BLOG WARNING: If spiders freak you out, pour your favorite adult beverage and take a sip or two before you continue. Keep refilling as needed.
Last night in the middle of the night; was it a dream or was it real?
I don’t know what sleep state I was in, but I FELT something crawly on my arm.
You know how sometimes dreams can be SO real?
Like when you have to pee but you’re not sure if it’s just a dream or for reals and your subconscious says if you don’t wake up RIGHT NOW YOU ARE GOING TO PEE THE BED and then you’ll remember next time that you should have listened?
No? Just me?
Well, this time I dragged myself out of whatever level I was in and woke all the way up and saw that I was holding my left arm with my right hand, which was pretty amazing in its own right, right?
I ever so carefully turned over and flipped on my bedside lamp with my left hand all the while holding firm with my right hand to my left arm. Get the picture?
Can we say awkward?
Slowly, ever so slowly, I cautiously spread apart my fingers — which by now had a major death grip on my left bicep.
OH HELL NO.
YUP, IT WAS A SPIDER.
IT WAS A MOTHERF***ING SPIDER.
BIG AND BLACK WITH EIGHT NASTY HAIRY BLACK LEGS.
(Thank goodness it wasn’t a black widow, but I wasn’t thinking about that at that moment.)
ALL HELL WAS BREAKING LOOSE IN MY HEAD.
A SPIDER WAS ON ME.
How did he get there?
What would have happened if I hadn’t awakened?
What if it bit me? OMG.
What do I do? What would YOU do? I didn’t know what to do.
My heart was beating so hard that I thought it was gonna pop out of my ribcage and I simultaneously started swearing and hyperventilating.
I only had two arms and two hands and they were still clenching each other and trying to contain the dinner plate-sized SPIDER from moving anywhere. (It wasn’t that big, but you know, that’s how it FELT.)
I mean, what the hell do you do in that situation?
If I took my hand away, he would continue on his merry way up my arm to who knows where, and if I smashed it ON my arm, I’d have a dead spider with spider juices all over my arm.
Quite the dilemma I was in, don’t you agree?
With my agile toes, I grabbed the tissue box that was on the floor conveniently nearby ‘cos I’d been having allergies and was sniffly.
With my right hand still virtually superglued to my left arm, all those years of ballet training came into play as I plucked a tissue from the box with the toes of my right foot and very gracefully (NOT) brought my toes and my mouth to meet, kind of contorting in a forward fold OVER my arms.
Envision a human quesadilla.
Good to know I’m still as flexible as a twenty-year-old, I noted to myself with pride…
With the tissue secured in my mouth, in the blink of an eye, I lifted my right hand, grabbed the tissue, and scooped up the probably by now brain damaged spider where I believe he’d been paralyzed in terror, ran to the bathroom, threw the spider-filled tissue in the toilet, and flushed.
Bye-bye spider. On to the afterlife for you.
Who could get back to sleep, right? I was traumatized. I grabbed my laptop, Tweeted about the incident and composed a list of things to do the next day, which always calms me down. List making is like that.
Which brings us to retail therapy.
I’m gearing up for a daylong shopping excursion to South Coast Plaza (OMM) and thought it’d be good idea to start with a little local therapy.
I mean you wouldn’t run a full marathon without first trying out a half marathon, right?
After Boot Camp, I hit all of the local spots in an impromptu training sesh – Target, Michaels, World Market, Tuesday Morning, Marshalls — flexing my shopping muscles and getting my groove back.
I was pleased not to have lost my quick reflexes; whipping out the plastic in 2.5 seconds, tying my former record.
A couple of necessities, a tray adorned with roses (how could I resist), pink push up bra, cutest ever flip-flops, not too bad, nothing spectacular, nothing major, even a couple of one dollar books from the library.
No Chanel, no Louby heels, no jewelry…baby steps, baby steps.
It felt good, though…real good — to get back in the saddle.
It really is just like riding a bicycle, you never forget.
And the retail therapy successfully helped to erase the psychological trauma of sleeping with a spider.
Next time, watch out! South Coast Plaza, here I come.
That sure is a awful way to wake up. Spiders don’t bother me but here in the Mid-west have only seen little ones. I think you did the right thing and went shopping and looks like you got some nice things. You turned a bad experience into something good 🙂
Spiders don’t normally bother me either but having one crawling on me freaked me out! Shopping helped, that’s why it’s called therapy! Now on to bigger and better things!
Good call! That should enough TP should this nightmare ever reoccur!
I might start having night terrors! How did it get under my long-sleeved shirt, I’ll never know. I’ve had spider bites before that were horrible.
Human quesadilla? LOL
I am sorry for your arachnid trauma, but it did make me laugh. Glad the retail therapy helped!
If only I could have filmed myself, I’d be a youtube sensation and go viral and get my own tv show and endorsements and a book deal…in my dreams, I guess. RT always works, I guess!
How did you remain so calm? I’d have flailed… sent the spider flying across the room and then worried about catching it and disposing of it.
Oh I didn’t remain calm, I was freaking out. I just knew that I would never have been able to sleep there again if I hadn’t “disposed” of the stranger in my bed. I’m sorry I killed it, you know, being an animal defender and all, but it wasn’t a wolf or a coyote or a mountain lion, all of which I would have preferred to share my bed with.
Spiders definitely top my list of scary things I don’t want to share my bed with.
My feelings exactly. i guess the takeaway is to always check? or be ever vigilant? or to wake up when you should?
“Endeavor to persevere!”
Sorry, couldn’t help the Josey Wales quote.
I know the reference but never saw the film. Clint Eastwood, right?
Yep, one of Eastwood’s finest.
It’s a bit of a long and winding road… but the journey is worthwhile if you ever find yourself in the mood for a classic western.
“long and winding road” — now you’re quoting Beatles’ lyrics! I am not much of a lover of violent westerns, so I doubt that’s gonna happen. Hub’d watch it and I’d be the one leaving the room haha
It’s really just a love story at its core. 😉
Yep, quoting the Beatles. Why not. Did you catch their 50th anniversary show/tribute thing on Sunday?
Yes, I also caught the original on the Sullivan show…I was 9. Do the math lol. I am OLD. I was flipping between the Beatles and Downton Abbey. Hats off to Yoko Ono for not caring who saw her rocking out. Not sure what was going on with Lennon junior tho.
I’d have been done. Just. Done. I truly admire your flexibility under pressure! And OMG, I love the shoes!!
It’s nice to know that I can dig down deep and come up with bravery under attack, right? Hub was very nice when I told him about him and of course made him feel guilty for not being there to be my hero.
I hate spiders too and here’s the thing… I swear I can hear them crawling. How creepy is that?!! BTW cute flip flops almost too cute to be flip flops. Get your shop on Girl!
Jae Mac @ I’m Just Sayin’…(Damn!)
OMG you can HEAR them? What would YOU have done in my situation?? Thanks for coming by to visit and leaving a comment. I appreciate it!
I think your subconscious put the spider there to give you an excuse to go shopping.
You are getting all up in my HEAD, El Guap! Get outta there unless you want some of the credit card bills to be diverted to your address LOL. I’m not as cray about spiders as some people are; but you have to admit that a spider crawling up your arm during sleep is a bit disconcerting! Subconscious or not.
Heebie jeebs I hate spiders. Luckilly we don’t really have many bitey big ones in the uk….except those that accidently come over in bananas. I cant even cope with tinsy money spiders! You deserved to treat yourself after that traumatic experience.xx
Thank you! It’s lovely that you understand how shopping can erase trauma! I wish we had the kind of vintage stores that you do; or maybe not, cos I’d have a million teapots and cups!
Couldn’t read post, as I adhered to your warning. I am now drunk but not freaked out by any sort of thing with eight legs, as I fear this species more than anything in the world. Thanks for the buzz, sorry I couldn’t read!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What were you drinking? You are too funny.
I was guzzling wine. Lots of wine! I HATE HATE HATE those things.
I don’t mind them, but I don’t like sharing my bed with one!!!
you’re an eagle eye, the only one who noticed that!
You mean that it wasn’t the actual spider shown in the picture? If so, I noticed because I was like WTF when I saw the spider, so I read what was below it lol
I’d be catatonic if that was the size of the spider! It looked like that but about the size of a nickel.
lol I get tons of spiders in my place, and I escort them outside. I did that the other day, but it’s Winter now, and it just froze and died instantly, so I felt badly, since I never kill them. Now I don’t know what to do when I see the next one. Mine are creepy with big fangs and they’re fast and aggressive.