Category Archives: Humor

Virtue Signaling

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Virtue signaling: a public expression of opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one’s good character or social conscience or the moral correctness of one’s position on a particular issue.

Take note of how often virtue signaling consists of saying one “hates” things.

It’s another way to convey that someone feels superior to another.

I recently experienced being victimized by virtue signaling, which I feel is REALLY annoying.

Here’s the story:

I attended an event and a couple of women and I were chatting well after it was over. We decided to get together the following week for coffee/tea and continue the conversation since it seemed as if we had common interests.

When we met, we started talking about all the usual things: our personal histories, our children, education, and what we like to do for fun.

When it was my turn to share, I mentioned how much I love to shop. For me, shopping is truly therapeutic. I don’t necessarily mean I have to spend money to reap the benefits; I enjoy looking at pretty things whether it’s for me, for someone else, or finding special presents for the Angel Kids.

And it’s the truth. While I love to garden and bake (for the kids) and a (sometime) community activist, going to stores brings joy.

Well…my innocent confession set off a chain of negative comments…”I hate shopping.” “I never shop if I can help it.” “Shopping is a waste of time.” “I wear my clothes until they’re worn out like rags.”

Virtue signaling 101.

“Shopping is buying into the patriarchy.” OKAY, they didn’t actually go that far, but the spewing of hatred for my pastime wasn’t very nice at all. I felt personally attacked.

What I detected by those comments was their close-minded conspicuous, self-righteous, lofty, superior moral viewpoint with the intent of communicating their BETTER-than-me attitude.

The subtext was that I was a frivolous naive one-dimensional superficial fairy-like creature who doesn’t dwell nearly enough on the somber, grim, seriousness of life. Like they do.

To look down on someone with disdain and contempt for sharing what they do as a leisure activity or distraction is judgmental and close-minded.

I didn’t ridicule THEM for NOT liking retail therapy, although the snarky side of me privately thought that they could both benefit from some (teehee).

I have found this experience to be something I’ve endured several times in my life, and recently. It’s like a moral badge of righteousness for some women to declare how much they hate shopping. “I don’t shop.” “I don’t care what I wear.”

Well, I DO. I love treasures and bargains as much as l love to look at Gucci handbags and Chanel jewelry, not with envy and longing, but with appreciation for the beauty of the craft.

The lesson I learned that day was that I didn’t really have anything in common with mean-spirited people, so they won’t be my new BFFs and I won’t be joining them again for coffee. That wasn’t the only personality difference, though. They had detached parenting styles while mine is more drone-like and very much attached. Their own parents weren’t like mine; they both had complicated and angry issues with their mothers and lots of complaints. I couldn’t relate as mine has been dead for a long time but I miss her every day.

Rant over. I’m going shopping now.

Day Moon Portfolio

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I think today is a day I should try to not further agitate the cosmos and the gods.

I had an appointment for yearly lab work so I fasted from about 7pm last night with ZERO coffee this morning. I don’t mind not eating, but I NEED coffee to start my day.

I arrived at the office on time only to discover that I had misread the doctor’s orders and needed the labwork completed NEXT week, not today.

Not today. My coffee-deprived brain had a difficult time comprehending, as I don’t usually make dumb mistakes like that, but when the technician explained it to me, I realize it was entirely my fault which wasn’t a big deal, but sometimes the little screw-ups hit different, you know what I mean?

It tilted my reality for a minute or two until I regained my mental equilibrium. I drove all the way back home, inhaled some French roast, and looked outside to discover the most beautiful day moon staring back at me, possibly to let me know that it was confused, too,

I love day moons because they make absolutely no sense to me, but I’m over the moon (haha) with these photos because I was unable to see the full moon a couple days ago due to overcast skies at night.

Day moons are cool.

October Fevers and Aussie Binges

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“Whence October is upon us, There shall be magic in the air, why it shall be everywhere. All ye leaves shall fall as Autumn does call. And as the faery folk are now gathering up and foraging, tonight I shall be leaving them a wee offering. Why, I shall leave them a few freshly hand picked Bramble berries & a wee tipple of Whiskey, Oh why how merry they shall surely be.” –Athey Thompson

First I’m hot and then I’m freezing. I confess that I’m having a hard time locating the magic in October. Not yet.

Because I wasn’t very smart last year and didn’t get a pneumonia vaccination, I ended up really sick with the most horrible case of double (bi-lateral) pneumonia, so bad that but for the fact that I’m incredibly stubborn, I would have been hospitalized,

THIS time I got the vaccination, reluctantly, because I always endure side effects for about thirty-six hours: headache, chills, fever. Most people only experience a sore arm but my immune system likes to give me a more ambitious taste of reality.

That’s why I’m now wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa, drinking ginger tea and binge-watching my new obsession, Blue Heelers, an Australian TV show from the 90s about the daily lives of Victorian police officers working at a police station in the fictional small town of Mount Thomas.

I think I’ve pretty much exhausted all the available British shows, so I had to search in a completely different hemisphere. Yes, it’s outdated with the gigantic brick-like cell phones, floppy disks, and scrunchies, but I’m learning a lot of new words like “mozzy” for mosquito, “esky” for Eskimo cooler, “slab” for six-pack of beer, “good on ya” and “you beauty“. I had to look up “it’s my shout, mate” to learn it means whoever said it will pay for the next round of drinks.

Previously my DIL and I loved A Place To Call Home, Rake, The Newsreader, The Doctor Blake Mysteries, and of course, Bluey.

I’m bracing for more vaccinations next week because it’s better to have a robustly active immune than the alternative. The first Covid vaccine sent me immediately to urgent care with an allergic reaction (read about that here) but the rest of them have been well tolerated except for the thirty-six hours of subsequent hell.

Anyway, happy October and stay healthy!

Blink! Is it Magic? 🪄

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At one point, Angel Boy 2.0 would often ask me to do something for him; for example, he’d ask me to reach something or make him breakfast or a snack or to play MagnaTiles, anything really, and he would become incredibly impatient if it didn’t happen RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

As an impatient type myself who wants everything RIGHT NOW, I totally understood.

Instead of getting angry or telling him to wait, I started to say, “BLINK.”

It was enough of a distraction the first time I said it that he stopped and said “WHAT?”

I repeated myself, “Blink.” I mean do it, really BLINK YOUR EYES, OK?”

He blinked and looked at me.

I said, “Did anything happen? Am I magic? Do I possess magical abilities?”

He slowly shook his head…nope. (I’m sure he thought his grandma was totally cray, and he might be right, but he was engaged and interested.)

“Well, I wish I could blink my eyes so that what you want would happen in the blink of an eye, and since it obviously did NOT, it’s going to take as long as it takes. What do you think about that?”

He laughed and I did, too.

It must have been the perfect response for him because we’ve continued the tradition.

“BLINK! Did it happen? Nope, not for me either. I’m still not magical, I guess, still only human.”

It was a more fun way to get my point across that he could be a LITTLE more patient. I think I got the idea from watching Bewitched. Although I can’t twitch my nose like Samantha, I can blink my eyes.

Angel Girl recently did the same thing as I mended a torn dress for one of her dolls. Watching me, she kept impatiently repeating, “Are you finished, are you finished, why is it taking you so long?”

“Blink, girl. Blink your eyes. Is your doll all sewn up yet?”

She blinked and shook her head while her brother nodded with all the wisdom of his 7.5 years.

“See”, I held out my hands. ” I’m not magic. These hands of mine can only sew one stitch at a time and if you want me to do a good job, it’s going to take as long as it takes.”

It’s not like I have the powers of Bianca in Wishenpoof, the story about a young fairy girl who grants children’s wishes, although SOMETIMES I do swirl my arms around and say “Whish” like she does in the show, but sadly, I’m still not magical. Not at all.

No matter how many times I blink MY eyes, I’m only human.

It’s all going to take as long as it takes. Lesson learned. 🪄

Nine Lives Minus Four or How I Almost Died

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I knew it would happen again, and sadly it did, at the EXACT same location. It's not a good outcome when emergency vehicles stay on-site for more than an hour.
Another update...After talking to a couple of local police officers, and at their suggestion, I called the traffic division. When someone returned my call two days later, I can't say she was all that interested in my near-death experience but gave me some mollifying type of assurance that she'd request enhanced patrols on the weekends at that busy intersection. It was a spectacularly unsatisfying conversation. I felt placated and patronized. I have every belief that nothing will change, someone else won't be as agile as I was and they'll have a more tragic outcome to deal with.
Quick update: Is there something in the water here? Just now as I was grocery shopping, yet another almost collision occurred. The lanes I was driving in had no stop signs or a light, but the cross street had a stop sign. There were two lanes and a couple cars and I were traversing in the same direction when a car that SHOULD HAVE STOPPED and waited for us decided for some unknown reason to NOT stop. If we hadn't both been going slow and able to swerve safely out of harm's way, there would have been a collision. I swear, you could probably have heard my horn on the east coast. The errant driver yelled, "Sorry!" but that doesn't change the fact that it's dangerous to be a pedestrian OR a driver. The moral of the story is to be extra careful, extra cautious, and alert!

I think I just used up about four of my nine lives on Sunday. Without being accused of being melodramatic, it was the closest to death I’ve ever been.

I woke up around 6:30 a.m. because I heard a really loud diesel truck idling outside, which is unusual around here.

When I ran downstairs and looked out the living room window, the street in front of my house was filled with the bright flashing lights of fire engines and paramedics. I watched as they took away my neighbor strapped on a gurney, but I don’t know what actually happened.

A similar thing occurred last week to the neighbor on the OTHER side of my immediate neighbor; paramedics and even police cars were there for a couple of hours. So far, I don’t have any intel on that event, either.

I think these odd episodes set the stage for what (almost) happened. Could it be due to cosmic forces and planetary tumult? Don’t things happen in threes? I think I heard that somewhere.

Anyway…

There was surprising and UNforecasted welcome rain last night and it left behind much cooler temperatures, so I decided to walk to the beach.

I was almost there and stopped to cross the street at a well defined four-way stop and pedestrian crosswalk. (That’s at Garfield and Tamarack if you’re from my town.) There were stopped cars at three of the stop signs. Knowing there are distracted and horrible drivers everywhere, I pay careful attention to stuff like that.

I began to cross and as I approached the middle of the intersection walking north, the SUV that had been stopped at the stop sign going south, just started going like a bat out of hell, making a speeding left turn, directly at me, as if I was invisible or something. Which I’m NOT.

There was no real time to think about avoiding being hit because in that split second, I knew I was going to be badly injured.

What I recollect and what four witnesses corroborated, was that at the point of NEARLY being impacted by this accelerating vehicle, I actually slapped the side of her left hood with my hand and did a very ballerina-like twirl to avoid being hit. The SUV almost touched me as I evaded the collision. There was truly about an inch between me and the vehicle, an INCH!

I didn’t call the police because not one of us could get her plate number since she sped off as I believe she realized what she had done. It was a woman in a ubiquitous white SUV, and there are literally a million of those around here. We couldn’t identify any specific make or model because it all happened so fast.

People came out of their houses to see if I was OK. They said it looked as if I had been hit. I was a bit shaky and shocky from all that adrenaline so I sat down for a few minutes and had a glass of water.

The four witnesses high-fived me (really!), commented on my agility and how that saved me from serious injuries. They said they had never seen anything like it because the impact seemed unavoidable. They were also suitably charmed by the string of unfiltered expletives that I hurled at the driver as she sped away.

I’m beyond grateful for those many years of ballet training because if I hadn’t reacted like that, I can’t even imagine how many broken bones and internal damage I’d have to heal from. The whole thing probably took less than five seconds and as quick as it was over, it also felt as if it was happening in slow motion — all very strange.

There are two ways to think about it. Either it wasn’t my day, or it really WAS my day. I can’t for sure say it wasn’t divinely scripted. Do angels exist? Did angels intervene? I really need to stop and think about it.

I feel like I’ve used up several of my nine lives – I only hope I have a few more. There’s so much to be grateful for, that’s for sure.

I finished my journey, took a photo of the ocean, calmed down, and walked back home without any further scary experiences.

There it is, the peaceful serenity of our Pacific Ocean. Sadly, there weren’t any whales or dolphins, but it’s still an eternally beautiful and nourishing sight.

Reaching my destination almost killed me, but I persisted, prevailed, and live to tell the story.

Have you had a near-death experience to share?

My Big Blue Dumpster Debacle

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Yesterday’s bizarre event gives a whole new meaning to dumpster diving.

Driving home from a few errands, I was about a block away when I noticed a GIGANTIC truck blocking the street, backing a GIGANTIC dumpster into someone’s driveway.

I first thought to myself, “I wonder who’s getting some work done” and then I thought it seems to be right next door, which is weird cos they’re having their first baby any day now and nobody would begin a major remodeling project with a newborn to care for.”

As I got a bit closer, I said to myself, “HOLY SHIT, THAT”S MY HOUSE.”

The driver began to unload the massive dumpster as I drove up and from my car I frantically (as you can imagine) told him to STOPSTOPSTOP!

I jumped out (after snapping a photo) and asked him what the heck did he think he doing and he needed to take it away IMMEDIATELY.

He showed me the work order which definitely had MY address, but the account name was my neighbor who lived three doors up the street. I guess it was a typo or a careless, not-very-thorough employee who didn’t do his/her due diligence.

We both walked down the street to double-check with said neighbor who confirmed that they ordered it and with a bunch of apologies to me, the driver successfully deposited the dumpster where it was supposed to go.

If I had been just one minute later than I was, I would have come home to an absolute disaster, a true dumpster diving nightmare! Timing is everything.

As it was, I’ll never get back the twenty minutes of my life I spent on the phone with the company to make sure that I wasn’t charged for a dumpster I didn’t request.

After that, I needed to take a few deep breaths, calm down, and lower my blood pressure…disaster BARELY averted, thank goodness.

The Hug Store Is ALWAYS Open

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Out of the mouths of, well, not babes exactly, but out of the mouth of my Angel Boy second grader.

A long time ago, even before there was an Angel Girl, AB and I would hug when we first saw each other and then at various times throughout the day and before bed.

I always asked first, “can I have a hug?” or “would you like a hug” because of course it’s all about body autonomy and if he didn’t feel like being touched, it’s his right to say no. That’s a good lesson for all of us, right?

Then he started to say, “I need a Grandma hug” and my arms would open wide.

When Angel Girl came into the world, she would stretch out HER arms and say, “Hug” and who could ever say no to that? Definitely not me.

Now they both jump into my arms and just about knock me over. I tell them I have two arms so there’s plenty of love for both of them. Yes, there’s a bit of sibling rivalry because AB had me all to himself for almost four years and sharing his grandma has caused some angst. Actually, learning to share anything is an ongoing lesson for him…

Recently, Angel Boy has become a bit more thoughtful about what it means to be his grandma.

He told his sister, “With Grandma, the hug store is always open. Right, Grandma?”

I hugged them both and said, “That’s a really cool way to describe it and you’re one thousand percent correct. Best of all, it doesn’t cost a single penny. My hug store is always open, night or day, 365 days a year.”

After that beautiful moment, I told him we needed to write a story about The Hug Store, and that’s exactly what we’re doing.

There’s an endless ocean of love with these two angel kids. ❤️

Candyland Marathon

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It was a serious deja vu moment for us; me and Angel Boy 2.0 playing endless games of Candyland in the exact same location that MY mom used to play endless games of Candyland with the original Angel Boy.

They played so often — marathon sessions — that the first game pieces wore out and we had to buy a new one. I’m not sure what the actual appeal is of Candyland, as it’s such a simple concept with no reading involved, but it’s incredibly mindful it its simplicity. Maybe that’s the key to brilliance.

After a very early breakfast of fresh pineapple and buckwheat pancakes, we went downstairs to play on the table where we kept the board set up in anticipation of laughter and great conversation.

In the afternoon, we hung out at Dad’s former elementary school playground and looked in all the classrooms that he attended during his six years there. It was a surreal and very happy rush of memories for us, watching his own child on the very same monkey bars he used to climb.

Later, at the end of the day, freshly bathed and having eaten a night snack of applesauce and yogurt, it was back downstairs for the final game before bed.

These are the building blocks of joyful shared experiences that create a lifelong tapestry of love that spans generations.

This is the kind of legacy I’m grateful to be able to share with these precious Angel Kids.

Skateboard Trauma Revisited

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Facetiming with the Angels…

“Grandma, Daddy was on his skateboard and didn’t wear his helmet AGAIN!”

“Yeah, Grandma, here’s Daddy, you need to have a talk with your little boy about that!”

(FYI, that’s how they refer to their dad…as MY little boy, It’s really cute.)

This is not the first time I’ve lectured him about this subject.

“Darn it J, you know better, why are you doing that? Stop laughing, it’s not at all funny. Your children tell me EVERYTHING, so WEAR YOUR HELMET! You are a ROLE MODEL! Do you want them to do it because Daddy does? Come ON, you are so smart, be smart with this too.”

“Grandma, did you throw out all of Daddy’s skateboards when he was little?“

And there it is, one of my Angel Boy’s worst traumas. How did they know about that?

Even Mom chimed in; “Yeah, what was that all about? You never throw anything away!”

It’s true. I don’t. I saved every report card and every paper he wrote and every single piece of art he created. Crazy me, I saved the shoes he wore all over Europe when he did his year abroad. I don’t dispose of anything!

Except for those darn skateboards!

To give a little background, this incident happened about fifteen years ago, maybe a bit longer. When he was in high school, he (and his friends) helped build a fairly large skate ramp in our backyard. All during high school and up to when he was in junior in college, it was well used and maintained. I supplied everyone with smoothies and cookies while I kept a watchful eye from the kitchen window.

After AB graduated from college, he went to graduate school on the east coast. His visited home less frequently and the ramp deteriorated from sun and rain.

It was requested of him that he help to remove it as it was now an eyesore and falling apart, that it was a rite of passage and he SHOULD help.

I can’t remember if he helped a lot or put in slightly more than zero effort which was what he usually did when he wasn’t too interested in a project.

His many skateboards were sitting around, also unused, gathering dust.

Here’s where things get a little fuzzy. I literally don’t throw ANYTHING away. I’m an admitted hoarder. I don’t recall the specifics of how and when these skateboards disappeared, but they definitely DID.

I spent the last fifteen years apologizing to my angel boy for throwing out his beloved skateboards, which I know memorialized a meaningful time in his life.

I’ve offered to buy him a new skateboard or several — to make up for my horrible parenting.

I never want to cause him pain, but it’s obvious that he’s still bothered by all of it.

So, this last time, most recently, when the conversation opened up, in front of everyone, I formally apologized AGAIN and asked how or what I could do to make amends.

I’m genuinely sorry that I tossed out (or gave away, I can’t remember) a happy piece of his childhood. It’s really so unlike me and I didn’t do it with malice or anger, but the fact remains that those boards are gone forever.

Anyway, he accepted my apology (again) and said he doesn’t want a new skateboard but I think I’m going to go to his favorite sk8 shop and get him one anyway, or get him a gift certificate so he can choose all the parts that he wants: deck, wheels, bushings, trucks…yes, I was the mom of a skater. It’s language I can speak.

Note to self: NEVER toss anything else out.

EVER.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

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Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto!
Does anybody know where this gigantic robot is located? I do…

The robot is from the Japanese animated film “Castle in the Sky” and is located somewhere in the PNW, but I’ll conceal the specific location.

(“Mr. Roboto” by Styx)