You’ve Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It.

Making the bed

                             Making the bed. Perfect, right? Yes, those are Hello Kitty slippers.

What goes on behind closed doors at Casa de Enchanted Seashells?

Besides seashells and glitter and the constant repositioning of my Princess Rosebud tiara, here’s an accurate recollection of a recent conversation between me and my Tugboat Man.

I’m not promising you that it’s at all funny or witty or full of banter — it’s like a Seinfeld episode — a whole lotta nothing.

Backstory: I change the sheets on our bed every week. That day is referred to as “Sheets Day.

Me: I’m gonna change the sheets today, it’s Sheets Day!

Tugboat Man: Do you want some help?

Me: I think I can do it myself, but thank you for offering.

Tugboat Man: Don’t be a martyr. Let me help you with your broken wing.

Me: OK, but you have to follow my orders and do everything MY WAY. Can you promise to do that?

Tugboat Man: No.

Me: Well, then I don’t want your help, cos that’s not helping at all. Helping is doing everything I say. THAT’S helpful. Otherwise it’s just called pissing me off.

Tugboat Man: OK OK. Don’t get your panties in an uproar. Let’s do this, c’mon, I need to go surfing while the tide is right.

Me: Well, excuse the hell out of me. Don’t let me hinder your surfing lifestyle, Gidget. Geez.

Tugboat Man; {Pointing to the clock by the bed} Tick tock.

Me: Pick up this end of the mattress and lift it so that the fitted sheet will completely surround the corners and be as taut as possible.

Tugboat Man: Let’s just get it done. Really, Rosebud, you are such a micromanager. Why are you such a control freakazoid?

Me: Well, I told you I could do it by myself, but since you insisted, you have to do it my way. There’s a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to do this. MY way is right, YOURS is wrong.

Me: Now I’ll teach you how to do a hospital corner with the top sheet, mitering the sides as we tuck it under and smooth it out. That’s how Mommy taught me. It’s called a “hospital corner”. You know she was an RN and that’s the way I learned to do it and that’s how I’ve done it and that’s how I want it done.

****If you don’t know how to make a “hospital corner”, click on the link.
It’s a perfect tutorial!   
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Hospital-Corner

Me: Why are you acting like such a baby? You are really messing with my bliss here.

{Tugboat Man sloppily pushes the sheet under the mattress and moves on to the other side} 

Tugboat Man: There. It’s done,

Me: No, no, no, not like that. Sigh. You can’t simply shove the sheet under the mattress! It has to be perfect. Remember that story, The Princess and the Pea? That’s me. I can feel it if it’s not right.

Tugboat Man: OK, how’s this?

{He threw all the blankets on the bed and rolled himself up like a burrito, laughing maniacally}

Me: Oh-Em-Gee. You are worse than having a kitty around when I’m making a bed. Get up. Get off the bed. Geez. I thought you wanted to go surfing. Stop rolling around.

Tugboat Man: Why did you put the sheet on upside down?

Me: It’s NOT upside down. It’s only printed on one side, right?  You like it when the top sheet is one way and I like it this way, so when the printed top is folded over, the pretty side shows.

Me: Anyway, why does it matter to you?

Tugboat Man: I don’t know, I just like it the other way.

Me: Next time I’ll do it your way, ‘k?

Me: Now let’s take the bedspread — NOT LIKE THAT — fold down your side the exact same width mine is folded, OK?  Now it’s perfect. Thank you for your help. {Eye roll} Leave the pillow arrangement for me to do. You can’t just throw them up there — they each have a specific location.

Tugboat Man: Can I go now?

Me: You are soooo annoying. Why are you always so passive aggressive? If you didn’t want to help, you shouldn’t have offered. Yes, please go. NOW.

{We kiss goodbye. He leaves, and I rearrange everything MY way, and NOW I’m happy.}

_________________________________________________________________________

  • Do you and your significant other agree or disagree about which side of the sheet is revealed — or do neither of you care at all? 
  • And how about toilet tissue? Are you an over or an under? Hubs and I do agree on that (over).

49 thoughts on “You’ve Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It.

  1. Hilarious!! Yes, there is a certain CORRECT way to make a bed. Corners tight, top sheet so the pretty side shows when turned over, both sides hanging equally. M hasn’t a clue how it’s done. He’d be happy with a blanket thrown over the mattress and another to pull over himself. And when he gets in bed at night – EVERY NIGHT – he stretches out and levers his legs around so the sheet comes untucked. AAUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And I insist the toilet paper be over. But I’m the only one in the house that understands the complexity of changing the roll. Sigh…

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  2. Yep, there is a right way and a wrong way to make the bed, and pillows…which way the ends face is something I am pretty precise over and hubby just bungs them any old way. Grr!!

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  3. Nope. We just make the bed.
    I do howver make sure the blankets are spread evenly over both sidees.
    Then I point that out to her so she knows I’ll be able to tell if she’s hogging blankets.
    Doesn’t stop her tho…

    And that’s an awful lot of pillows!

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  4. Usually I won’t argue over minor domestic issues. In the house, just let the woman be the queen and I will just be the king outside home, if it’s possible. There is a Chinese saying, one mountain can’t accommodate 2 tigers. So at home, I be the little cat while I let the other one be the tiger as long as she reverts to the role of the little cat when she steps out of home with me.

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  5. LOL, we have to make our bed two ways. On my side I can’t have anything tucked in, I feel like I’m trapped! And on his side it’s tucked in. No mitered corners though. I don’t think I’ve ever hear the word miter and beds in the same sentence. That’s awesome.

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  6. We’ve had the hospital tuck conversation. I never learned it and was the only one to make the bed for let’s say decades, and now that he’s home to help the dear man tells me how it’s done every, every time. He never noticed in all those years and I’m tired of hearing about it, but I shut up because he also reminds me he learned that from his dearly departed mother and I’m hoping a bit of patience here will pay off and I did like his mother. Mostly though I want my son to have a kind thought one day about a household item I taught him. P.S. My side never has the tuck, his always does. Oh well, long marriages have their repeated dramas. P.P.S. Hope you’re feeling better and healing well.

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  7. OK, first off I have to tell you your bedroom would drive me nuts. I am a minimalist – no ruffles for me! I do put 2 extra pillows on the bed when I want to get fancy, but they are just shams matching the comforter.
    When hubby & I first met he wanted the top sheet your way because his mother had always done it that way. Made no nevermind to me so I just adapted. However, I do object to having the corners tucked in so tight. I can make hospital corners like a champ, but as I’ve grown older I prefer to have my feet much more lightly covered (& often sticking out of the covers altogether), so when he wants to tuck my corners I pull them out really loose.

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    • I bet you can rock the hospital corner! It’s a good thing my hubs likes all my “decor”, otherwise, we’d have a lot more spirited discussions and compromises. Mostly I think he finds me highly entertaining LOL.He tends to like it looser and untucks every night; I really only am compulsive on “sheets” day, the rest of the week I’m much more relaxed about things!

      On Sat, Jul 27, 2013 at 9:46 AM, Enchanted Seashells…Confessions of a Tugbo

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  8. I hate sheets day. Making beds after is NOT easy. It’s nice to have help.

    I can totally hear your voice saying all of these words LOL. You are Mr. Seashells are funny. 🙂

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