The Same Day I Saw a Bald Eagle and a Raccoon

fullsizeoutput_e33The eagle was sitting on that branch waiting for everyone to stop pointing at him so he could swoop down and take a better look at a huge dead fish that washed up on the shoreline.

My neck hurt because I couldn’t believe that I was actually in the presence of an eagle, my very first ever sighting, and I wouldn’t look away until he was gone.

Now I can cross that off my mental list….I’ve seen wolves and mountain lions and bears and of course, my favorite: coyotes.

Not all at the same time, but these are the special pearls in my necklace of life experiences, memories strung together since most of them happened so fast and were such brief encounters that I didn’t have time to take photos.

I wish I had brought my big lens in addition to my iPhone, but it’s good enough as it captured the special moment.

These are admittedly crappy photos, but it’s most definitely a Bald Eagle. I know they’re considered a nuisance in parts of Alaska, but this wasn’t a common occurrence at this location. I didn’t even try to look for an eagle feather because I’m aware that under the current language of the Eagle Feather Law, “unauthorized persons found with an eagle or its parts in their possession can be fined up to $250,000.”

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“There’s a raccoon. Look at that!”

I thought he was joking because it was the middle of the day and we were on a sandy beach so I continued to keep my head down to look for seashells.

“LOOK!”

When I finally looked up, there he was.

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He scampered up the bluff and was gone.

What an amazing day! An eagle and a raccoon.

Random.

A sign and a warning?

Do you believe in signs and messages from the Universe or spirit guides or your own inner voice?

If I’m completely honest, I’d have to say I’m a pretty skeptical Taurus; I often prefer scientific proof or proof beyond a reasonable doubt (to quote my attorney dad) in order to make decisions.

But strange things have been happening. My mom visits me in my dreams with verbal and written messages.

And this…

I was digging up the part of my garden where there once was a half pipe skate ramp my son and his friends built when he was in high school.

It’s a major physically challenging project, and before I took a well deserved break, I decided to dig a hole in the area I planned to move a smallish jacaranda tree.

I hit something hard and was hoping it was a big rock ‘cos for me that’s like finding gold– but it was slippery and flat. I dug and dug and part of it broke; didn’t feel rock-like, so I was curious and couldn’t stop until I dug all the way around it and pulled the pieces out of the ground.

DANGER. Hmm. DANGER. 

Quite literally a SIGN.

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Yes, a sign for sure, but what does it MEAN????

Is it a coincidence or is it a forewarning, a message, a signal?

Should I be on high alert for something?

If so, now what am I supposed to do, get a crystal ball?

What or whom or where is the danger?

It made me think of Lost in Space. “Danger, Will Robinson!”

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With tonight’s waxing gibbous moon, Jupiter, and Saturn all in alignment, it’s a time for intense magical energy and manifestation so I’m gonna heed the message and stay close to home and dwell in my safety zone.

Y’all take care.

 

What’s in a name?

Romeo and Juliet
Spoken by Juliet, Act 2 Scene 2

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Do you like your name, the name you were given–the name on your birth certificate?

I don’t like my name.

For as long as I can remember, every single time I hear someone call me by my name, my very first thought is “that’s not my name”.

Is that weird? Am I weird?

For a nanosecond, I have to remind myself that it’s ME they’re referring to, because not only do I not like my name, I really feel that it’s not actually my name.

“Oh, you’re talking to ME?”

I don’t know what it is, but it’s not the one that’s on my birth certificate.

I remember telling my mom that I didn’t like my name and that I was also curious why my brother had a middle name but I didn’t, and she told me to choose my own middle name and it wouldn’t be legal nor official, but it would be something special just for me.

So I named myself Aurora, because that’s who I identify with. Aurora means dawn, but I chose it because of Sleeping Beauty. Princess Aurora (also known as Briar Rose) is the daughter of King Stefan and Queen Leah. On the day of her christening, Aurora was cursed to die by the evil fairy Maleficent. We all know she’s awakened by the prince’s kiss of true love. My mom read me that story so many times, i memorized it. What she failed to impress upon me was that it was just a fantasy, not real life.

Only one person has ever known that’s my secret name.

Some call me Rose or Rosebud, even Angel Boy refers to me as Princess (which is pretty funny when he does it in public, haha), but none of those are my given name, either.

When I meet new people or I’m introduced and asked what I like to be called, half the time I don’t have an answer or I say it doesn’t matter or I’ve even asked what do they think my name should be? What do I look like?

Additionally, no one can spell my real name right and that’s part of the problem, I think. I’ve spent my entire life correcting the spelling which only contributes to my possibly delusional introspection that I’m a mistake–an aberration; a typographical error.

Maybe I don’t really exist. Maybe I’m a character in a fairy tale minus the fairytale ending.

Being and nothingness. Maybe Sartre had it all figured out–this little existential crisis of mine isn’t even original. (Or NON-existential, in my case.) This existentialist philosophy is a study of the consciousness of being. Or not being, which is tiring my non-existent brain.

Except the one name I always respond to with a smile in my heart is “Grandma”.

Or “Mom”.

Because that’s who I am.

Always. Always. Always.

“Is that a keeper?” More chat with the brilliant Angel Boy 2.0.

My little guy and I LOVE LOVE to search for rocks and seashells and feathers and other treasures.

It doesn’t matter if we’re walking in the neighborhood or at the beach or in the mountains, we make time to search for Mother Nature’s precious gifts.

Holding a rock in his little (but almost as big as mine) hand, he says, “Is this a keeper, Grandma?”

I take a look, think for a minute, and reply, “No, not that one. It’s not asking me to come home. Let’s leave it for someone else to find and bring to their house.”

“How about THIS one, Grandma?”

“Oh YES, T! That’s exactly the kind I love. It’s perfect.”

“OK, you bring it home with you and I’ll see it when we come to your house.”

“Why do you love rocks so much?”

“Great question, T. I love them because they make me happy and I like to collect pretty things. Why do YOU like rocks?”

“They make ME happy, too, Grandma!”

“OK. Think about this. You like it when you get presents in the mail, right? Well, this is getting presents too, but they don’t cost money and we get to have so much fun finding them together, so when we’re not together, we can remember what fun we had.”

“Hey, T, is this the kind that you like?”

I’m holding a pure white oval rock.

“Oh yes! Do you want it, Grandma?”

“That’s very kind of you to think about me, T, but this one is for you. Let’s look for more.”

At this point, all my pockets are full and weighted down by rocks and seashells, and my backpack has no more room, either.

“T, look at me, I’m all loaded down! Let’s leave some to find next time, OK?”

“Grandma, we love rocks so much, don’t we? I put the special ones in the little box you sent me. Where do you keep yours?”

“My special favorites are on the windowsill in my bedroom, so I can see them every day and think about you.”

“Can you take a picture of them and send it to me?”

“I sure will, little buddy.”

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Wild Flowery Photos

From time to time, I purge old photos from my phone and these wildflowers were too pretty to dispose of, plus they reminded me of a really fun camping trip to the Pacific Northwest with my Angel Boys.

Wildflowers at Hurricane Ridge, Olympic Mountains, Washington. Taken with an iPhone.

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BEST Vegan Banana-Apple Bread

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On a lighter note from yesterday’s post about how a previously undetected congenital defect caused me to almost lose my precious boy…

It’s been a while since I posted a recipe and even longer since I actually baked (unless it was for the Angel Boys), so this is a milestone.

I was invited to a neighborhood socially distanced party and thought I’d bake something to promote the vegan life.

Since I REALLY hate it when you search for a recipe and have to scroll down about five miles of blah, blah, blah to get to the actual ingredients and directions just to hold you hostage, I won’t do that to you. You’re welcome.

It’s my own creation, my own experiment, and I hope you enjoy it as much as my friends did! It always amazes non-vegans that desserts don’t need eggs or dairy to taste delicious.

BEST Banana-Apple Bread (Vegan)

2 ripe bananas
1 apple
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup dark brown sugar (you could substitute any kind of sugar. If you sub agave, add a bit more flour)
1 tsp. vanilla
2 tsp. cinnamon (we like a lot)
1 tsp. baking soda
pinch sea salt
2 cups flour (I used whole wheat; you can use white or any combo)

Core and cut apple into chunks. Put oil and apples into a Bullet or a blender to make a slurry. You can also grate the apple but I find this way works great.

Empty into a mixing bowl where you’ve already mashed the two bananas. Add vanilla and sugar. Mix well. Add cinnamon, flour, salt, and baking soda. Mix to combine but don’t overmix. Stir just until all the flour is incorporated. If the batter seems a bit dry, add a couple tablespoons of plant-based milk.
**This is where you can get creative and add things like raisins, nuts, coconut, other dried fruits.

Spray oil into a loaf pan and spoon in batter. Sometimes I sprinkle a little cinnamon sugar on top prior to baking or I ice it after with a simple glaze of powdered sugar and lemon or orange juice. This time I sprinkled.

Bake at 350 degree preheated oven for about 30 minutes until toothpick comes out clean. Don’t overbake. These breads should be super moist.

That Dreaded Call at 3:00 A.M.

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2020 Update:
I’m going to re-post an old one from 2014 because I just saw this meme that triggered a memory. There have been many other moments like this, but the one that came first to my mind was at the hospital where we waited hours for the surgeon to walk off the elevator and tell us what the hell happened to my baby boy, and IF he was going to survive. Or not. I was strong, I was calm, I didn’t cry at all in front of anyone, but at one point, I remember going to the bathroom to cry a bit in private so I wouldn’t scare DIL, and I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that if I cried, he died, so STOP IT and I forced myself to only think positive thoughts about the outcome. I’m not one that likes the anxiety of a cliffhanger, so I’ll tell you that he DID survive AND thrive, and that’s why we now have Angel Boy 2.0 and Angel Girl 2.0. But on that day and for two months after that, every day might have been his last, and I’m grateful for his every breath. If you know me IRL, you’ll know that is a very true statement.


May 2014

free_wallpaper_of_baby_a_cute_baby_holding_a_teddy_bearThey are always our babies, no matter their age, ya know?

Right now, things have calmed down a bit. Fingers crossed, we’ve avoided a crisis of nightmare proportions…

 

…Monday 3:00 a.m., the incessant ringing of my cell jolts me awake.

I can’t find the damn phone and it stops ringing only to start again.

This time I found it buried under a pile of clean laundry.

When I saw my daughter-in-law’s name on the screen, I almost didn’t want to answer it.

Nothing good comes from a phone call at 3:00 a.m.

Nothing.

And not this time, either.

With a bad connection and dropped words, trying to hear/not wanting to hear, she told me that my son, Angel Boy, was taken to an ER in Rhode Island because of excruciating stomach pains and vomiting.

“What?” That’s all I could say. She had to repeat herself a few times and talk slowly. I wasn’t comprehending.

The pain was worsening and his belly had become distended and was filling with fluid.

The first thing you think of is appendicitis or even a burst appendix, but the tests were inconclusive.

There were other diagnoses floating around but none of the tests pointed to a specific diagnosis: gastritis, diverticulitis, colitis…

The pain was overwhelming and not responsive to morphine.

There seemed to be no other alternative than to admit him and prepare for more invasive testing.

A surgical team was hastily thrown together as exploratory surgery seemed to be the only option.

We’re in California. I’s 3:00 a.m. What do we do?

The Universe was in alignment and we were able to get the last seats on a direct flight out first thing in the morning and we arrived at the hospital in time to discuss Angel Boy’s medical condition.

Whatever it was, was serious, and needed immediate intervention.

Or. Or I won’t say, but you get the picture. OR is NOT good.

Because his belly was continuing to distend as it filled with fluid and the pain was increasing, there seemed no alternative than a laparascopy with a camera.

The head surgeon speculated about what he might find: a possible bowel obstruction AND something with his appendix.

We gave him the go ahead to fix what he saw, no matter what he found.

We all kissed him goodbye as the first pre-op drugs entered his body and the surgery commenced at 8:00 p.m.

At 10:30 the surgeon came out with a smile.

Apparently, my son had a congenital defect we were never aware of — because up until then it had never caused a problem.

An abnormal sac or pouch that develops at a weak point in the intestines is known as a diverticulum. In some instances, people are born with a diverticulum in their intestines. This condition is called Meckel’s diverticulum.

Meckel’s diverticulum develops between the 5th and 7th weeks of fetal growth.

Because the condition is present at birth, it is classified as a congenital health issue. Although it generally remains silent, life threatening complications may arise.

And they did.

It was a perfect storm of a worst case scenario.

He had a massive bowel obstruction; intestines were strangulated and all knotted up. By the time the surgery started, two feet (24 inches!!!) of intestine had lost blood supply and died, all within a time span of twelve hours. The surgeon removed the necrotic part, did a resection, including eight inches of colon and removal of his appendix.

Without this life-saving surgery, there is no doubt that this Mother’s Day would not have been. It’s anticipated that he’ll have a rapid recovery — he’s already walking around around due in large part to his overall good health and fitness level.

Now, as soon as he’s released and we can fly him back to SoCal, my Mother’s Day will be spent caring for my Angel Boy and nursing him back to health.

His future is as bright as it ever was; this was just a brief course change in a life full of joy and adventure.

P.S. The surgical team at Rhode Island Hospital were/are AMAZING. We lucked out with a guy who clearly enjoys what he does, who knew his way around this type of surgery, and explained it all to us with intelligence and humor.

 

 

Was it a lucid dream or a visit from beyond?

I don’t know if it’s caused by all the current planetary behavior (as above, so below) but lately my dreams have been excruciatingly real and detailed. Some of them are so vivid that I’m able to retain enough of them to journal before they disappear like a mirage in a puff of ephemeral smoke.

Anyway…

THIS particular dream went beyond the limits of what my brain can comprehend. (If goose bumps and hair standing up on your arms is any indication)

I was exhausted but satisfied by the completion of a tough garden project, replanting a flowerbed from where I had moved about 150 pounds of white rocks. What once was a cool mini desertscape had devolved into a tangled mess of climbing aloe and not very happy succulents and cacti. I removed them all, raked up the truckload of small white rocks that were all dirty and sad looking, and planted Bird of Paradise and Clivia I dug up from another part of the garden. Both have orange-y flowers and will look so pretty against the house.

The next day was going to be full of stress and anxiety because oral surgery was scheduled and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. Thinking about the impending pain triggered all kinds of panicky ruminations.

I must have fallen asleep when I felt Bandit, my cat, jump on me, landing hard like she would do to wake me up (she was the real princess around here), and she curled up next to my stomach just like she always did, and I actually put my hand out to pet her and that’s when I freaked out and woke up.

Bandit spent her nights sleeping with me; most often would end up under the covers near my feet.

Nothing too strange about that, right? That’s what cats do.

Only…

OMG. The fact of the matter is that this is 2020 and Bandit went over the Rainbow Bridge in 2010 from complications due to chronic renal failure.

Bandit has been dead for ten years. She was thirteen-years-old when she died.

IT WAS SO REAL.

I looked at the clock. It was 3:00 a.m. I was now completely awake; my heart was racing. I never could get back to sleep. I still felt the warmth of her body, the silky feel of her fur tickling my arm. I felt her presence and it was REAL. I miss that little girl so much. I really really need her love and her comfort. She asked me a question that I had no answer for, and all I could say was, “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” 

Was I in a lucid dream state or did Bandit really and truly visit me from beyond?

What I do know is that I was so stressed when I was at the surgeon’s office today,  I  hyperventilated and my blood pressure was too high, so I started to visualize my beloved Bandit and it brought down my BP almost immediately. She was able to offer comfort even though she’s no longer physically on this earth. Her love for me transcended everything that my logical mind has a hard time comprehending.

Have you ever experienced a dream like that?


Lucid dreaming is when you’re conscious during a dream. This typically happens during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, the dream-stage of sleep. During a lucid dream, you’re aware of your consciousness.

My darling Bandit.

Crazy Tree #WordlessWednesday

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What Is Unalome?

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I don’t have any tattoos; it’s not really my thing, but if I ever did get one, it might this design.

In the Buddhist culture, the unalome symbol represents the path to enlightenment. The spirals are meant to symbolize the twists and turns in life and the straight lines represent the moment one reaches enlightenment or peace and harmony. The dots at the end of the symbol represent death.

Unalomes have been depicted for thousands of years in Buddhist art (the stone spires outside of the temple Wat Bang Phra), but the place that they’re most commonly seen today is as skin art. I read some people think it’s disrespectful or an act of cultural appropriation to replicate this design, so that’s something to consider.

I’ve edited this post because I forgot something! Although I was/am a drone mom (more intense than a helicopter mom lol), when my son was in high school, he apparently was able to elude me for a couple hours and came home with a crude, homemade tattoo. Notwithstanding the fact that he was a 4.8 student, he didn’t think he might be a candidate for blood poisoning (silly boy) and I was SO angry with him. That was pretty much his only rebellious episode, so he didn’t get in too much trouble. His tattoo? “SK8”, because he was a skateboarder, and it was right where you could see it every day, exactly where a watch would be. For years, I teased him with “What time is it?” And he’d take a look at his wrist and respond, “Time to skate.”

When it was time to be a grown adult, get his PhD and have a real job, he got tired of wearing long sleeved shirts and had it lasered off. It took twenty years, but he finally admitted it was not his finest decision.

If you have a tattoo, what is it?