A couple years ago I tried out for The Next Food Network Star but I didn’t make it past the first audition. Apparently, they just weren’t quite ready for a mouthy little vegetarian.

No really, everyone with the production was super nice. They told me I’d fit in well with their team in New York. I’m never going to move there, but it was nice to hear that anyway.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler ought to host everything. Forever. Watching the Golden Globes makes me think of all the movies I haven’t been in and a few that I was in. Briefly.

I envision myself in the audience at the GG as a nominee and then hearing my name called. I know that anyone who has ever acted at all has practiced their acceptance speech just like me–in the bedroom in front of the mirror, with a head toss and a shaky voice and a tear to wipe away.

My tugboat man has a problem with his truck that necessitated a trip to an auto parts store. We’re toying with the idea of a camping trip to the Grand Canyon–I’ve never been–so we def need a working vehicle. There’s a TJ Maxx across the street from the O’Reilly Auto Parts so I decided to come along for the ride. Hubs dropped me off at TJ and said he’d call me when he was done to come back and pick me up. Perfect. Way better than having him come with me or killing me slowly by forcing me to go to the auto parts store with him. SNORE.

On a completely different topic and because I just heard Lena Dunham mention him–I’m two degrees away from Chad Lowe. A very good friend in college used to  have wild sex with him up in LA. Which means I’m three degrees away from Rob Lowe. Wheeeee!

So…Hubs called me to let me know he was done with buying the spark plugs and blah blah blah, and I should wait out front TJ Maxx for him to pick me up.

When he drove up, I opened the door and he said, “How much for a [insert sexual act here]?”

It’s always special when your hubs thinks you’re a prostitute, right?

As an accomplished actress, I fell right into the role.

I’m a natural, you might say.

My answer? A Chanel Grand Shopper Tote, matching wallet, and a vintage 2.50 carat Australian opal ring surrounded with diamonds. Meow.