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Good chat with interesting humans

Random Kindnesses

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Early this morning, I opened the back door and walked on the deck. Near the steps, I saw a motionless bee which I gently nudged with a stick and found him able to move ever so slightly. I brought him a small amount of water in a jar lid and watched as he thirstily inhaled a few drops. As soon as he had enough, he stumbled down the rest of the steps to a shady area on the ground.

I’m not sure if I helped him or simply prolonged the inevitable, but at least I did something to aid a living creature and that always feels good.

Later that morning, I went to the grocery store where I picked up some yummy cherries and cucumbers and avocados.

The woman in front of me had a lot of items and it looked like she was making a special dinner, maybe anniversary, or at least that was the little story I told myself as I patiently waited my turn.

I noticed that she didn’t have her own shopping bags and I watched the clerk take out a couple “store” bags and fill them with her food. After the food was paid for, the employee asked her for thirty cents to pay for the bags, which was really odd because usually they’ll ask before, so they can add it to the total. Right??? So my spidey senses were on alert as I observed the conversation.

The lady became flustered as she looked in her handbag because she didn’t have any cash or change. I could see that she was super embarrassed and I could totally relate. It didn’t seem as if she was unsheltered or didn’t have money; she was well dressed with great jewelry (I always notice stuff like that).

I said, “Let me check. I think I have thirty cents.” I usually don’t have ANY cash or coins either, but I did locate enough to pay for her store bags.

The poor woman was beside herself with gratitude, wanted to pay me back, couldn’t believe I would do that for a complete stranger, asked me my name, WAY overly intensely thankful and appreciative for a mere handful of coins.

I told her it was my pleasure to help and it wasn’t as if I offered to buy her food (haha) and she could pay it forward to someone else in the future and keep the good deed moving along.

Because her gratitude seemed oddly disproportionate, I thought it was possible that she had a bad day and my minor act of kindness gave her a bit of hope — who knows.

She did seem close to breaking down, poor dear. And all for THIRTY CENTS! I wonder if this was some sort of low rent scam so the employee could pocket the money, but that was most likely not the case. Anyway, it was a strange encounter and I was glad to help because it did seem that was the only way I was going to get out of the store, haha. (BTW, I had my own bags.)

Sometimes I’ll see someone do a kind but simply mundane gesture and I’ll just get filled with this unexplainable joy that someone did something nice for someone else with no strings attached; no ulterior motives, no agenda.

After that experience, I went to Sprouts because I was out of probiotics (I love probiotics). The woman in front of me in line (same scenario!) turned to me. She held out a couple pieces of candy wrapped in shiny gold foil and asked me if I wanted them. She said they were free and pointed to where she got them, somewhere else in the store.

I told her how much I LOVE free things (I really do) but asked why she didn’t want them. She explained that she had tasted another one and they were milk chocolate and she only likes dark chocolate. I said I like all variety of chocolate (except white) and gladly accepted her little gifts.

Two acts of kindness were immediately repaid by another; what a great (and sweet) day!

Featured image credit to oechsli.com

Non-Thought: Thought-terminating Clichés Are All Around  

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This blog is exactly like my personality: random…

One minute I’m searching for seashells or a rock that speaks to my heart or I’m reveling in a designer treasure found at the local consignment shop after a day protesting that orange POS and the fall of democracy, yet at the same time, on any given day, I’m a voracious reader, whether it’s chick lit or poetry or something that catches my eye on social media, all the while obsessing over Leon Russell, Master of Space and Time. There are definitely many tabs open on my laptop screen (and in my head).

Like this…thought-terminating clichés.

How many times have you heard this (or said it)? “Everything happens for a reason.” Did you find it helpful or frustrating? I find it frustrating and not helpful AT ALL. It makes me feel the person I’m talking to either doesn’t care about what I’m saying or is trying to act superior and patronizing.

For me, that attitude completely terminates the conversation. Sometimes I respond with “Does it really? Does everything REALLY happen for a reason?” but mostly I simply stop talking. There’s nowhere to go after that; for me It’s a convo-ender.

A thought-terminating cliché is a common saying or phrase used to shut down further critical thinking or debate about a topic. These phrases often present themselves as universally accepted truths or wisdom, discouraging deeper exploration or questioning. They can be used in various contexts, including conversations, debates, and even within workplaces or religious groups. 

The term was popularized by Robert Jay Lifton in his 1961 book Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, who referred to the use of the cliché, along with “loading the language”, as “the language of non-thought”.

It’s also known as a semantic stop-sign, a thought-stopper, bumper sticker logic, or cliché thinking and is a form of loaded language—often passing as folk wisdom—intended to end an argument and quell cognitive dissonance with a cliché rather than a point. Some such clichés are not inherently terminating, and only becomes so when used to intentionally dismiss, dissent, or justify fallacies.

1. “It is what it is.” Used to dismiss any deeper inquiry into a situation or problem.

2. “You’ll figure it out.” Used to avoid helping or being asked for help. Condescending.

3. “Boys will be boys.” – Used to excuse or dismiss male behavior, often inappropriate or immature.

4. “Let’s agree to disagree.” Used to end a debate without resolving the underlying disagreement.

5. “Everything happens for a reason.” Used to shut down further questioning about why something occurred.

6.””Only time will tell.” Used to avoid making a decision or judgment about a situation.

7. “Such is life.” Used to dismiss the complexities or frustrations of a situation as being typical or unavoidable.

8. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  Used to trivialize suffering or hardship without addressing its impact.

9. “God works in mysterious ways.”  Used to stop questions about religious or moral issues that are difficult to explain.

10. “It’s a free country.” Used to justify questionable actions or opinions without further discussion.

11. “You can’t win them all.” Used to discourage further effort or reflection after a failure or loss.

12. “Better safe than sorry.” Used to justify overly cautious behavior without considering the consequences of inaction.

13. “Everything in moderation.” Used to avoid discussing the nuances or dangers of certain behaviors or choices.

14. “That’s just your opinion.”  Used to dismiss someone’s perspective or argument without considering its merits.

15. “Let’s not rock the boat.” Used to discourage change or questioning of the status quo.

16. “This is the way we’ve always done it.” Used to resist change or new ideas without considering their potential benefits.

17. “Time heals all.” Completely puts a stop to any discussion that isn’t in agreement.

To transform thought-terminating clichés into conversation catalysts, we can create alternative phrases or questions that encourage further exploration and dialogue.

Here are some antidotes, each designed to open up rather than shut down conversations:

  1. Instead of “It is what it is”:  Ask, “What factors have led to this situation, and how can they be addressed?”
  2. Instead of “Boys will be boys”:  Query, “What behaviors are we accepting, and why, and how can we foster more responsible actions?”
  3. Instead of “We agree to disagree”:  Suggest, “Let’s delve into our differing viewpoints to understand each other better.”
  4. Instead of “Everything happens for a reason”:  Pose, “What can we learn from this situation, and how might it influence our future choices?”
  5. Instead of “Only time will tell”:  Consider, “What potential outcomes can we anticipate, and how can we prepare for them?”
  6. Instead of “Such is life”:  Reflect, “How does accepting this situation impact us, and are there aspects we can change or influence?”
  7. Instead of “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”:  Explore, “What challenges are we facing, and how can we grow or learn from them?”
  8. Instead of “God works in mysterious ways”:  Ask, “How can we find meaning or understanding in this situation?”
  9. Instead of “It’s a free country”:  Discuss, “How do our individual actions impact others, and where do we draw the line between freedom and responsibility?”
  10. Instead of “You can’t win them all”:  Consider, “What can we learn from this loss, and how can it inform our future efforts?”
  11. Instead of “Better safe than sorry”:  Ponder, “What are the risks and benefits of our choices, and how do we balance caution with opportunity?”
  12. Instead of “Everything in moderation”:  Question, “How do we find a healthy balance, and what does moderation look like in this context?”
  13. Instead of “That’s just your opinion”:  Offer, “I appreciate your perspective. Can you share more about how you arrived at this viewpoint?”
  14. Instead of “Let’s not rock the boat”:  Encourage, “What potential benefits and challenges could come from addressing this issue?”
  15. Instead of “This is the way we’ve always done it”:  Propose, “What new methods or ideas could we consider to improve this situation?”

Curated from desireebstephens.substack.com/p/the-power-of-silence-unpacking-thought, Wiki

A Grandma’s Mantra: “Read a book…” 📚

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Back when the original Angel Boy began to walk and talk, my default response when the “I’m bored, I have nothing to do” complaints started, has always been, “Go read a book.”

Now I do the same thing to the grandkids, especially Angel Boy 2.0 who has become a wonderful reader.

Recently we were in a baseball card shop and he was TAKING LITERALLY FOREVER to look at cards and decide which ones he wanted to buy and figure out how much of HIS money he was willing to spend and how much he could get from me. That scenario brought up happy deja vu memories of his parsimonious dad at the same age. The thrifty apple didn’t fall too far from THAT tree, haha.

I walked outside, I walked back in, I pulled on his shirt and whined, “Are you almost done? I’M SO BORED!!”

Without skipping a beat, he said, “Hey Grandma, why don’t you go read a book!”

And then he laughed and I laughed but I got the last laugh because that proved that he had really listened to me. A total win for Grandma!

I gotta confess though, I was SO BORED in that card shop, every minute seemed like an hour. Memories.

It’s really funny, because the original AB is NEVER without a book and leveraged that love of reading into a Yale PhD, writing his own book (published by a prestigious house), and tenure at a major uni, so I guess my annoying mantra helped guide his path to success.

Grandma’s Mantra:
📚 If you’re bored, read a book!
📚 If you have a minute before school starts, read a book!
📚 If you’re waiting for a doctor’s appointment, read a book!
📚 If you can’t think of anything productive to do, read a book!

Try my method; it really works!

📚

Super Bowl LIX : Nope; Not Watching, Don’t Care

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UPDATE: Haha, I know that the Philadelphia Eagles won! I didn’t watch it but I’m happy that the appearance of that orange POS caused the Chiefs to lose!

This is probably the first year since 1980 that I won’t watch the Super Bowl.

I don’t care about the commercials, especially not the ones about DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency) from Muskrat, the half-time show, nor the actual game.

The Kansas City Chief’s quarterback Mahomes is incredibly unlikeable, as is his magatrumploving wife.

Travis Kelce is OK and the Taylor Swift connection is interesting, but that’s not enough to get me excited about the game.

During the regular and post season, I believe referee favoritism and the officials’ bias made some terrible and questionable calls in favor of the Kansas City Chiefs that caused the other teams to lose.

That’s totally unfair.

Some believe it’s a full-blown NFL conspiracy to boost TV ratings with the presence of Mahomes and Taylor Swift. Others think it’s the subtle bias that allows star players to get favorable whistles.

Another benefit to NOT watching the Super Bowl is not having to listen to the nasal whinging of plastic man and maga Tom Brady — NOT a fan.

Whatever. I won’t watch, but I hope the Eagles win.

P.S. Getting back to reality, we’re fully immersed in a constitutional crisis along with the death of democracy, which I feel is more important than the distraction of a possibly rigged sporting event.

Out of Body Experience or Astral Projection?

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Whew! Something strange happened to me as I embarked on a late afternoon walk around the lagoon, about three miles or so.

As I was walking and walking, the sun began to set. I took a photo of the sky even though I know the colors resulted from a couple local brushfires.

Unedited photo by Enchanted Seashells

As I walked up the hill, I guess my mind wandered; at least I think it did. I’m actually not really sure what happened.

At some point I realized that I had lost a chunk of time.

In one way, it seemed like time stood still, and in another way, it seemed as if I had been walking for HOURS, and yet I felt like I wasn’t even really in my own body, or even in my own specific reality.

I was somewhere else, or more accurately, I had BEEN somewhere else; again I’m not sure where.

When I came back from that nowhere land, it’s not that I became dizzy or lightheaded, but I definitely felt a sensation of a jolt back to my physical body when I looked around and realized that I was still walking but I’m not sure how I got to where I was — which probably makes no sense at all.

I said out loud to myself, “Well, that was really strange. Where did I go?“

Where was I? Did I enter a portal to a different dimension? Did I unintentionally astrally project somewhere? A different time and space? I can’t rule out dissociation, but there had been no Immediate preceding traumatic event. I was simply walking.

Was it astral projection? A meditative experience? Did I really enter a portal?

I can’t remember that ever happening before. It wasn’t unpleasant, but I didn’t learn any earthshattering truths about the universe or receive any profound messages from beyond.

If it was a gateway to different spiritual planes or realities, I guess I prematurely returned HERE too soon to retrieve any memories.

Maybe I entered Leon Russell’s “…place where there’s no space or time…”

Have you ever had a similar experience?

Bathroom Banter

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Recently, I was in a public restroom that had several stalls on either side of a long aisle.

It was crowded with lots of flushing and doors opening to welcome another visitor.

There was an obviously broken toilet on the right side with a large black plastic bag covering it, but women kept peering in before they realized it was not usable. If it were me, I’d have an “Out Of Order” sign on the door and taped it shut…oh well.

I was next up in the (not-very-long) line when a young woman, maybe in her early twenties, swooped in with a flourish of her long trendy coat, high heels, and designer handbag — way WAY overdressed for the setting of a public lavatory. I could smell the entitlement wafting off of her.

Impatiently, and with a pompously demeaning tone in her voice, she turned to me and asked, “Is there a line?”

First of all, I wondered why she chose to address ME…did I look like I was in charge of the line? I was just standing there, minding my own business.

(Let me back up a wee bit and explain my response–I was tired, recovering from a horrible upper respiratory infection– not Covid–and her “I’m definitely more important than anyone else” attitude simply rubbed me the wrong way.)

I repeated her question slowly, “Is there a line? — looked around and responded, “No, obviously I’m just standing here so I can meditate for a minute before I urinate.”

I then pointed to the stall door (the broken toilet) that was ajar and said, “There’s an opening. Go for it.”

And then I confess that I laughed to myself as she flounced in, only to immediately discover that the toilet was out of order and she had to back out on her precariously high heels. (Heehee)

Admittedly, this wasn’t indicative of my very best self, but it was so satisfying to put that haughty and pretentious little girl in her place, to maybe take her down a notch or two as she assumed her rightful place at the end of the line.

No cuts! Wait your turn!

And namaste…

P.S. Lest anyone think I am always this snarky- whenever there’s a child or someone pregnant, the unwritten bathroom code is to allow them to go first, but that was NOT the case here.

Your Little Boy

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“Do you know what YOUR LITTLE BOY did?”

“Grandma, I need to tell you about YOUR LITTLE BOY!”

It never fails to make me laugh when I hear both Angels refer to their dad that way.

It started a long time ago when I explained to them that not only was I their grandma, but that their dad was my little boy and he’ll ALWAYS be my little boy.

Ever since, and especially when they have some juicy gossip OR a complaint, he’s referred to as “your little boy”.

When he rode his skateboard sans helmet which is absolutely DUMB, Angel Boy 2.0 would call me and tattle on him. When he fell off his surfboard, I was told about it. When he ran through a red light, yup, I had a phone call.

“Grandma, you will not BELIEVE what your little boy did!”

They extract a great deal of enjoyment when I scold their dad about his small crimes and misdemeanors; I’m a constant source of entertainment: “DAD, GRANDMA WANTS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR!”

Mom isn’t exempt either, but MY little boy bears the brunt of the scandalous chat.

This time was a bit different. AB is now in third grade and his sister will start kindergarten at the same school. Usually Dad walked him as it’s only a couple blocks away and Mom stayed with the baby, now not a baby. (This is a cool deja vu moment for both Dad and me, because HIS elementary school was also in walking distance, and it was a great time to chat and walk there every day.)

I got the phone call….“Do you know what your little boy is going to do when school starts?“

I literally had no idea.

“Because I like to get to school early – Grandma, you know I don’t like to be late — and you know how Dad and I race there every day and sometimes I win –and C can’t EVER wake up, YOUR LITTLE BOY is going to run me to school first, come home, and then bring C. Isn’t that funny?”

“Well, T, why don’t you just wait until your sister is ready and Dad will only have to make one trip?”

“OMG Grandma, you KNOW that won’t work! We have to leave at exactly the right time.”

The backstory is that Angel Boy 2.0 has always been an early riser like Dad (and me), but his sister could sleep all night and most of the day. Sometimes, we still check on her to make sure she’s breathing, but boyohboy can that girl SLEEP.

Her pre-school started at 9:15 and it was often a struggle to get her there on time. Kindergarten starts at 7:55 a.m. so she’s going to have to go to bed extra early to train for a new sleep schedule. There will no longer be an option to let her skip a day or two or come in a couple hours late.

The best part of this story is how much Angel Boy loves school. He can’t wait to get there and always wants to stay after to play with friends.

His dad loved to learn, too, and still does.

It’s markedly different than my experience, that’s for sure. I didn’t like school and couldn’t wait to get home. The only happy part of it for me was the night before when I chose whatever pretty dress I would wear the next day. There were always matching socks and ribbons for my hair.

Being a fashionista is a life long pursuit and I can’t wait to see what the kids wear for their first day.

MY LITTLE BOY had his own sense of style…

The original Angel Boy with Stella Rondo

Hearts and Sons

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My son is the classic dictionary definition of an absent minded professor (which he is). His beautiful brain has multiple trains of thought all speeding along at the same time, so sometimes, day-to-day mundane tasks fall by the wayside.

It was early morning and he had returned from a dawn patrol surf sesh. We were having a lively “discussion” about where to put his surfboard…”Mom, Mom, I’m going to leave it right here, don’t worry. I’m going to surf later, too.”

Whenever he says “don’t worry”, there’s an eighty to one hundred percent chance that it’s something I SHOULD worry about. I learned that after forty-three years of being his mom.

I told him I’d prefer it if he took the extra few minutes to put it away in the garage where it belongs.

This discussion took place as we’re standing in the driveway. It could have been today or a couple decades ago; some things never change!

We were at an impasse. Hands on my hips, I stubbornly stuck to my position that the surfboard needed to go back where it belongs or I would end up trying to lift up a longboard that’s twice my size. Something would break; either the board or me.

Finally, I said, “Look how much time you’re wasting. If you had simply put it up instead of trying to convince me to allow you to leave the surfboard in the way, you’d already be in the house eating your breakfast burrito!”

Well, that’s the kind of logic that works with him. He finally put his board away. Like I told him his entire life, he should take his arguing and debating skills and become a lawyer like his grandfather.

As we wrapped up a twenty minute negotiation, I looked down and found this perfectly formed heart leaf. I took a picture, picked it up, brought it in the house, and I’m looking for a suitable frame while my (annoying) child inhales his breakfast.

It’s all about love. It always has been, and always will be. That child IS my heart, whether he’s being annoying or not.

Everything Breaks

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Why am I breaking things?

In the last few days, I broke three coffee mugs. Tragically, one of them was my all time favorite wolf mug that I’ve had since the 1970s..and that really upset me. It was a perfectly shaped mug, not too heavy, with a comfortable handle and the ideal curved sipping edge, not too thick or thin. It had survived several moves and was one I used practically every day.

It’s not like I don’t break things from time to time, (including bones), but three in a row got my spidey senses tingling. Does it mean anything special? Is it a message from the universe? Have I been careless?

I had to investigate…but exactly how do we interpret our broken things? I could see an easy connection with a broken mirror, but three coffee mugs? It’s not clear to me, but I know there’s meaning in there somewhere.

  • Frequently dropping and breaking fragile items can be a sign that the universe is reaching out to you with an important message that you need to hear.
  • Breaking glass is considered a symbol of transformation and change. 
  • The shattering of a dish, cup, or other fragile item is a moment we can’t control. We are powerless as soon as it leaves our hands; how it falls, the type of material it’s made of, and what it fell on — there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.
  • Frequent dropping of things can be an indication that we need to learn how to let go of control.
  • Sometimes, things break as signs or symbols sent by the universe or our spiritual guides. These broken objects can represent the need for change or transformation in our lives. It could be an indication that something in our current path is no longer serving us and needs to be released or replaced.
  • Release it, set it free, so now there’s room for something else.

I’m not sure if that’s accurate OR is the answer that I’ve simply been especially careless and absentminded.

  • The next time something breaks, or if you’re holding onto broken things around your home right now, ask: what message do you have for me? Trust your knowing and what comes up. 
  • Thank the broken item for all its support and express gratitude for the joy it brought.

Sometimes I repair broken things to recycle as a planter, but these are too damaged. A little glue won’t be able to fix what’s wrong, and that makes me sad, because I have always felt that most things can be mended if you try.

Here’s a pic of two of the three mugs broken in succession. The third one was completely shattered so I immediately tossed it because there were sharp little shards everywhere and none of the pieces fit back together.

Eleven Ways to Speak Kindly to Children | Positive Parenting

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I think we all need a gentle reminder to speak kindly to our beautiful little ones. These positive and nurturing messages should be repeated over and over again.

A great idea is to print this graphic and post it on the refrigerator. Turn it into a conversation where other encouraging messages can be added to the list to foster self-compassion and self-love.