DISconnected to human interaction and communication.

This is true.

Hey here’s me — a blogger — using several social media platforms to share my opinion about a TV show that conveys an important message in a gently mocking way.

 DO YOU GET IT?

Yeah, it’s a fairly overt reference to Pygmalion  and My Fair Lady — with the proper guidance, anyone can be a lady, only in this case, Henry is determined to teach Eliza how to interact as a human, not as a hashtag.

It’s truly a twist with a modern POV.

In fact, it happens to me IRL (in real life) on a daily basis.

  • In the line at the gym waiting for the next class to start, whether it’s Yoga, Pilates, PiYo, Boot Camp, or Shadowboxing – no one TALKS any more. NO ONE. Everyone stands there, cocooned in their own little world, and doing what? Scrolling through FB push notifications? Texting whom? About what?
  • And here on my flight to SF, sitting next to me is a woman about my age, (with a really superb specimen of a large carryon Louis Vuitton travel bag btw) head down, no eye contact, scrolling away on her smart phone
  • Across from me is another woman playing Solitaire on her phone, and next to her is a guy watching a movie.

All around me is dead silence except for the tap-tap-tap of the keyboard.

Wait, that’s me, haha. I’m isolated too, observing and writing it all down.

It’s eerily quiet. No chit chat, no verbal communication but for an occasional “excuse me” to go to the bathroom.

Selfie is a cautionary tale told with humor and insight.

I give Selfie five Louboutins out of five. LOVE it!louboutin

 

 

Princess Rosebud’s Brief Adventure

Image

“Shut up, shut up, shut UP!”

This is directed to the ultra-loud professional in the euro-style suit leaning on his rolling suitcase about six inches from my seat.

“Guess what, MISTER METRO, I  don’t need to know the details of your previous important meeting and how that will impact your next even more important meeting.”

NO, I DO NOT.

I am NOT impressed.

THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU.

(It revolves around ME.)

I’m at the airport.

I’ve been here for hours, waiting for a 5:15 p.m. flight.

For me, travelling alone is SO stressful, even though I’m anally organized, that it’s really no fun at all.

I’ve called my tugboat man several times already.

“What time should I leave for the airport?”
“How much cash should I bring?”
“Should I leave a light on inside the house?”
“How much should I tip the guy who drives the shuttle?”

In answer to his question about how I’m getting from the airport to my son’s home…

“Yes, he’s picking me up, and we’re taking BART and then walking.”

Look at all my crap stuff for two days.  HAHAHAHAHA

airport

Quinoa-Protein Bars, Brownies, Oatmeal Raisin Cookies — as well as assorted food items like lentils ( I know, I know, they most likely stock lentils in San Francisco), a variety of teas, my own French Roast coffee, and wasabi seaweed snacks.

Like ten pounds of food.

I am aware that I packed WAY TOO MANY outfits, and I know there are clothing stores in walking distance, but I have an irrational fear of not having the RIGHT OUTFIT for any proposed activity.

Even though we’re probably just going hiking in a local canyon so I can look for coyotes, and I’ll be spending a certain amount of time cleaning their house (like I always do), I like to be prepared. That’s why I brought my own yellow rubber gloves. For reals.

Security was HELL. I got “randomly” selected to go to secondary. They were concerned about my cell phone or something. Like have they never seen a phone that is NOT a smart phone? Geez. So they tested it a few more times and finally released me.

Good to know I’m not a threat.

Two more hours…

A lady sat down next to me eating something that smells so GROSS.

I need a drink.

 

BREAKING NEWS: “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” Cancelled!

Honey_Boo_Boo_eyes_on_you_animated_gif“There goes Honey Boo Boo”  — that should be the new title, ha ha.

NEWS: TMZ reports that TLC has cancelled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” in the wake of allegations that June Shannon, aka Mama June,  is dating convicted child molester Mark McDaniel.

According to the TMZ, the network has already shot an entire season of new episodes, but will not air them due to the allegations, as they believe that Shannon is putting her children at risk.

In a world that ignores and covers up domestic violence and child abuse in professional sports, where whole networks are dedicated to hunting and killing animals, I am skeptical of TLC’s swift action to cancel “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”.

Is it a ploy to placate those of us who are outraged?

Is it just another spin — will HCHBB be reinstated after a short period of time, like that other stupid show, “Duck Dynasty”?

Or is this another kind of spin to garner more publicity and gauge the pulse of the public with regard to just exactly how much we’ll tolerate?

Were the advertisers outraged?

This is all speculation on my part because I don’t watch the show.

And why not, you might ask?

Yes, it’s offensive on a myriad of levels, but the major reason is that it pains me to my core to watch so many horrible fashion choices.

Happy Friday, y’all!