Spit or Swallow?

Are you blushing? I surely am. And giggling like I’m in junior high, too.

watermelon I meant WATERMELON SEEDS, of course. Geez. Head out of the gutter, people, pull-eeze!

It’s almost Memorial Day and everyone’s gonna be barbecuing and eating watermelon, and I was just wondering…do you spit or swallow?

What did you think I was referring to?

Now that I have your attention — er — way back in 1892, where would you go to discuss intimate topics?

Hmmm?

Have you ever thought about that?

The Cottage PhysicianYou certainly wouldn’t have found the answers in The Cottage Physician, the old medical book that’s endlessly fascinating to me.

(Every so often, I’ll blow the dust off and share interesting tidbits here on Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain’s Wife. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.)

As I was thumbing through the yellowed and worn pages, I discovered a chapter about marital relations.

That was before the days of sex education in school, “Our Bodies, Ourselves“, and even Mr. Rogers‘ “Everybody’s Fancy”.

If you can wade through the gobbledygook and read between the lines, let me know if you are as confused as I was.

Excerpt fom The Cottage Physician:

Man and Wife

A Plain Exposition of Their Duties, Moral, Mental, and Physical

vintage weddingpicWe now meet, as it were, two pure beings at the altar, who have profited by the advice and example of judicious parents or guardians, of sound morals and social views; but notwithstanding that the crowning happiness of the two lovers has been achieved in their becoming man and wife, there is yet much to be considered and accomplished on the part of both before their feet are established upon a rock.

In the first moments of his matrimonial existence, then, the newly fledged husband must not suppose for a single instant the ears or the eyes of his wife are less chaste and pure than they were before she had become his in the sight of God and man.

Here is a point of vital importance, and one upon which such grave issues hang, that we place it in the very first rank our present observations.

Save in one instance alone, the conduct and consideration evinced towards the maiden must be mainly observed towards the wife; for through this manifestation of respect and delicacy, the freshness and novelty of courtship may be continued for an indefinite period.

Let the wife be preserved by the husband a beautiful mystery in part—let the natural veil of modesty which shrouds every pure woman be never ruthlessly torn apart, or her sense of propriety be blunted by coarse or indelicate remarks, and the charm of her being will never pall upon the sense, but, on the contrary be, as Shelley has it “A joy forever”.

tumblr_inline_mi33458irI1qz4rgpUh, OK. Right. Clear as a bell.

Eye roll.

Obviously — spit.

Click on Tina Fey’s pic for the gif animation if it doesn’t activate automatically. I’m tech-challenged.

Daily Prompt: Cliche

Well, kinda, sorta. When is a cliche not a cliche? When you ignore the Daily Prompt? Or reinterpret it? Am I a cliche? Oh well. Carry on…

Clichés become clichés for a reason. Tell us about the last time a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush for you. 

My brain wasn’t able to process that whole concept today–my ability to think has been hampered by too much Oscar news–from Anne Hathaway‘s “nipple-gate” to Kristen Stewart‘s limp (and possibly 420 friendly pre-Oscar fun) to Seth McFarland as host, I need a day or so to wrap my brain around anything more profound than wishing with every fiber of my being that one day Tina Fey and Amy Poehler really will host everything.

cranky_old_ladyBecause of my retail therapy disaster on Friday, I felt frustrated, unfulfilled, and downright cranky.

The best cure I know of (for mostly everything) is to work outside in our yard.

Listening to the birds and burying my hands in the soil (even our horrible SoCal cement) never
fails to lift my spirits.

Somehow this might–but probably won’t–tie in–even loosely–with today’s Daily Post prompt.

Among the many different types of birds in our area; Goldfinches, Scott’s Orioles, woodpeckers, House Finches, Scrub Jays, and sparrows, a new bird came to visit and eat raw almonds on our deck. Hi, buddy! A couple minutes later,  I heard the shrill call of a hawk and snapped a pic high up in a eucalyptus tree. Okay, that’s two birds–not in a bush–but two birds!

hawktreebirdondeck

I started at the top of the hill where we’ve planted all California natives. Our recent rains made the weeds grow like crazy.

I brought a boat cushion to sit on and pulled and pulled. In between the weeds were dozens of baby sage and buckwheat sprouts. My tugboat man is a great helper in the yard but his philosophy is more of slash and burn. It takes patience and a love for newborn plants to carefully pull only the weed while gently nurturing the babies.
sageonhillcrazycactus

Snow in SoCal! 

snowfromyard2When I took a break and looked up, I saw snow! I zoomed my little Canon as much as it would go and took a pic. It’s at least fifty miles away–amazing! I didn’t realize that the power lines would show so prominently; they’re pretty far away, too. Our view was really spectacular before the developers ruined everything and built all those houses.

It’s Spring! Temps were in the seventies this weekend with the bluest blue sky.

Apple blossoms

Apple blossoms

New Zealand Tea Tree

New Zealand Tea Tree

Acacia in bloom

Acacia in bloom

Sweet Pea Bush flower

Sweet Pea Bush flower

Sweet Pea Bush  & Rosemary

Sweet Pea bush & rosemary and lots of rocks. Oh, and bunnies, too.

The icing on the cake of my weekend was this butterfly. She let me get within inches of her and posed for her money shot. That’s MY Oscar winner!butterfly

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A Grateful Monday

As part of my 2013 resolution to release my inner beeyotch, Helen Reddy‘s inspiredI am Woman helps me stay on track!

I would like to thank three awesome women for their creativity and imagination, especially since it’s all about ME!

1. Rarasaur’s delightful interpretation of ME! Check out her incredible blog and just try to figure out how her mind works! She’s another SoCal girl and she loves cats! And she’s only 60 inches tall just like me! I love her a lot and you will too. Rarasaur doodle enchanted seashells

2. IB DesignsUSA banner in nautical flags, because sometimes the best answer is “Meow”.  Kathy loves all things nautical and is a lovely lady with a great business. International maritime navy signal flags are a colorful way to spell names, messages, or to decorate your home. Give a personalized signal flag banner or wall hanging as a nautical wedding decoration, an unusual boating Christmas gift, or just for the plain fun of it!

Meow banner

3. In response to a tweet of mine bemoaning my lack of mail–no packages, no invitations to a ball, no requests to attend a movie premiere with Tina Fey–wonderful, awesome Red Dirt Kelly sent me a t-shirt!! I was so excited to return home (from my all day torture of my tugboat man as I dragged him from store to store at South Coast Plaza in the OC until he was so exhausted that he was at my mercy and he begged me to buy something, anything from Chanel so he could go home) and find a package to open and it was this t-shirt! Everyone needs to read the Red Dirt Chronicles!

reddirtkelly

Don’t miss Tuesday’s exciting blog! I’ll share an in-depth reportage of our day at South Coast Plaza, a day of torture and retaliation, culminating in a new Chanel acquisition!
Beeyotches RULE!

All I want for Christmas is you…and a credit card with a high limit.

While I’m hard at work on a new post–or maybe it’s a chapter of my book...please enjoy the musical interlude.

 

It’s a dedication–of sorts–to the physical representation of the disembodied voice of my tugboat man. And while the lyrics might say, “all I want for Christmas is you” and that IS true in an existential way, it’s not the only thing I want for Christmas/Hannukah. Yes, I did get my Chanel Grand Shopper Tote, I mean, I could hardly represent my hood without it. Yo. But now I need the matching wallet. And although the GST is a roomy, serviceable day bag, I still very much need the 2.55 with the gold chain for all of my sparkling evening events. Which right now is zero, but once Tina Fey realizes that I am going to be her most prolific, witty, banter filled writing and producing partner, then I’ll be showing up at all the MAJOR parties. Maybe, just maybe, if I’m very, very good, I’ll be able to negotiate with my tugboat miser man and work out a mutually satisfactory deal, if ya know where I’m going with that. Wink. Wink.

P.S. And if you’re thinking to yourself…well, try this…imagine me imagining you with a thought bubble, “Is she really this shallow?” and maybe you’re getting a bad taste in your mouth about this whole “enchanted” person and her apparent obsession with Chanel and shopping, what if I was just a really good writer–but I’m a seventy-year-old MAN–or what if I was really the mariner, and I’m the one on a tugboat, and I have a scruffy blondish/silvery beard and all the boy parts and this is my secret persona–WHAT THEN, huh? Paradigm shift? Could be, ya never know…

I tried out for The Next Food Network Star-Sunday Confessions

NextfoodnetworkstarA couple years ago I tried out for The Next Food Network Star but I didn’t make it past the first audition. Apparently, they just weren’t quite ready for a mouthy little vegetarian.

No really, everyone with the production was super nice. They told me I’d fit in well with their team in New York. I’m never going to move there, but it was nice to hear that anyway.

tina-fey-amy-poehlerTina Fey and Amy Poehler ought to host everything. Forever. Watching the Golden Globes makes me think of all the movies I haven’t been in and a few that I was in. Briefly.

I envision myself in the audience at the GG as a nominee and then hearing my name called. I know that anyone who has ever acted at all has practiced their acceptance speech just like me–in the bedroom in front of the mirror, with a head toss and a shaky voice and a tear to wipe away.

My tugboat man has a problem with his truck that necessitated a trip to an auto parts store. We’re toying with the idea of a camping trip to the Grand Canyon–I’ve never been–so we def need a working vehicle. There’s a TJ Maxx across the street from the O’Reilly Auto Parts so I decided to come along for the ride. Hubs dropped me off at TJ and said he’d call me when he was done to come back and pick me up. Perfect. Way better than having him come with me or killing me slowly by forcing me to go to the auto parts store with him. SNORE.

On a completely different topic and because I just heard Lena Dunham mention him–I’m two degrees away from Chad Lowe. A very good friend in college used to  have wild sex with him up in LA. Which means I’m three degrees away from Rob Lowe. Wheeeee!

So…Hubs called me to let me know he was done with buying the spark plugs and blah blah blah, and I should wait out front TJ Maxx for him to pick me up.

When he drove up, I opened the door and he said, “How much for a [insert sexual act here]?”

prostitute pickupIt’s always special when your hubs thinks you’re a prostitute, right?

As an accomplished actress, I fell right into the role.

I’m a natural, you might say.

My answer? A Chanel Grand Shopper Tote, matching wallet, and a vintage 2.50 carat Australian opal ring surrounded with diamonds. Meow.
opal diamond ring