“Them Beeyotches Be Cray”

“Them beeyotches be cray.”

That’s what Jeana Keough‘s daughter, Kara, said about Bravo’s Real Housewives of Orange County during the grueling two-hour test of RHOOC endurance celebrating their 100th episode.

Some of the original beeyotches

Some of the original beeyotches and their breasts.

I’ve been watching RHOOC since the beginning. I really hate myself sometimes for how much I love this real/fake/scripted show. Almost as much as I loved The Hills and Gossip Girl. (Yup, my real age is about thirteen. I admit it.) My tugboat man REEAALLLY hates it; in fact, it’s a deal breaker with us when he’s home. He REFUSES to be in the same room when it’s on — so I watch it when he’s out to sea or when he’s surfing.

I’ve seen all the different franchises; New York, Miami, Beverly Hills, New Jersey — I was totes obeshed with the original New York —  crazy Kelly and Bethany with her “satchels of gold”, but then I lost interest ‘cos it seemed like they were trying too hard for the camera and lost focus. Gia Guidice

At any rate, they lost me as a viewer. New Jersey kind of disgusts me; mostly I feel bad for all the children. My overall impression of NJ is that they all seem to be involved in some sort of criminal activity.

I don’t feel a connection to any of the cities except for OC, maybe ‘cos it’s just up the road from Casa de Enchanted Seashells.

I feel like SUCH the dirty voyeur peeking through the drapes when I watch the  drama and bad behavior. Even tho I know most of it’s not real, I’m drawn into it anyway.  When I see a row of Chanels in every color of the rainbow, I am so jel, I drool. Really. The pink Chanel. Drool.

heather-dubrow-picYa know how sometimes you meet someone and totes have the hate on for them immediately? That’s how I feel about Heather Dubrow, one of the newer cast members. OMG, I just Googled her name and it’s like Google can read minds with their predictive text. How did they know that I was thinking Heather Dubrow crazy eyes? Her eyes ARE weird; they look fully dilated ALL the time, very strange, very off-putting. Don’t get me wrong, I can throw down with the best of any mouthy Jewish girl, but she seems so mean spirited and supercilious — and she ain’t all that. I think she’d contrive to be a bit more humble – her weirdly Joker-like pointy scary face isn’t the best advertisement for her plastic surgeon hubs, if ya know what I mean. SUH-NAP…

I found these comments about her on Google, so it’s obvs I’m not alone in my opinion:

“Heather Dubrow has black zombie eyes with a face stretched like the Joker. Horrible underbite too. All that money, nosejobs, botox, etc etc and they can’t undo some genetics like her junkyard dog neanderthal underbite…”

“I think she is a plasticized, botoxed, wide-eyed frozen face horror movie doll.  This crazy needs to keep her big mouth shut.”

“She comes across as very overbearing and manic. She doesn’t look like she ever relaxes or is mellow. Almost as if she were on amphetamines. I don’t like her personality. It’s like she’s always studying others and her mind is never at ease. You get the feeling she’s never kind and gentle and has a Type A personality.”Jesus jugs

You know who I have sympathy for? Jesus Jugs, aka Alexis Bellino. I agree with her that the other beeyotches pick on her — I don’t know why she continues to allow the bullying, but everyone has their price, I guess.

I know what my price is; as much as I would love to be on a show called The Real Housewives of SoCal Tugboat Captains, I have a feeling it would be non-negotiable with Mister-Don’t-You-Ever-Tell-Anybody-My-Name-or-Post-a-Pic and that’s just for this blog. I can only imagine his response to being attached to a microphone and filmed.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Lots of divorces are the intentional or unintentional fallout for exposing your life and secrets on a reality show. I’m not sure I’d want to sacrifice mine — but you never know…the lure of those Chanels is a powerful game changer. I could film it while my tugboat man is out to sea and he’d never know, right?

Do you watch any of the Real Housewife shows? Which one(s) resonate with you?(Just another way of asking which one is YOUR dirty little pleasure?)

29 thoughts on ““Them Beeyotches Be Cray”

  1. I don’t watch the Housewives shows, though I had to watch RHOOC a few times because of this fun fact – I dated Terry Dubrow for a while when I was in college – we went to the same high school. He was such a nice guy back then…not sure how he ended up with such a lunatic.


  2. I’ve caught snips and bits of many of the franchises. I honestly can’t stand to watch them. Mainly because there is nothing in their lives that resonates with an average housewife. And the drama is just way too much.


  3. One of my friends is addicted to the Orange County one but I must say I havn’t watched it. My guilty pleasure is millionaire matchmaker. Patti is so horrid to her clients sometimes but i cannot help watching it.lol.:)


  4. I no this may seeem IMPOSS but I’ve neva thrown-down with the shizz on any of them Housebeeatch shows. Iz just no that they wud confuzzz the hubs an interferon with my buzz. Nuff said.


  5. Ok, so I’m totally out of this loop and clearly live under a rock. After reading this … maybe happily so. Pretty funny stuff if it weren’t so sad. I get the addiction. I’m addicted to Project Runway and The Apprentice, so you see, there is no judgment here! Fun read!


  6. I occasionally tune in to some of them. I don’t know the difference. My dirty pleasure is SYTYCD and American Idol. I also watch Sister Wives. I watch and bitch about how much of a creep I think he is the whole time. My husband just runs to another room LOL.


  7. Oh lady, I am a total RHONJ whore!! My husband just asked why I still watch them, and its because I have to see Teresa get what’s coming.

    I also think Teresa and Ramona can give Heather a run in the crazy eye department!


  8. I got rid of cable this year to save some money so I no longer watch Bravo. I miss these shows!! I have to say, I am not a fan of Alex, at least the Alex from a few seasons ago. Fun valley girl verbiage in this post!


    • Thank you for the compliment and guess what? We got rid of all cable except for basic and I found the RHOOC on On Demand, so that’s where I get my fix. When the cable bill was $100, I got disgusted. Now it’s $36 and I’m still upset about it, but don’t know what to do, cos we wouldn’t even have the local news stations without it. I wish I could get rid of it completely. Good for you!


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