“Selfie”: TV Review

MV5BMTc0MzgwMjc1MV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNjExMTE5MjE@._V1_SX214_AL_“Having haters online means that you made it!”

“But having haters in real life means people hate you.”

“Selfie”.

How could I NOT be intrigued?

I’m not a professional reviewer. I’m not on staff of a newspaper (do they even exist anymore?) —  I don’t write for a trade publication like Variety, I don’t have a horse in the race, so to speak.

Simply put, I watch a little television from time to time.

I’m a VIEWER, not a REviewer. 

Some of my all time favorite shows are outside my demographics; for instance, I LOVE LOVE LOVED Gossip Girl and mourned the day the series ended.

Oh Blair! Oh, Chuck! Oh, Serena! Oh, Dan!

And I like(d) New Girl, but now I’m almost — but not quite– over it. Except for Schmidt. LOVE him!!

Love Sherlock; watch Downton Abbey but sometimes it’s a snoozefest.

I’m not enamored of the “vampire” genre, nor do I enjoy crime or hospital dramaz. Too much blood and guts, not enough sex and snark.

The only reason my opinions are made public is that I’m a BLOGGER.

Bloggers are inherently self-absorbed and narcissistic, don’t you agree?

Here we are, as a whole, writing down our thoughts and observations and sharing various parts of our lives and putting it all OUT THERE for the world to see and appreciate —  IF we’re doing it right.

See how it always circles back to being about me? See what I’m saying?

I’ve strayed a bit off-topic…

The teasers for Selfie were so adorable, I hoped the show would live up to the preview, and for me, it has.

Created and executive produced by Emily Kapnek for Warner Bros. Television stars Karen Gillan as Eliza Dooley and John Cho as Henry Higgs. P.S. Karen Gillan is AMAZING.

From the website: 

“Social Media superstar Eliza Dooley (Karen Gillan) has 263,000 followers who hang on to her every post, tweet and selfie. But after a workplace mishap goes viral, she quickly realizes that being “instafamous” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and being friended is not the same as having actual friends.

She enlists co-worker and marketing guru, Henry (John Cho), to ‘rebrand’ her self-obsessed reputation and teach her how to connect with people in the real world.

At first, Henry wants nothing to do with Eliza, who is the epitome of all he deems wrong with the app-addicted world.

But soon, Henry takes pity on her.

What Henry doesn’t anticipate, however, is how much he’ll learn.  As a workaholic who rarely makes time for socializing,  Henry eventually begins to realize that his little “project” just might have something to teach him. After all, keeping life at arm’s length is great for taking a selfie, but not so much if you want someone in the picture next to you.”

I’m hooked on the snappy wit and often seriously funny dialogue.

It’s so refreshing to discover a TV show that is NOT a retread of an old idea — CSI ad nauseum. Not a fan, soz.

The situational humor is for the most part believable, not clichéd nor contrived nor forced.

Might Selfie be ahead of its time?

It’s possible that some of us aren’t quite ready to hold that mirror up to ourselves and examine certain behaviors, but I’m a fan.

Selfie: As a society, we have become so connected to our technological devices that we’ve become DISconnected to human interaction and communication.

This is true.

Hey here’s me — a blogger — using several social media platforms to share my opinion about a TV show that conveys an important message in a gently mocking way.

 DO YOU GET IT?

Yeah, it’s a fairly overt reference to Pygmalion  and My Fair Lady — with the proper guidance, anyone can be a lady, only in this case, Henry is determined to teach Eliza how to interact as a human, not as a hashtag.

It’s truly a twist with a modern POV.

In fact, it happens to me IRL (in real life) on a daily basis.

  • In the line at the gym waiting for the next class to start, whether it’s Yoga, Pilates, PiYo, Boot Camp, or Shadowboxing – no one TALKS any more. NO ONE. Everyone stands there, cocooned in their own little world, and doing what? Scrolling through FB push notifications? Texting whom? About what?
  • And here on my flight to SF, sitting next to me is a woman about my age, (with a really superb specimen of a large carryon Louis Vuitton travel bag btw) head down, no eye contact, scrolling away on her smart phone
  • Across from me is another woman playing Solitaire on her phone, and next to her is a guy watching a movie.

All around me is dead silence except for the tap-tap-tap of the keyboard.

Wait, that’s me, haha. I’m isolated too, observing and writing it all down.

It’s eerily quiet. No chit chat, no verbal communication but for an occasional “excuse me” to go to the bathroom.

Selfie is a cautionary tale told with humor and insight.

I give Selfie five Louboutins out of five. LOVE it!louboutin

 

 

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“Them Beeyotches Be Cray”

“Them beeyotches be cray.”

That’s what Jeana Keough‘s daughter, Kara, said about Bravo’s Real Housewives of Orange County during the grueling two-hour test of RHOOC endurance celebrating their 100th episode.

Some of the original beeyotches

Some of the original beeyotches and their breasts.

I’ve been watching RHOOC since the beginning. I really hate myself sometimes for how much I love this real/fake/scripted show. Almost as much as I loved The Hills and Gossip Girl. (Yup, my real age is about thirteen. I admit it.) My tugboat man REEAALLLY hates it; in fact, it’s a deal breaker with us when he’s home. He REFUSES to be in the same room when it’s on — so I watch it when he’s out to sea or when he’s surfing.

I’ve seen all the different franchises; New York, Miami, Beverly Hills, New Jersey — I was totes obeshed with the original New York —  crazy Kelly and Bethany with her “satchels of gold”, but then I lost interest ‘cos it seemed like they were trying too hard for the camera and lost focus. Gia Guidice

At any rate, they lost me as a viewer. New Jersey kind of disgusts me; mostly I feel bad for all the children. My overall impression of NJ is that they all seem to be involved in some sort of criminal activity.

I don’t feel a connection to any of the cities except for OC, maybe ‘cos it’s just up the road from Casa de Enchanted Seashells.

I feel like SUCH the dirty voyeur peeking through the drapes when I watch the  drama and bad behavior. Even tho I know most of it’s not real, I’m drawn into it anyway.  When I see a row of Chanels in every color of the rainbow, I am so jel, I drool. Really. The pink Chanel. Drool.

heather-dubrow-picYa know how sometimes you meet someone and totes have the hate on for them immediately? That’s how I feel about Heather Dubrow, one of the newer cast members. OMG, I just Googled her name and it’s like Google can read minds with their predictive text. How did they know that I was thinking Heather Dubrow crazy eyes? Her eyes ARE weird; they look fully dilated ALL the time, very strange, very off-putting. Don’t get me wrong, I can throw down with the best of any mouthy Jewish girl, but she seems so mean spirited and supercilious — and she ain’t all that. I think she’d contrive to be a bit more humble – her weirdly Joker-like pointy scary face isn’t the best advertisement for her plastic surgeon hubs, if ya know what I mean. SUH-NAP…

I found these comments about her on Google, so it’s obvs I’m not alone in my opinion:

“Heather Dubrow has black zombie eyes with a face stretched like the Joker. Horrible underbite too. All that money, nosejobs, botox, etc etc and they can’t undo some genetics like her junkyard dog neanderthal underbite…”

“I think she is a plasticized, botoxed, wide-eyed frozen face horror movie doll.  This crazy needs to keep her big mouth shut.”

“She comes across as very overbearing and manic. She doesn’t look like she ever relaxes or is mellow. Almost as if she were on amphetamines. I don’t like her personality. It’s like she’s always studying others and her mind is never at ease. You get the feeling she’s never kind and gentle and has a Type A personality.”Jesus jugs

You know who I have sympathy for? Jesus Jugs, aka Alexis Bellino. I agree with her that the other beeyotches pick on her — I don’t know why she continues to allow the bullying, but everyone has their price, I guess.

I know what my price is; as much as I would love to be on a show called The Real Housewives of SoCal Tugboat Captains, I have a feeling it would be non-negotiable with Mister-Don’t-You-Ever-Tell-Anybody-My-Name-or-Post-a-Pic and that’s just for this blog. I can only imagine his response to being attached to a microphone and filmed.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Lots of divorces are the intentional or unintentional fallout for exposing your life and secrets on a reality show. I’m not sure I’d want to sacrifice mine — but you never know…the lure of those Chanels is a powerful game changer. I could film it while my tugboat man is out to sea and he’d never know, right?

Do you watch any of the Real Housewife shows? Which one(s) resonate with you?(Just another way of asking which one is YOUR dirty little pleasure?)

Hot Boy Toy Eye Candy Crushes (In Retaliation)

EMAIL

Hello? Generic? Too busy to call me, huh? I guess the honeymoon’s over. Geez.

I’ve obviously become a NON-priority to the tugboat man.

In that case, I’ll devote the remainder of this post to my hot boy toy eye candy crushes and wait for my tugboat man to remember he has a wife and call me.

Is that too much to ask? Yes, I know he isn’t just vacationing out there on the high seas and that the work he’s doing, towing a four hundred foot barge loaded with heavy equipment from here to there, might be a TAD distracting…but still, a princess expects certain things from her tugboat man. “Too busy to call?” NOT good, Captain, not good at all.

This is Day 30: These kind of ocean-going assignments have no particular end date. There’s only an approximate date by which he should be relieved by another captain. It’s not like some mariners who are on a fixed rotation of two weeks on and two weeks off. Whether he’s voyaging across the Atlantic (not fun in the winter) or over to Korea, Guam, or even Russia– or south to the Gulf of Mexico, Peru, Uruguay, Brazil, and through the Panama Canal — Africa even — I’m left twisting in the wind, eternally waiting for the return of my tugboat man.

High winds on the high seas — that’s a major cause of a slow down. A tugboat “in tow” (a maritime term) is the definition of danger. There are other factors that contribute to a delayed return like this; crewing issues, additional requests by the contracted company — but it’s all the same to me –no ride to the airport to pick up my  BFF.

Done with that rant..time to move on to something positive:

BOY TOY EYE CANDY CRUSHES

ct-ent-beck-bennett-1.jpg-20130130I gotta be honest with y’all. I don’t normally notice other men on the street or on the beach   — not in the “oh he’s so hot way” — cos really, my captain’s ALL THAT,  if you know what I mean, but I have the mostest majorest crush on the ATT guy, you know, the guy in the “It’s Not Complicated” storyline.

His name’s Beck Bennett (is that his real name?)
Click here to read all about him. He’s so funny and slightly snarky at the same time. Just my type…The ad campaign is so delightful and fresh — I wish I had thought of it.

And then there’s Gossip Girl‘s Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald and Ed Westwick, Chuck Bass. I am fully aware these two babies are younger than my son — SO WHAT!
Just look at Chace…he’s looking RIGHT AT ME. I’m so excited, I can hardly stand it!
Ed’s thinking about something I said late last night.

Ed-Westwick-Previews-GQ-Fall-Fashion-ed-westwick-6721315-944-1222chacecrawford300


I’d still crush on Johnny Depp if he still looked like this  – YUMMY

Johnny-Depp-johnny-depp-23328477-441-600

…but his bad teeth and poor dental hygiene gross me out. Floss, Johnny, FLOSS!
johnny-depp-teeth-3I used to totes luv Brad Pitt, but the way he discarded Jennifer got him crossed off my list. Plus, I heard he doesn’t bathe on a regular basis, so there’s that whole hygiene thing again… well, maybe I’d make an exception if he walked toward me looking like this, right?brad_pitt_sexyor this…brad-pitt-vs-aiswarya-rai-

My last crush is Max Greenfield — SCHMIDT! — of New Girl.
Best smile, best Jewish boy body on TV. We luvs us some Schmidt!
max greenfield

HEY TUGBOAT MAN, BETTER COME HOME SOON, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

P.S. At one time, my tugboat man looked just a little bit like this, I mean if I squinted, in the dark, with the right lighting. Yup, there’s a definite for real slight resembance of my captain about twenty-five years ago when we met.
GregNelson

THIS IS AN UPDATE: I forgot to add that I THINK I saw Chace Crawford hiking in Laguna Hills about a year ago, but I was too freaked out to say anything — ME, the big mouth!  I don’t have any confirmation it was, but I had a FEELING. I was all like…

“Hey tugboat man, don’t you think that guy with the other guy that just walked by us was that guy I LUV from Gossip Girl?” “Rosebud, I’m not looking.” “No, just look for me, ‘cos I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure.”
“There is no way I’m doing that. YOU go and ask him if you think it is.” “Well, I don’t want to be wrong and if it’s not, I’ll feel like an idiot. Make that an OLD idiot!” Anyway, I really think it was and that’s the end of THAT story. Whoever it was — he was BEAUTIFUL. Sigh.

Holla! to Pinterest

Of late, I’ve been shamefully neglectful of my Pinterest boards. I know you’re all out there, organizing and pinning and repinning and following and liking.

He's soo dreamy!

He’s soo dreamy!

I even know what you like best about my own Pinterest site (click to visit) and that would be  my NUMBER ONE pin: Ed Westwick, who so briliiantly portrayed Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl — and Owls.

Saw-whet owls

Yes, owls are a fave amongst my pinning pals! And animals in general, which makes me happy, ‘cos I’m a huge animal lover.

Pinterest now has created Group Boards that one can be invited to join and pin to, but what kind of freaks me out in a slightly squinchy way are my MALE pinners. I just don’t get the appeal for a guy. I’m not at all sexist, but the two males I asked — my tugboat man and my son —  said they would never in a zillion years have any interest in Pinterest. Sorry for all you guys that do, but in my own little world, the answer is NO WAY. All I got was a “let me see those In the Tube surfingsurfing pics” and then they walked away, shaking their heads.

Although…I got a little snarky comment under his breath from my tugboat man, something along the lines of…”must be nice to have so much time to waste on crap” but when I demanded that he repeat what he said, he changed it to, “That was a delicious dinner, my love” but don’t you worry, I heard it. Yes, it’s a waste of time. I agree. But it’s also very addictive.

Click on my Chanel board. Very aspirational, don’t you agree?

Chanel surfboards

OMG, this is an amazeballs seashell wedding cake, isn’t it?

Unique-Beach-Wedding-Cake-IdeasDoesn’t it make you want to get married all over again? Hmmm. Ya know, I’ve been thinking about planning a vow renewal for our big #20 wedding anniversary next February. Pinterest is the perfect place to organize themes and ideas.

Now if I could only PIN my tugboat man down to actually being at the same latitude/longitude as me, maybe it’ll happen!

This isn’t my mariner nor his tug, but it’s a good example of the kind of work he does. 

Tug and barge

Confessions of a Shopaholic

By way of my beautiful-as-a-movie star BFF Cowboys and Crossbones, I got tagged for Confessions of a Shopaholic which is totally and absolutely cool!

Who doesn’t know that I LOVE to shop? Anyone?

It doesn’t matter if it’s a thrift store, consignment shop, TJ Maxx, Ross Dress for Less, Target, or ChanelI love the process of shopping.

I love the colors;  I love to run my fingers through the racks and feel the texture of the fabrics. I can eyeball silk and cashmere from across the room.

Ahh yes, it’s time for another session of retail therapy.

Do you consider yourself a shopaholic?
No. Ha ha. Of course the answer is YES! I will shout it from the rooftops–I’m proud to be a shopaholic!

How would you classify your style?
Sparkles to sweat pants. It depends on what mood I’m in. For example, the launch of my little boat Princess Rosebud called for a nautical theme.Nautical attire

Cozy bedtime attire for sweet Hello Kitty dreams.

hello kitty pajamas and slippers

Or a sexy evening in vintage Valentino at home with the Captain…

vintage Valentino dress

What store can you not leave without buying something from?
I can’t leave Target without buying something. Marshalls and TJ Maxx too. Uh, and then there’s Anthropologie, and H&M. Ummm, the sale rack at Barneys. J. Crew. Geez, I guess I don’t leave many stores empty handed. Sorry, tugboat man!

Where do you find your best deals?
The Barneys outlet, sales racks everywhere, my secret consignment shop.

What designer are you willing to splurge on?
CHANEL CHANEL CHANEL. Chanel GST Black box

Can you hear the angels singing? Isn't it brills?

Can you hear the angels singing? Isn’t it brills?

Do you have a go-to shopping outfit?
It’s usually an all day event; sometimes I dress in skinny jeans and flat boots, and sometimes I dress like I came from the gym which I most likely did. As long as I have my Chanel, I’m a happy girl.

What is your guilty pleasure?
Shoes. Boots. Designer vintage. Jewelry. Diamonds. Opals. All jewelry. Everything is my guilty pleasure. That’s why I feel guilty! Seashells, too.

Via Spiga and Steve Madden (and ChaCha)
Black Boots

Lanvin and Jimmy Choo

Jimmy Choo and Lanvin

What is the one piece of clothing you can’t live without?
Besides my Chanel, I’d choose my skinny jeans from Anthropologie. Well, all of them if I’m being perfectly honest. I love all my clothes! Especially this Missoni sweater with those skinny jeans from Anthro.
missoni

Who is your style icon?
Don’t judge me, but it’s Blair from Gossip Girl and Hepburn and Erica from All My Children. I said not to judge me! Oh, and I love Stacey London.

These are my tugboat captain wife’s confessions.
Now it’s your turn.
TAG–YOU’RE IT!
These are the questions for you to copy and paste.

TheFurFiles
Rarasaur
Simply Stacia
Chewylicious
CalliesMariner 

Do you consider yourself a shopaholic?

How would you classify your style?

What store can you not leave without buying something from?

Where do you find your best deals?

What designer are you willing to splurge on?

Do you have a go-to shopping outfit?

What is your guilty pleasure?!

What is the one piece of clothing you can’t live without?

Who is your style icon?

Call me maybe

February 20, 1994weddingpicwithed

Today’s our 19th wedding anniversary!

Here’s a picture from our wedding. That’s not my tugboat man; it’s Ed Westwick, Gossip Girl‘s Chuck Bass. Handsome guy, huh? Dreamy…sigh.

Nineteen years ago –WOW– it seems like it was only yesterday.  I remember looking everywhere for a wedding gown and I found that one at a thrift store–what a treasure! It was ten dollars. I couldn’t believe my luck. It looked like it had never been worn. It was exactly what I had envisioned; romantic, lacy, old-fashioned.

My girlfriend worked for a floral warehouse and her gift to me was that magnificent bouquet and all the wedding flowers.

It was a really lovely day.

Our house landline rang at 7:00 a.m. this morning. It was the princess phonecaptain calling from his sat phone to wish me a happy anniversary!

I haven’t heard his voice since he left and it was a special treat to have a real conversation.

With all the technology we take for granted in our day-to-day lives, it’s amazing to think that there are still places that don’t have full access to incessant communication.

I’m kinda used to delayed celebrations and I know we’ll make up for it when he returns so I’m not too sad.  I’ll just keep the champs on ice a bit longer, that’s all!

I always try to put a positive spin on situations like this–to think about it as something to look forward to, not something I’m missing or deprived of. Glass half full and all that.

funny-pictures-auto-thug-life-tug-469509

A daughter-in-law dedication

My Saturday in SoCal has not been nearly as eventful as this. My son sent these pics from New Haven where he went cross country skiing in thirty-eight inches of snow. I hope everyone is OK and hasn’t lost power or anything!

This is my 200th post–what a milestone! It seems only right that I dedicate this to S, my DIL. She badgered encouraged me to blog, to share my thoughts and snarky commentary (and not bug her and my son so much??) and it was my son who set up the WP account. (I’ll save those accolades for his March birthday post-plenty of time to get your hankies washed, ironed, and perfumed–they’ll be drenched with tears. A mommy’s love is fierce, y’all. Just a warning.) 

miljokeI hope I’m not a bad MIL. I had two of the worst mothers-in-law you could imagine-three if you count my tugboat man’s evil stepmother. The first one wasn’t really that bad; she suffered from a lot of medical problems so I’ll give her a pass for that reason-but she was just a precursor, a forerunner to a doozy of a bitch. Hub’s mom; a laconic thrower of backhanded one-liners–a future post’ll share some of my most memorable experiences.

MIL noteHopefully, that’s taught me not to be SO terrible, but as mom of an only child who happens to be a son whose nickname is Angel Boy and on whom the sun rises and sets, you can bet there needs to be a bit of benevolence, compassion, understanding, and sensitivity on both sides. There’s a def learning curve.

(I’m sure she fondly remembers our house rule of “no cohabitation without documentation” before they were married.)

S has a great sense of humor and a highly developed wit–a great way to deal with a MIL! Right, S?

Although she did recommend I watch “Monster-in-Law”…do you think she was subtly trying to tell me something?

Is my DIL trying to tell me something?

Is my DIL trying to tell me something?

S is London-born with a Ph.D. in Neuroscience from Brown. She’s opened up my world to lots of cool things like Absolutely Fabulous, Gossip Girl, and Downton Abbey. She’s a girly girl in addition to all that brain power. We’ve had a lot of fun together: shopping, getting manis, and making candles. I never had a girl child so it’s been a lot of fun doing things that my mom and I did. As a family, we’ve all gone hiking and camping together–it was DIL who taught me how to “pop a squat”–a skill that’s come in handy more times than I care to mention!

I can’t share what she does-YET-but as soon as I can, you can be sure I’ll shout it to the heavens with PRIDE!

DIL earned a special title.

Isn't she totes adorbs?

Isn’t she totes adorbs?

When she calls (which she should do more often), I’m alerted by the screen telling me it’s Angel Girl.

Thank you, DIL!

“…We sail tonight for Singapore, don’t fall asleep while you’re ashore” Tom Waits

Here’s today’s Daily Prompt Challenge: Hindsight.  Now that you’ve got some blogging experience under your belt, re-write your first post.

This is MY deja vu–my first blog re-do–obviously my life is a deja vu redo Groundhog Day repeat. The captain was gone again, I was alone for a very long time…I’ve learned to use tags since then–maybe THIS time it’ll get read! 

My First Blog Post

“…We sail tonight for Singapore, don’t fall asleep while you’re ashore” Tom Waits

Day 60: Alone again! It’s 8:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening and I just completed a copy editing assignment for a brilliant young neuroscientist. Since my first pink lock and key diary at the age of eight, I’ve filled notebooks and journals with my thoughts and observations, and even minored in creative writing in college, but the hardest thing in the world for me to do is to let go of my own words. (I’m a word hoarder. Hah!)

Update: Now I’m a word spewer–since I started blogging, I can’t STOP writing!

Although I easily re-write and proof and edit the work of others (and love to do it), my own words seem to be trapped somewhere; I am never quite satisfied with the finished product; I always feel that one more re-write is always needed—just one more, and then another and another–and I am determined to overcome this obstacle by blogging about my life as a wife of a Merchant Mariner. To other MM wives, I’d love to share our experiences, problems, frustrations, and solutions. There are thousands of us around the world—let’s create a community and help one another. What do we all do when our guys are gone? In what ways do our lives change when they’re away on assignment and when they’re home? How do we cope with the work-related absence of a spouse, whether it’s due to the military, MM, or any other career that involves a lot of travelling? Are you sad? Maybe relieved sometimes, if you were to be completely honest?

Update: Still hoping to create the community of Merchant Mariner Wives. I’ve met Snipewife who’s awesome, but there has to be others! Come out and play! 

Also, from time-to-time, I will review either a product I’ve used or a book I’ve read and share my opinion. I have great things to say about Sally Hansen Smooth and Perfect nail polish. I have it in Satin 04. It claims to hide ridges and imperfections with a “breathable porcelain-smooth finish.”  The website says it’s enhanced with ginseng, camellia oil, and lotus to promote stronger, healthier nails. I was really impressed with the finished product and it really does give a professional look. I’m going to try it in other colors and will let you know. Update: it worked great, very shiny, lasts a decent amount of time, and is inexpensive.

Here’s a mini-version of my back story: I’m a (was a) stay-at-home mom; when my son left for college, I stayed home. Don’t you think that’s funny? I do. That’s my standard joke/response when I’m asked what I “do”. Some people think it’s funny, some people think I’m obnoxious. Story of my life.

I’ve been married to a Merchant Mariner tugboat captain for about eighteen years, nineteen in February 2013. For the first fourteen years or so, our life was pretty ordinary and except for a few assignments that took him away for a week or so, his schedule kept him working in local ports.  In 2009, he changed companies and became the kind of Merchant Marine who goes out to sea for extended periods of time and travels to the four corners of the globe. When I tell people that my husband is a MM, most either think he is a “Marine Marine” or they don’t know what a Merchant Mariner is or what they do. My guy is an academy graduate (he won’t let me say which one ‘cos he’s paranoid that someone will figure out who he is) and has been working in the industry since graduation.

merchant marine sealWhat exactly is a Merchant Mariner?? For those of you who don’t know, the United States has a fleet of  Merchant Marine vessels,  ships which are owned and registered in the US and fly under our flag, but are separate from the military. (We are proud supporters of American-flagged vessels.) For example, car ships carry cars (obvs!), container ships hold cargo of TVs, bananas, soda ash, or even sand and gravel.

tug barge

NOT the captain’s tug, but a good photo of a tug pushing and pulling a barge. Tugs are hard little workers. I think I can, I think I can…

The Merchant Marine supplements the military in times of war, transporting goods and equipment to areas where it is needed. The people who crew Merchant Marine vessels are known as Merchant Mariners. Perhaps you remember hearing about the Maersk Alabama, a container ship seized by pirates a few years ago? Tom Hanks stars as the captain in the soon-to-be released film of the Navy Seals’ rescue of the ship and her crew. People who work on tugboats are called Merchant Marines. My guy is a tug and tow Master, although he has decades of experience on yachts, passenger vessels, and just about every type of boat, excluding fishing. No Deadliest Catch stories here! Tugboats pull (or push) barges all over the world, assist all types of ships in and out of their berths, and work in marine construction and the oil industry. It is really more complex that than, with a rich history and great anecdotes, but I am only the wife of, and my perspective is a different one.

Update: I begged and pleaded and guilted and flattered my captain to get him to audition for the Tom Hanks pirate film–they liked his initial video audition so much the casting director even sent sides (that’s a script to those of you who are NOT in the know like I am), but he didn’t get the part. He really should have. I was totes planning to go as his personal manager to Morocco where they were filming.

Back to my story…this lifestyle has been quite an adjustment. When he’s home, he’s a 24/7 at-home husband, just like being retired, and a different routine ensues–one of compromise and diplomacy. When he’s away at sea, I become a sort of “grass widow” (a woman whose husband is away from home frequently or for a long time, as on business) and have learned to structure my time alone to stay occupied while waiting for my best friend to come home. We modern mariner wives are really no different than wives of a few hundred years ago whose husbands went out to sea. We might have email access and satellite telephones, and are able to stay in touch more frequently than the occasional letter posted from faraway ports, but we are essentially on our own for a great deal of time. We have to be completely independent and solve problems and fix broken washing machines and cars and take out the trash and mow the lawn by ourselves, unless we have kids still living at home on whom we can foist these chores.

My confession du jour? I fully rely on retail therapy to help me cope. That doesn’t mean I actually PURCHASE a lot and spend a lot of money, rather, I am an accomplished fashionista BROWSER, (which should be an Olympic sport, as far as I’m concerned.) I have endurance and I possess stamina. I’m a hunter AND a gatherer. A shot of wheatgrass and I’m good to go for hours in my quest for a treasure, a good deal, or something I just have to have, and can’t live without; the next get. You know that Shopaholic film? I’ve seen it about a dozen times; it’s like a training film for me…  A day or so after my MM leaves, I fortify myself with a protein drink, a double shot of wheatgrass, and lay out my itinerary with quasi-military precision. I first make the rounds of my local stores; TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Ross, Target, Homegoods, just like a warm-up in my boot camp class, and then move on to H&M, Anthropologie, White Market/Black House. After that, I venture further away to the Nordstrom Outlet, DSW (yes!!!), and then our local mall for BloomiesNieman Marcus, and the boutiques-Tory Burch, Hermes, and the holy grail at South Coast Plaza in the OC…Chanel…Chanel…Chanel. I want/need a Chanel 2.55, the original black quilted bag with the chain strap. I am saving for a pilgrimage to Paris to pay homage to Coco at the original location. I. can’t. wait.

Update: I just can’t do it to y’all again, I know I’m probs on your last nerve with the whole Chanel thing, but it was cool for ME to tell myself, “Hey girl, your dream DID come true! Way to go to think it, believe it, and it will happen!”

Today, I was on the hunt for another blazer; blazers are super trendy and forever a classic fashion staple,  but it has to be the right blazer in the right color and cut. I ended up at a local consignment shop and while I didn’t find the desired blazer, I discovered the treasure of a Tory Burch sweater with gorgeous logo buttons. I found a similar style for around $250, and I got it for $40. It’s in perfect condition and looks like it’s never been worn. The pic doesn’t do it justice; it’s a rich cocoa brown with TB logo buttons and totes adorbs. Update: This is the same consignment shop where I just scored the vintage Valentino.tory burch sweater

Well, it’s back to editing for me and building my Etsy store where I can sell all the ropework jewelry and beachy décor we create. I hope you’ve enjoyed this first glimpse into my world.

Update: STILL working on that Etsy store! Almost done tho, hopefully so I won’t completely miss the holiday season…

Thanks to one and all who’ve read me and followed me and commented and offered guidance and humor and friendship. The world still revolves around me, I suppose it always will…alas, that’s the cross my long suffering tugboat captain must bear…And if you’ve un-followed me, don’t forget that Santa could leave a lump of coal in your stocking, so maybe y’all need to rethink that decision. Right???

 

What would I tell my twenty-year-old self?

I’ve been inspired by all the interesting, poignant, witty, and funny entries so I decided to add my own two cents. I discovered #genfab on Twitter and would join the FB group, but I can’t figure out where it is!  This week they’re doing a blog hop on the topic “writing a letter to your 20-year-old self”. Here’s what I have to say. I’ve also included links to some other posts at the bottom of this page for your reading pleasure.

1. Hey girl! Be a mouthy bitch sooner rather than later. Stop letting everyone push you around. Develop your Napoleon complex right now; don’t wait!

2. Stay out of the sun. You don’t need to lay out at the beach and tan for six hours a day, seven days a week–from June to September. Cocoa butter and baby oil are a lethal combo. Thank goodness there’s Botox and fillers, but you can’t imagine the rest of the damage too much tanning can do. A little spot of basel cell carcinoma will be in your future along with some Moh’s surgery and a few sutures. You could have avoided that. Stop refusing the straw hat mommy gave you.  She’s a nurse. She knows.

3. Be nicer to mommy. (Yes, you and I called her mommy ’til the end.) Don’t roll your eyes at me; really. Be nice. As soon as you have your own baby, you’ll understand 99% of everything she said that you pretended not to hear. You will really miss her when she’s gone, trust me.

4. For one second and one second only, peer inside this crystal ball and see all the things you’re NOT gonna do: become a famous ballet dancer like Anna Pavlova, go to Val D’Isere to study French and ski, spend the summer in Minnesota studying the wolf population while actually living among them, move to LA to pursue a real acting career, study harder and go to med school, study harder and go to law school, marry the guy with the massive trust fund, get that boob job–and then STOP thinking about what you DON’T have and what you DIDN’T do and focus on what you DO have. That will end up being your most favorite thing to say to people–whether it’s regrets about the past or food they shouldn’t eat.

5. You are going to be the luckiest girl in the world. You are going to give birth to the most wonderful angel child that ever existed in the universe. He will be a planned for, wanted, loved, and adored boy– even before the very first moment you realized you were actually pregnant. As you will tell him on his twenty-first birthday, every breath he has taken has given you joy. You will be lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom and never miss one smile, one milestone, one MEAL. You will be the one to nurture his every interest, teach him to read and watch his world open up through books. You’ll teach him to love animals, to be kind and gentle, to care about the environment, to have a voice, to stand up for what is right no matter what. You are going to be a great mom except for those couple of times that you weren’t. We won’t discuss that. No one’s perfect.

6. When you’re a mother-in-law, you can take all some none of the credit for his choice of a brilliant, outspoken, funny, gorgeous DIL (who also happens to have very curly hair that she diligently straightens.) Now’s the time to give DIL a major shout out for kick starting my foray into blogging and social media. Thank you, S! Now go make J his dinner. Ha ha.

7. Sit down for this one. It’s painful. All My Children will end. I know, right?

8. You’re gonna marry two guys; one will become BioDad and the other will be the best stepdad in the world. Your past and present husbands will become friends and spend time together. (A really, really long future blog, maybe even a book.)

9. Now that I think of it, I’ll allow a moment of sadness to recall how you didn’t get that major role in Chekhov’s The Cherry Orchard at the Old Globe in San Diego. You are really, really going to want that, and you were really, really awesome at the audition, and not getting it will be a huge disappointment.

10. And finally, when you’re in your late, late late forties, and by that I mean fifties, you’ll still act like you’re 20, OK, I mean 16–oh all right then, 13! You’re gonna love Katy Perry, Christina Perri, Adele, Gossip Girl, Hello Kitty (don’t ask, just know that it’s in your future), anything sparkly (especially diamonds), animal print, Chanel, and have a very healthy obsession with seashells that will bring you fame and fortune as Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain’s Wife, and you’ll meet a few like-minded witty chickas– whilst writing something called a blog–

More articles in the blog hop…

The Fur Files Looking backward: What we’d tell our 20-year-old selves (After The Kids Leave) Dear 20-Year Old Me (Chloe of the Mountain) To Marci, On Your 20th Birthday (The Midlife 2nd Wife) Having a talk with my 20-year-old self (Midlife Crisis Queen) A Heart-to-Heart with 20 Year Old Me (Books is Wonderful) What Would You Tell your Twenty-Year-Old Self? (Empty House, Full Mind) Dear 20 Year Old Me (Kids Are Grown) Back to the Future (Employee to EmployMe) Callow, Clueless, and Cruising Paris (Daily Plate of Crazy) Happy Birthday, Twenty-Year-Old Me (Not a Supermom)

  • Twenty. (stephyness.wordpress.com)

The Mission, Part Two: I swear I am NOT bribing my husband to buy me a Chanel handbag, honest.

I dragged my tired, feverish, achy body out of bed to do the laundry and fulfill all my wifely duties. I filled the tub with water, brought in a few rocks from the yard…too much? Well, I did cart the heavy basket of wet clothes outside to hang up. When we’re having weather like this, it’d be a shame not to use Mother Nature’s power to dry and sanitize clothes! Don’t you think polka sheets are tres cool?

I’m being the best wife ever and not complaining, (well, not too much) about watching the World Series.  I’m surprised I even know who’s playing.

“More coffee, honey?” “How about your dressing gown, shall I bring it?” “Let me just slide your slippers on your feet.” Again, too much, huh? Well, I’ve been on the sofa watching Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver   for the part of the day that I wasn’t baking and cleaning–on my knees, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, and, OK, OK, I know when to stop.

Who Am I?

Sometimes I feel like I’m part I Love Lucy, part That Girl “Oh, Donald!” part Erica Kane from All My Children, and part Blair Waldorf minus the Upper East Side penthouse, private school education, and money.  Oh, and part Jess from New Girl.

Hmmm. If those are my female role models, I can see why people my son sometimes accuse(s) me of living in a fantasy world. OK, at least I don’t identify with Honey Boo Boo Child! In my defense, I was at one time an aspiring dramatic actor. It’s a part of me, once an actress, always an actress, with the same tools of the trade. I say that I’m a famous undiscovered actress, and I’m hopeful that it’s not too late for me. But since I never audition for anything and don’t have current pix or even an agent,  that’s probably not going to happen; I do realize that. I am not totally delusional. A certain percentage of delusional is all I’ll admit to. Math is not my strong suit.

A Halloween Party!

This is the first Halloween the captain has been home in two years. One of his academy buddies is hosting a Halloween party and we’ve been toying with the idea of dressing up, which we never do. Our choices include Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein, Captain and Tenille, the Skipper and MaryAnn, or Ginger and Fred Astaire ‘cos we love to swing dance. Right now we’re leaning toward the Frankenstein/Bride theme. I’ll take pix when we’ve made a decision.

My Former Life

I was cast as a streetwalker in a Marty Feldman film that was shot in San Diego a looonnnggg time ago; that was a good look for me, too. In fact, I was so convincing that I got propositioned for real! Good times. Hmmm. I was also cast as a Costa Rican hooker for another film, a made-for-TV movie with Jack Scalia. I had lines that time; “Te gusta, señor?” That translates to “You like, mister?” More good times. In case you were wondering, it was my curly brown locks that caused the casting agents to choose me. Def not in my personal bio. Definitely not.

Although, who knows what one’s price might be….a large Chanel might very well be my tipping point. Only kidding! Gotta hop to it and make the captain his lunch. I might as well stay in character…