PART TWO: “Bitch, Stay Away From My Husband”

Now that I’m not so tethered to the toilet (TMI?) I can focus on the second part of my two-part story, “Bitch, Stay Away From My Husband”.

I’ve done some research, which is what you’d expect from a former sorta wanna-be investigative journalist who (eons ago) used to work at a local TV station.

Simply stated, some chicks have a thing for a guy with a ring.

The Husband Hunter is a real thing.

As for me and hub, we’re still solid here, he just needed a little reinforcement training – a refresher course, you might say — about how to spot predators and how to avoid them.

Here’s the thing.

When I saw them standing on the beach, I had a tremendously powerful visceral reaction — he was pointing to a wave while she was leaning in his direction, acting for all the world that he was showing her a treasure full of the world’s riches.

Can I be honest with you?

I mostly super hated her for being cellulite-free and having great legs, which I do NOT.

There, I said it.

Since I’m purging every other thing in my body at this point, I might as well vomit that secret up, too.

No babies, no stretch marks, and the bee-yotch was standing there all tanned and tawny blonde hanging on every word MY husband is saying?

She ALMOST was close enough to touch his arm. MY ARM, if you know what I’m sayin’.

OH NO she dint.

I can’t explain how I went from being all happy and mellow and digging the laid back beachy kind of ambiance to RAGING LUNATIC, but there you have it.


Oh so Jekyll and Hyde-ish…

I walked due south, spread my towel, and sat down, truly as I said in Part One, smoke was pouring out of every orifice.

Hub FINALLY scanned the beach, noticed me, picked up his board, and walked over to where I was and said, “What’s up? Did you see that wave I caught? It went on forever.”

(That girl didn’t follow, by the way. She walked down to a group of single guys and was chatting with them. I THINK she picked up on the arrows and hate vibes I was spewing.)


“Did you hear me? How long have you been here? Were you able to video it?”


Then… Me…“Don’t you know what that girl is trying to do?” “She’s putting out all kinds of feelers, trying to make a connection, looking for a surf buddy — or more. Like somebody else’s husband.”

This is where the tugboat man went off course (nautical term supplied by said tugboat man although he has no idea why I wanted to know that.)


You’re thinking to yourself, oh NO, he DINT. But he did.

He said, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

(Now the smoke ignited and there were actual flames coming out of me.)

“She’s here all alone and just wants to talk about surfing. She doesn’t even have a car, poor dumb kid.”

Are you KIDDING me?

IMPORTANT POINT:  Hey, guys who might be reading this, or spouses and girlfriends might want to print this post and leave it out where your significant other might find it, like let’s say—in the bathroom, here’s the scoop. Sometimes good guys are very innocent, naïve, trusting even. They don’t get that SOME women have ulterior motives and things are not exactly as they seem. I’m not even saying that my tugboat man is not to be trusted, that he’s ever given me a moment of worry ‘cos I don’t play that game. That would be a deal breaker if I couldn’t trust a man 1000%, especially a guy who travels for a living. Plus, we have this total honesty type of relationship – we have from the very beginning; it’s one of the tenents of our relationship.

I was never worried about him.

I was listening to my gut and very suspicious of this chick, and what’s more telling? I NEVER get that vibe unless there’s something to be wary of. Women, listen to your instincts. They will never lead you astray. (Although, later on in the week, my gut was saying all kinds of OTHER things, ha ha.)

So, my tugboat man and I had a little “discussion” about that very fact right there on the beach.

Yes, my friends, the crazy came out.

The crazy was set free, you might say.

The more he defended her by saying things like:

  1. She’s not interested in me.
  2. She knows we’re married and celebrating our 20th.
  3. No girl wants a married man.
  4. I’m too old for her, she’s our son’s age.

The more that kind of CRAP came out of his mouth, the more crazed I became.

Of COURSE she was looking to hook up with a guy who had enough money to fly down to Mexico with his surfboard and stay at a resort.

OF COURSE some girls like married men because they are tried and true proven goods.

I mean, if another woman stuck around for twenty years, there must be some value there, right?

Even IF she only wanted a surf buddy or someone to drive her around ‘cos she was too stupid to rent a car out in the middle of nowhere which meant she was stuck unless she could bum a ride from someone, EVEN IF ALL THAT, it was not appropriate for her to choose my husband to hang around.

What made me even more crazy was when he said that I was OVER-REACTING.

Guys, guys, guys, I’m going to give you some really important advice here: Don’t EVER EVER EVER say that to your woman. EVER. Not EVER.

If you want def con level mushroom clouds of nuclear cray to be rained down on your head for a LONG time, go ahead, but please for the love of god, listen to me.

It just MIGHT save your life.

Finally, what stuck in his thick head was when I said that the more he defended HER, the more it seemed that HER feelings were more important than MINE and there was something skewed in that, don’t you agree? I’m his wife, the person he’s supposed to love and cherish more than anything in the world, and for whatever reason, this whole scenario was upsetting me, and THAT should take center stage.

If the situation were reversed, I would care more about HIS feelings than that of anyone in the whole world.

In fact, a long time ago, we had a mutual friend, an attorney, who started emailing me innocent stuff, jokes, lawyer stuff (my dad was an attorney so I can talk the talk) and then he started asking me advice about his personal life and I was spending quite a bit of time online with him. Hub told me it bothered him; I thought about it, saw it from HIS point of view, and EVEN THOUGH it was all innocent on my end, hub’s feelings meant more to me than anything, and I stopped the “relationship”. It was simple, and that’s the behavior model I reminded him about.

As it turned out, that stupid bitch found other men to bum rides from and hang out with – at other surf spots like Perditos up the road that had smaller waves, and the rest of our stay at Villas de Cerritos was predator-free. However, some damage was done.

This episode messed up what was otherwise a wonderful little holiday south of the border. My tugboat man and I are almost always on the same page; we like to believe we’re a “team”, and this had us on opposite sides of the universe for a time.

He couldn’t believe I went ballistic and couldn’t have quietly discussed my feelings, and I have NO explanation for my intense reaction, but we got past it, and now we’re even laughing about it, so no lasting harm was done.

In fact, on our last day there, she was eating alone in the restaurant near the pool where I was trying to catch the intermittent wifi signal, and I said hello to her, but with a definite coolness. I’ll be polite but UP TO A POINT, if you know what I mean.

But…I can guaran-damn-tee you that it will NEVER happen again.

Here’s my tips to females travelling solo:
First of all, kudos to you for being brave enough and empowered enough to travel alone. I could not do it. It’s not that I don’t like to be by myself, but I could never go it solo. Maybe in a group tour or something, but not totally on my own. More power to you if you can. BUT, when you do end up at your destination, try befriending the wife/girlfriend. Do NOT ignore the wife and converse solely about stuff that you and her hub/boyfriend might have in common, such as surfing. In other words, buddy up to the female first, win her over, before you mow her down to get to her man. Get it? HER MAN, not YOUR MAN. Most couples who vacation together actually enjoy being together and are spending time alone to do just that. BE TOGETHER ALONE. We are not interested in a third party hovering around, bumming rides, that kind of thing.

The takeaway for my tugboat man (and for ALL MEN) is to be ever vigilant and even a little suspicious of single women hovering around. DON’T be clueless. DON’T forget who is most important, who you sleep with, who makes your food and has the ability to add or NOT add rat poison, and who you’ve invested many years in as well as a few Chanels. (Of course, that last tip was specifically directed to my own hub.)

FINAL Conclusion ‘Cos I Love to Have the Last Word:
Apparently what happened was that the girl had come up to hub when he got off this bomber twelve-foot wave ride and was congratulating him and that’s when I walked up. Nothing more. But I didn’t know that and didn’t give him time. Oopsie. Tee hee. My bad.