Fifty Shades Of Grey. No Way.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Credit: IMDb

As you can probably imagine, I love very romantic chick flicks with happy endings — whether it’s Love, Actually or Notting Hill or Bridgit Jones, Confessions of a Shopaholic, My Best Friend’s Wedding — and remember the good old days of  When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle?

Ahhh. Romance. YES.

I could include Dirty Dancing, but the ending is ambiguous. WILL they get together again, or WON’T they? I like a nice, tidy ending with a FOREVER love.

And then there’s Fifty Shades of Grey.

Sixteen words describe the film, based on a novel by E.L. James.

According to IMDb: “Literature student Anastasia Steele’s life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey.”

Sounds pretty benign, right? We all know THAT’S an understatement, right?

No mention of BDSM (and I had to look it up, ‘cos I had NO IDEA what it was.)

At one point in the film, Christian tells Anastasia that he “does not do love and romance.”

Not very Valentine’s Day-ish to me. Not the message I’d want to hear, that’s for sure.

Ch, Jamie Dornan is nice to look at, but I’m not getting the appeal of Dakota Johnson.

I think there was more sexy chemistry between Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick) and Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester)  in Gossip Girl.

Then, also on IMDb (which is different than BDSM haha), I found this…

[SPOILER ALERT]

It’s a Parent’s Guide (!) for Fifty Shades of Grey with this disclaimer: the content of this page was created directly by users and has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.

(And this is just my opinion as a MOM, but I don’t really think this is the kind of movie that contains appropriate content for children. Or teens. Or young adults. Or anyone, ‘cos I’m kind of a prude that way, but that’s just me.)

So here you go, if you haven’t read the novel and you’re thinking about seeing the film, and you don’t want to be surprised…

“A woman tells a man that she is a virgin and he asks, “You’ve done other things, right?” to which she answers that she has not and he takes her to a bedroom and then they remove their own clothing (we see full nudity of both people, except for the crotch area); he kisses her mouth, throat, chest, nipples, abdomen, navel and the inside of her thighs several times, blows air onto her chest and abdomen, removes her panties and lies on top of her where he thrusts and she moans and writhes (the camera pans up to show his bare back and buttocks thrusting in a ceiling mirror).

A woman lies nude on a bed with the camera behind her head, looking toward her feet; she spreads her thighs slightly and we see her shaved pubic area and vagina lips slightly parted for a few seconds. In several scenes, we see a man and a woman completely nude from the back. A woman is seen fully nude in several head to foot profiles while standing and while lying on a bed; we see her full breasts and nipples, several times in close-up. Several scenes feature a nude woman from the waist-up, in close-up, facing the camera and. A shirtless man wears jeans that reveal his upper pubic area (no pubic hair). A woman facing away from the camera drops a robe and we see her bare back including buttocks. A laptop screen displays two Internet images of nude women tightly hog-tied with black leather straps and we see partially nude thighs, abdomens and backs.

A man throws a woman onto a bed, removes her clothing, removes his clothing, blindfolds her with her undershirt, and ties her forearms and wrists together with a necktie; he then roughly turns her over onto her face and chest and begins intercourse and we see thrusting and hear gasping as the scene ends; the camera cuts to the couple in bed under covers, he dresses and leaves after telling her he does not do love and romance. In half a dozen scenes, a man uses a necktie or red ropes to tie a nude woman’s hands above her head in bed, sometimes to a bed’s headboard and sometimes, he ties her ankles to the foot of the bed and he blindfolds her as well in a few scenes; in one scene, he removes and smells her panties, then sticks them down the back of his jeans as he manacles her wrists to an overhead frame, tickles her body with a riding crop all over her body and then slaps the crop against her rib cage and buttocks causing her to gasp; he lifts her thighs and begins intercourse in close-up and we see her abdomen hitting against his abdomen.

In three scenes a man turns a woman over his knee at home, raises her skirt, lowers her panties, and slaps her buttocks as she gasps. We see a riding crop hit a woman’s bare buttocks in close-up as she gasps. A man hits a woman’s buttocks with a heavy lash while she counts and cries and we see no injuries until she stands up, pushes him and stomps a foot, making her bare breasts jiggle. A woman wearing a blindfold, is handcuffed by the wrists to a headboard above her head; we see her from the upper-chest-upwards, we see her startle and hear her gasp (sexual stimulation is implied below the frame) as a large peacock feather is drawn across her lower legs and breasts from off-screen; a many-tailed flog is drawn across her body in the same way, with light slapping of the abdomen three times. In a bedroom scene a man spits a mouthful of wine into a woman’s mouth, then takes an ice cube in his mouth, rubbing it along her lips, chest, nipples and abdomen as she gasps. A man and a woman are shown in a bathroom where he is bare-chested and she is seen fully nude from the back (we see them in a mirror); they sit together in a bathtub of water as she leans back against his chest and we see her topless as he dribbles water across her chest and the scene ends. A man and a woman on their first date have sex on a couch: with the camera behind the couch we see thighs until the woman’s roommate enters the apartment and the two on the couch get up and the man dons jeans off-screen while the woman wears a knee-length slip that bares some cleavage.

A shirtless man sits on a piano bench in the dark in a long shot and his girlfriend approaches, wearing a large sheet that he pulls away; we see her fully nude from the back as she straddles his lap and sits and he stands up and carries her off-screen, holding her thighs (her buttocks are spread apart somewhat and sex is implied). A man and a woman kiss passionately for several seconds in a dozen scenes; he also caresses her lips and face with his fingers. A man and a woman have a passionate encounter in an elevator; the man backs the woman into a wall, holds her hands above her head and kisses her passionately as she returns his kiss (we see tongues touching). A pilot straps a woman into a helicopter seat with three straps, his hands coming close to her groin and he cinches her straps tightly and she gasps.

A man and a woman discuss a bondage and sadomasochism behavioral contract in an office; she asks the man what “anal fixing” and “vaginal fixing” are, but he does not have the chance to explain because they are interrupted. We hear that a man’s mother was a prostitute and he tells a woman that his adoptive mother’s friend seduced him when he was 15 years old, making him a bondage submissive to her dominant character for six years and that at age 27, he has had 15 women submissives serially.

We see a red upholstered dimly lit room with a red leather headboard on the bed, a ceiling mirror above it, red walls and red carpet and various of sado-masochist appliances.”

(BTW IMDb = Internet Movie Database)


 ICK. Sorry, but this does not appeal to me. I don’t like the message; it sounds quite rape-culture-ish and crosses boundaries I’m not interested in crossing.

Tugboat man returns next week. I asked him if he wanted to see the film, and he said NO. Definitely NO. Definitely NOT in a public forum, that’s for sure. Being around a bunch of people who are semi or full-on aroused grossed him out, he said.

  • Have you read the book(s)?
  • Will you see the film?
  • Will you see it in theaters or in the privacy of your own home?

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, everyone!

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24 thoughts on “Fifty Shades Of Grey. No Way.

  1. I read the books to mock them. Or at least, book one and part of the second. I gave up after that.

    I can’t help laughing at how technical and clinical the parental guide comes across. Kudos to their writers!

    No, I will not be seeing this movie.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. No, I haven’t read it and don’t intend on seeing the movie. Many of my friends read the book with varying reactions.I don’t know what to think about its popularity. None of it offends me in small doses with a story, (though I may not have heard of such and such before), but this seems to become repetitious like killing legions of soldiers with gaping wounds in movies until no one is human and all of it is sick.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am a lover of gorgeous fashion not icky bondage books written by sad frumpy women – pass and pass again. Going shopping and celebrating our collective pass on this movie with a flute of champs!
    MWAH & Happy Hearts’ Day to you Princess!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know how I feel but I know neither of them appeal to me. Truthfully I thought a lot of what I just read was pretty hot! But they actors aren’t! I will def see the movie at some point but probably not pay to see it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I read the books. The writing was cheesy but fun reads. I do find it hilarious that those groups who are so against it write such detailed notes. Not that I’m into it but from reading the numerous articles swirling around and debating it is that this particular culture is very much into trust and consent and the problem with the books is that while is it steeped in the bondage the author got it wrong when Christian would create situtations that took away the consent like ignoring the safe words. So interestingly you have people that don’t understand that culture up in arms and the culture itself up in arms because they aren’t about abusive relationships and are being portrayed incorrectly. I find the debate fascinating. I did hear that the movie is corny as well so not sure if I’ll watch it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I read 30 pages of the first book and chucked it out. The “hero” is a creepy scumbag. The book was originally written as a Twilight series fan fiction. The author wasn’t original enough to create her own characters and had to re-use someone else’s. I thought it was garbage.

    Liked by 1 person

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