Top Ten Things My Husband Hates About Me

On a whim, for no real reason, I sent my tugboat captain husband-in-absentia an email asking him to come up with ten things I do that piss him off, airing our dirty laundry, so to speak.

He wrote back that he….

  • …was too busy, didn’t have time to play my “little game”.
  • …is smart enough to know he should NEVER put anything in writing that could be used agaist him in a court of law.
  • …was sure I didn’t need him to tell me what I already knew.
  • …knows that I answer for him everywhere we go, so I could respond to my own query.
  • …was sure that I only asked or cared because I want to write a snarky post about it.

What a smart ass jerky jerk he is, right?

But he does know his little Princess Rosebud, that’s for sure.

Pretending for a moment that I’m a tugboat captain married to me (lucky guy), I walked a couple of steps in his shoes and compiled a list of my annoying traits…and no, I don’t plan to make any changes to my behavior because it amuses me to piss him off.

The List

organic-red-apple_3001. Hub HATES it when I hand him an apple to eat (or a peach or a pear) and I don’t remove the sticker first. I’ll wash it, of course, but the fact that this annoys him just means that I’ll ALWAYS remember to NEVER remove the sticker, ‘cos it’s so much fun to hear him rant about it.

2. I routinely let my car run out of gas when he’s out to sea, park it in the garage, and then I use HIS car until it’s also out of gas and then I call or email him to find out how many miles I have left in the reserve tank before I have to refuel or call AAA. Uh, I HATE going to the gas station. Duh.

3. As compulsively clean as I am, I leave open every single cabinet in the kitchen; and no matter where I am in the house, I laugh to myself as I hear him close each and every one when I leave the room. Hee hee.

4. We used to go out swing dancing and to Lindy Hop events, and he HATED that I would fight him for the lead. I’m not a very subservient follower; even while dancing, I like to be in control. He would say, “In most things in life, Rosebud, you can tell me what to do, but when we’re dancing, the MAN LEADS!” It’s a tough concept for me to grasp. So…we don’t do too much dancing anymore.

5. He hates that I love to watch Real Housewives of Orange County and once made him drive me to Laguna Beach and walk around pretending to be one of them. (For reals.)

6. He hates that I bug him to play Scrabble because I think I’m so smart and then when I see that I’m going to lose, I upset the board and ruin the game. Yes, I’m a sore loser.

7.  More than anything, he’s frustrated with me because my mouth has a mind of its own and it will yell out VERY RUDE things to people who are either texting/talking on their cell, or if I witness abuse/mistreatment of  children/animals…and then he has to step in and be my reluctant knight-in-shining-armor, but on the other hand, he tells me he loves me for my passions. He’s sending mixed messages, right? So it’s all his fault, right?

8. This is more of a thing that he’s perplexed by, rather than pissed off by…I’ll drive across town to either get the lowest price on a–let’s say for example, a ball of twine (READ ABOUT IT HERE), or I’ll take back a fifty cent item because I am SO CHEAP, yet I have no problem at all slapping down the plastique for a Chanel handbag or designer dress or a pair of Kate Spade specs. Drives him totes cray! I say it also keeps him on his toes.

9. He gets really incensed when I don’t wear safety goggles to mow the lawn. REALLY. Professional mariners are VERY safety-conscious. VERY. Since I mow the lawn mainly when he’s out to sea, he can’t enforce his safety rules. He is so not the boss of me!

{I checked Chicago Manual of Style online to determine whether it’s “safety conscious” or hyphenated “safety-conscious” but it didn’t give me a clear-cut answer and then I got bored with the research.}

10. Mostly, without  a doubt, the NUMBER ONE thing he hates is when I write about him in any context. And a picture of him? Forget about it. He refuses to let me post a photo of him, of us together, or any personal info.

For all that you guys know, he’s a figment of my imagination, but he really exists, I promise! See? Here’s my tugboat man shoveling mushroom compost ‘cos that’s what hubs are good for! 


A Prophetic Discovery From Princess Rosebud’s Vault

I’ve tasked myself with organizing old photos and memorabilia collected and tossed in shoeboxes ever since the tugboat man and I met in 1991.

(While I’m typing away, the unmistakable fragrance of eau de skunk is wafting through the patio doors. It’s very distracting! Should I go out and look for the skunk or – er — oh, wait, I’ll be back in a minute. [tick tock tick tock] Thanks for waiting. I didn’t see a skunk but as long as I was out there, I grabbed a few loquats and snacked on ’em –hot from the sun; sticky and juicy. Don’t you wish you were here with me?)

OK — I’m focused again.

It was during this purge of duplicate pics and random grocery lists tucked away between birthday and Valentine’s Day cards spanning a couple of decades that I found a page torn from a yellow legal pad, folded into quarters. I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash.

tugboatmanletterThen I thought to myself, why did I do that before I looked at it? I dug it out of the trash, unfolded and put the pieces back together, read it and OH EM GEE.

I had almost destroyed an amazingly prophetic artifact. I must have written it when my tugboat man moved to Hawaii for about a year. Although we visited back and forth, I wasn’t sure what the future would hold…

Here’s the story:

Part Two (I’ll have to look for Part One)

Forever & ever land

Time went by and the seasons changed. The captain and his lady came to realize  that the distance between them had no effect on their love. it was special.

One day, the captain suddenly decided to come home. He had completed his journey and was ready to share his life.

Several times his lady had almost given up hope, but deep in her heart she had faith that their love would survive.

Without warning, he rang the doorbell.

She opened the door, surprised, but peaceful and content. This was the way it was meant to be. They stood for a long time looking at each other and not saying a word.

Finally, her captain sighed and his eyes filled with tears, “I have come home, Rosebud.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, angel”, she replied. “I will love you forever and ever.”

And they lived happily ever after.

The End

Isn’t that just the cutest thing ever? I am uber-embarrased to say that the writing is very much junior high school level even though I was thirty-something, but the whole genesis of Princess Rosebud and her Tugboat Man was conceived at that precise moment in time and must have been occupying space in my subconscious until now. How cool is that?  It’s good to know that once in a while, dreams really do come true. The details of the reality are slightly different, but the end result remains the same.

Who knew I had a crystal ball?crystal ball